Main Event Mamas Podcast Episode 29: Bullying Doesn't End in the Schoolyard

Tanesha (00:00)
Hi It's me, Tanesha

Kiara (00:03)
And I'm Kiara, still here.

Tanesha (00:08)
And you're now entering the sister chat. Welcome to main event mamas.

Kiara (00:16)
We're back again this week with a whole new topic for you guys. But first we want to thank you for getting this far and remind you that this is your moment to hit that subscribe button. So we're going to ask you to stop for a moment and hit that bell if you haven't already.

Tanesha (00:35)
Ding ding.

Kiara (00:37)
Now we can move on. So this week's topic, we have a special episode for you guys because we found the topic that we think marries adulting and our parenting side together. And it's a topic of something that we all have dealt with from both the parent and the growing up side, bullying, right?

Tanesha (00:41)
Ahem.

Absolutely. ⁓

Kiara (01:02)
So it's a tough situation when you look at it from when our kids are being bullied and what we can do to help them and how we support them. But also when you look at it from the other side of being an adult and even still experiencing that bullying. Because you would think it ends with childhood, that is not always the case, is it?

Tanesha (01:21)
Absolutely not.

Kiara (01:23)
So we're going to talk about it from both sides and give you some ways to relate, strategize, and come up with a plan to deal with the crazy.

Tanesha (01:33)
And of course, don't disappoint us in those comments, because we definitely want to hear your perspective, right, wrong, or indifferent. And ⁓ we definitely want you to continue sharing, because you never know. You may not get something from this, but it may made you think about somebody else. So share it with them.

Kiara (01:42)
That's right.

That's right. So let's start with that gut wrenching feeling, right? What's the hardest part about finding out your child is feeling being bullied? Like, is it the feeling of being helpless or anger or kind of like that sadness for them? What do you think?

Tanesha (02:09)
One thing for me is anger, because I know I can't go beat those little kids' ass. I mean, I could, but that's frowned upon. but you know, yeah, that's my me. Like, you know. But then I redirect myself and, you know, realize that ain't really gonna help nothing because you need to really teach your children the self-confidence that they need to be able to pretty much not let that bully bother them.

Kiara (02:13)
facts in our content.

Get it.

Right. And I get that too. That's a tough thing to me. Like that feeling of just, for me sometimes it's the sadness I think that makes it more to me because I know what that feels like and I know that that's something I wouldn't want to protect them from. So I think like you said, it kind of marries into that helpless feeling of just kind of like, huh, this is a tough moment. So, but when that child comes to you, as you know, you got quite a few between us.

⁓ with their bullying problem, what's your immediate knee jerk reaction? Do you reign in like that, bear energy and try to get to a place of productive activity or do you like F it? I just am going to live in mama bear lane.

Tanesha (03:21)
You know, I don't know. I mean, I'm to tell you a story. And then you could tell me if this was me staying in momma protective mode or me veering off and trying another mode. So pretty much your niece, my daughter, this week told me someone was making fun of them.

Kiara (03:27)
Okay.

Okay, okay.

Tanesha (03:51)
they are making fun of them in their allergy. So my daughter, has very sensitive skin and I found out through pretend makeup that she can't wear makeup because she breaks out in a rash, especially around her eyes. Especially because she liked to put, she would put tons of eyeshadow. And then when we take it off, it started not just a rash, but also started decoloration.

of her skin were kind of, I want to say it's like elephant skin. And that's the only reason why I'm saying it's something like that because she used to suck her thumb and that's, it reminded me what her thumb used to look like from her sucking her thumb. So it was just like the discoloration and like a rash on it. And you know, it, it just didn't like, I need to fix that for you cause that looks crazy and I don't want you looking at yourself looking at yourself crazy. So anyway, so they made fun of her and pretty much told her she was ugly because she couldn't wear makeup.

Kiara (04:20)
wow.

Mm-hmm.

Tanesha (04:50)
And she just looked at me. So I looked at her and I was like, well, one, you're not ugly. You look like your mom. So is your mom ugly? She's like, well, no, ma, you're beautiful. And I was like, so then you're beautiful. So, you know, just because you can't wear makeup doesn't make you ugly. It's supposed to enhance the beautiful part of you. It's supposed to enhance your beauty. I was like, so, you know, you have to let that roll off.

Kiara (05:06)
Sorry.

Tanesha (05:20)
because you need to know who you are and what you are and know understand that. In that same breath, we also talked about stuff, but I did tell you that, you know, I know you want to look into, you do want to like explore makeup so that I was going to try to find something that was going to be better for your sensitive skin. So then we can explore those options. And she's like, yes, ma. I said, so what did we learn from this? Are we ugly? And she said,

No. I was like, because you look like who? Because I look like you. And I was like, is mommy ugly? And she started laughing and she was like, no. I said, all right, so then let that roll off. So I'm not sure if that was me being mama bear or me trying to be mama bear and redirect her.

Kiara (06:09)
Both. I think you did a really good job of actually getting her to a place of understanding and certainly making it something that she understood and that she internalized. Like how do you see mommy? Right? So it's like, okay. Well, maybe that's wrong. ⁓ So no, I feel like you got to a good place of that.

Tanesha (06:29)
I about say I also forgot to add this part. I also told her, does mommy wear makeup? I asked her, do I wear makeup? And she goes, no. I said, does that make me ugly? She goes, no. I said, I said, now I'm saying I don't like makeup. I like me a little eye shadow. I said, but I don't really put it on, because I don't really know how to really do it like, you know, like that. But I mean, had to kind because you know, these young people, be, you know, they be doing, I don't know. I probably.

Kiara (06:34)
right.

my gosh.

There are 900

tutorials on your local TikTok YouTube channel.

Tanesha (06:56)
I know, I know, I know. I

watch some of them and some of them are very confusing because I'm not putting eyeliner and all that craziness because anyway, but either way, I had to like remind her that part. I forgot to add that part in there, but it was just like, you know, understand I don't wear makeup either. So that doesn't mean I'm ugly. Because I'm far from it. I mean, I'd everybody's cup of tea, but I'm far from it. So yeah, so, okay. Right. He drinks it, he sniffs it up. Anyway.

Kiara (07:18)
That's right. Somebody drink it in. That's what I'm saying. Somebody drink it in. ⁓ Okay,

so before we get that any closer to where we're not gonna go, I can actually, let me tell you a story and you can tell me. ⁓ because I think you probably can't do it better. I'm not gonna lie. All right, so my kids were pretty young when we had kind of our big.

Tanesha (07:32)
Yeah, tell me a story. Okay, I got you. You tell me a story.

Kiara (07:45)
kind of bullying incident. It was at a summer camp. So they were going to summer camp when they were in.

I think it was still elementary school. Or it's just, yeah. would say like, it was elementary school for the boy child and the girl child. Yep, both of them, elementary school. And so they were in this camp and they were with other kids. Now they had been in other camps in situations with kids before, so this wasn't new. However, there was this little girl that just would terrorize my boy child. I mean, just terrorize him.

And so he didn't tell us at first and eventually when we kind of figured it out, it's because the girl child was like, hey, this is what's happening. Cause she's tattletale and I love it. Okay. Or at she used to be, not so much these days. But she would tell all the tea and she'd be like, this is what happened today. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so well it was important because how else would I've known? And so the girl...

Tanesha (08:32)
Mm-hmm.

My teenagers. Let's just get the scissors.

Kiara (08:51)
the camp she would like follow him around and bully him and push him and all of that like that and because he has a sister he knows not to engage with females like he's like I don't I don't hit them I don't push him and the girl child didn't now I was like wow when I was your age I would get in the fist cups for my brother I didn't I didn't care but she was like we're not gonna get in trouble but I'm gonna tell mom

So what ends up happening is like I bring it to the attention of the administrator. Cause at that point they were pretty young. So having, you know, we had the conversation of like what's happening, what's not okay, how far, how inappropriate it was, all of that. You know, if there was anything they did to contribute to the bullying, like did you call this person's names? Did you blah, blah, blah? Nonetheless, so we talked to administrator about it.

The administrator was like, oh, I understand. That's definitely something we need to talk about. It kept happening. And so eventually I told the administrator again. I was like, I'm about to come in there. And then I'm going to deal with the mom and the daughter because I've not had enough and you haven't done anything. Well, we ended up having to have another conversation with everybody because not because of this, even though eventually that supposedly stopped. I don't know if it all the way stopped because my boy child didn't.

I think maybe the physicality stopped because the administrator threatened to kick her out of camp. But the words, you know, the damage was done. And so eventually another incident happened with the kids where the girl started crying and had a whole incident. then in terms of like the, I think the story was that the girl, something happened on the bus and then the girl came home crying to her mother.

Tanesha (10:18)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (10:42)
and said that everybody was picking on her and calling her names, so on and so forth. And so then the administrator calls all the parents and he's like, I just want to talk to all you guys real quick, want to let you know this girl is having a problem. And so, you he pulls us all in to have this conversation with the girl. I didn't know it was the same girl at first. And then eventually I realized it was the same girl. But what they did is she was a bigger girl and they were calling her fat and ugly and like.

Tanesha (11:04)
Mm.

Kiara (11:11)
you know, how cruel kids can be to one another. And so I sat down with my kids and I was like, all right, are you participating in this? Like we need to talk about this. And my son was like, I mean, yeah. ⁓ Eventually he admitted it. He was like, I mean, I know I'm not supposed to, but then I, again, I had to, it took me a minute to correlate that this was the same person who had tormented him for like a month, if not more than that straight, right? So I was like, all right.

Tanesha (11:13)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (11:40)
I had to have a conversation about like, can't do eye for an eye stuff. But more importantly, why it's really important not to call people those kind of names and fat shame people and make them feel sad because it could affect this girl her whole life. But also, what she did wasn't okay either, right? So then we had to have a conversation of two wrongs don't make it right and all that and all that. And I think they learned it. But between me and my husband, I was like, she get it, she get it.

Tanesha (11:58)
Right.

Kiara (12:09)
I told the kids one thing, but I ain't gonna lie, between me and my husband, was like, maybe she shouldn't have been bullying him. then, you know, he wouldn't have felt vindicated to be this way, because a boy child does not pick on anyone. He is very easy, easygoing and stuff. So in order for him to participate, there had to be an underlying cause, right? But nonetheless, all of that stopped. Everybody stopped. And I told them, and he actually, ended up becoming friends before she ended up leaving the camp.

Tanesha (12:22)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (12:39)
because they would defend her to the other kid. So it was like a full circle moment. But like I said, I certainly didn't handle it well the first time. First time I was just like.

Tanesha (12:42)
Mm.

Kiara (12:50)
I'm about to beat her ass. I was like, that's enough, enough is enough. I tried to go the proper way with the administrator and then after I was just, I was getting hot, but I didn't, I didn't fight nobody. So, I mean, I feel like that was, I handled it the best way I could in that moment. That was the char.

Tanesha (13:10)
I mean, I'm going to say that was definitely a mama bear moment for sure. I think we've all had where we don't feel like they're doing what they're supposed to be doing. And he was like, don't make me come up there because I will. I mean, my favorite line is I'm very unproblematic. So if I'm coming to you with a problem, that means something happening. You're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Kiara (13:23)
It wasn't great. It wasn't great.

Right, which kind of leads us to this next part. So we talked a little bit about school. So how do you decide to get the school involved versus letting your child try to handle it themselves?

Tanesha (13:44)
It really depends on what it is. I feel like it depends on how long it's been going on, what it is that's happening. So like this situation with my girl child, that was an incident. Now she does have a history of, she'll tell me people pick on her or like the bigger ones who they think they can pick on them. ⁓ I know with...

My 10 year old, he told me the girls, once they get to like fourth, fifth grade, the girls will be mean to them and, you know, hit them and he'd be like, I don't know what their problem is. So then I have to address that. Like there was an incident, especially if they got in trouble. And he'd be like, so what did they get? Like they'll tell me this story. So then I have to call him like, okay, so they're telling me something, something happened.

But somehow they're in trouble. So I need to understand what is the version that is being told to y'all to why they're in trouble. Because the version that they told me, they shouldn't be in trouble. They shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like they should be in trouble. So explain to me where y'all getting that they're in trouble and they can't do something or or why this happened. And I know with my 10 year old, something happened, I think, last year, especially in after school. But it was a continuous thing.

Kiara (14:47)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Tanesha (15:06)
to where I had to say, okay, hey, I called up the person after hours, hey. So I found out when I got home from work, such and such happened. What y'all doing? Because I heard this is a recurring thing and it's a thing that's happening between the boys and the girls and the girls are the more aggressor. And on top of that, now y'all getting upset with the boys because they retaliated. We can't.

Kiara (15:26)
Right.

Tanesha (15:36)
Like I'm not, like I heard what you were saying, but I also, feel like you put your hands on somebody. don't matter if it's a girl or a boy. Understand there's consequences. Cause I'm definitely telling, I'm definitely telling my daughter for sure. There's consequences. You can't expect to hit a boy and then not want to hit you back. You can't expect that because you're so angry and you can't control your feelings. And now you want to hit somebody.

Kiara (15:48)
There should be.

That's true.

Tanesha (16:03)
that when they hit back at you now, ⁓ no, they're the mean person, they're bad person. Same thing with my son. Like you can't let nobody just put their hands on you. I don't care if it's a girl, I'm not saying you gotta punch them and whatever, but definitely back up, get off of me. If your sister's there, get your sister there to handle it. But of course people are like, no, we don't want people fighting. Nah, I don't care about, I don't want people fighting. Cause in the real world, they can't just walk away.

We can talk all this stuff, but let's say they walk away. Now you, like you said, the person was following your son, pushing him, doing it, cause we're, they're doing what we're telling them to walk away. Leave it alone. Don't, but now what you're going to do if they continue being the aggressor, is he supposed to keep walking away? No. And he shouldn't get in trouble because he decided to retaliate after taking the high road by walking away, by not doing this. So sometimes, yes, you have to get involved and it depends on what it is.

Kiara (17:03)
Yeah, but awesome.

Tanesha (17:04)
I mean, but you should, but I also

feel like you should be, actually, no, I feel like everybody should be involved. You should be involved in your children, especially with them going to school. You should always be involved. You should always know what's happening. You should always have your ears to the school, talking to the teachers, talking to your principal, talking to everyone who's around your children for the eight hours of the day.

Kiara (17:16)
That's right.

Tanesha (17:29)
and don't be so oblivious and think it's not happening. Okay, you can go.

Kiara (17:33)
Yeah, but

you you also know that sometimes they don't tell you, right? That's the tougher thing is that it took me so long to find out even about that. And that's not the only incident, right? Like I'm sure over the years we've dealt with quite a few. Even recently, I think last year, my girl child was in high school and there was a girl who was just bullying her. Who's like, I'm gonna beat you up after school. And so I asked her, I was like, why? You're like, what's going on here? So we had to have a whole

Tanesha (17:38)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (18:04)
⁓ discourse about what's going on, why is this happening, where is this going. ⁓ The girl just didn't like her. Honestly, I think it's because my daughter is just cool ass. She's just cool, she's fun, she's pretty, loves everybody and people love her. So I think it was just a sense of maybe jealousy ⁓ for her. And she's a bigger girl, but she still gets along with a lot of people.

that particular girl felt some kind of way. Also, we're in an interesting school dynamic where the majority of the school are not black, right? So you have a lot of people back and forth, but the issue was with another black girl. So it was kind of like, what's the competition here too? We can get into that on another episode. That's a whole other situation. But to me, I was just like,

Tanesha (18:43)
Okay.

Yeah, I'm about to say, that's a whole other thing, is crazy.

Kiara (19:01)
you know, we really went into like the detail of what's happening and then how we could address it. And I, I had to decide, cause she's in high school, how and when to get the school involved. So I ended up not doing that because at this age, I want to empower my kids to be able to say, like set their boundaries, which is nerve wracking as a parent, right? Because every day in here in school about weapons and all this kind of stuff and people jump in people and

craziness like that, but I wanted to empower my girl child to know like, all right, you don't have to back down, but you do have to find out what the issue is. Like, did something happen?

Tanesha (19:47)
Mm-hmm. Was there a misunderstanding? Did I look at you the wrong way and I didn't even realize I was even looking at you? And you took me looking at you, mind you, I'm looking at the wall. And you were just in the... Uh-huh.

Kiara (19:48)
Like right because I said is it a miss that's right Right

Or is it like your friends who got you

involved in this kind of thing? So I thought there was a lot of lessons to learn from that. Cause I was like, your friends can write a check that your asshole end up having to cash, right? Like nobody, you need to surround yourself with people who don't bring you drama. That was one lesson that came out of that. Cause I was like, nah, that sounds like she's mad at your friend. And because you're that person's friend and now you're in the midst of this teenage nonsense. Like, no.

Tanesha (20:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. ⁓

Kiara (20:25)
But the girl was like, I'm gonna meet you outside, I'm gonna beat you up. And then my son was like, he texts me, he's like, I'm after school today, because I gotta have her back in case something go crazy.

Tanesha (20:34)
Hey, that was the

last thing I would say in my head. said, well, I guess we meeting outside at 3.30. What you say? I ain't scared. And watch them not show up. Like, I'm scared. I'm like, I bet you are. Like, you didn't expect me to say that.

Kiara (20:40)
He was just like, he was like...

He was like, right, right. I

was like, I was kind of shocked that he texted me. He's like, I had to have her back, so we home, so you just gotta come get us. I was like, okay, what? All my way. was like, exactly, I was like very confused. But I did think she handled it well. Like she talked to the girl and she was just like, what is the problem? And then that's when we found out it has something to do with the other friend messing with this friend. And I'm like, tell her two things. I was like, here's your script.

Tanesha (20:54)
You're like, wait, what? OK, I'm on my way, but wait,

Kiara (21:13)
to tell her, which kind of leads into that next question I'm gonna ask you. I was like, let her know you are not the friend, number one. Like I guess you got beef with her, but I ain't her, so I'm not sure how I ended up in this. And then number two, like, is there a way to resolve it? Like can we diffuse it so that like we can take this anger somewhere else and it's not just building up? And she did have a conversation with the girl, and I know it wasn't as in depth as that, because she was just like,

Tanesha (21:42)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (21:42)
the girl, she's like, at first the girl went and talked to me and eventually like, she talked to her. They didn't really get any teachers involved, which I thought was fascinating. But I also know at this age, you don't want to go tattle, right? But I think the script really was super helpful to her and say like, hey, what is it? Like, why do you want to fight me? Like, what did I do to you? Because I don't feel like I did anything to you. But if she never even said that, she wouldn't have known that it really wasn't an issue directly with her.

Tanesha (21:54)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kiara (22:13)
So that leads into my kind of next question was like, are there practical scripts or phrases you can give your kids to kind of use in a bullying situation that have worked? I'm always one for like trying to defuse it if you can, because I was like fighting ain't gonna get you nowhere, you're just gonna be mad, everybody gonna be mad and you're gonna be hurt and it's unnecessary. Then y'all gonna get in trouble with school, it's gonna be this, it's gonna be that, that I'm gonna have to come up there, you know, it's gonna be chaos. So if you can defuse it, I try to give them a few like key things like what's going on.

Tanesha (22:16)
⁓

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (22:42)
Is there something I can help you with? is there some what? And I always like giving them that. Is there something I can help you with? Because it's like, clearly you're upset and I don't know what it is. But if you ask them like, what's wrong with you? That's the attitude. not gonna, they're gonna necessarily respond really well. So I try to give them the phrase of like, you know, what can I help you with? Can I help you? Is there something like I can do for you?

Tanesha (23:08)
No, it's all about the

tone. It's not just what you saying, it's the tone. Cause even as you're saying, like, can I help you? I can be like, can I help you? What's your issue? What you wanna do? Right?

Kiara (23:11)
That too.

Right, okay, well we're not up north.

I know, you can't say that up north. You're like, yeah, I can help you with something, but no.

Tanesha (23:24)
You blag,

it's about the tone because it's not even a thing. Like you said, like, I mean.

Kiara (23:28)
Wait.

But you have to be careful because you want to walk the line of humility, but you don't want to be like that. You don't want to be the person who's like, oh, I'm scared. Like, I ain't scared, but I'm trying to tell you. I got to at least try because my mama would kill me if I fight you. didn't even. So maybe that's it. Maybe they're scared enough of me that they're like, let's try. You know what saying? But then my boy child, he's like, I just walk away. He's like, I just let them have their moment. And I just.

Tanesha (23:33)
You have to be careful. I'm a punk, so you can walk all over me.

Kiara (24:00)
He's like, I let them know that it doesn't bother me, which fascinates me because I'm like, that works.

Tanesha (24:06)
mean, sometimes with bullies you have to. Because like, okay, so like how we've always said, even with us growing up, the moment you stop giving your bully attention is when they stop paying attention to you and they start paying attention to somebody else, but you're done. I'm like, once they know that it does not bother you, that it doesn't scare you, that it doesn't make you do what they want, they're gonna keep trying, but if they realize it's not working.

Kiara (24:14)
Yeah.

Tanesha (24:30)
They move on. That's why I definitely why I tell my kids. I'm like, when it comes to anybody who is picking on you and anybody, or if they're being mean for no reason, or you feel like they're calling you a name, or they're calling you a name, ignore them. I know it's hard, but ignore them. Because if you ignore them enough, they have no choice. They have no choice. wait, just, hold on. I just thought about something.

Kiara (24:43)
Yeah, it is.

Right, because you're not feeding into it.

Tanesha (24:57)
This happened last year. Hold on. Okay. This was definitely me being a mama. Don't hate me out here, TikTok. Cause I know y'all, I know y'all probably do the same thing. I don't know, but whoever's watching this, don't judge me. Well, you could judge me. I don't care. It doesn't matter. It happened. It did it. I did it anyway. So there was particular.

Kiara (24:59)
Bye bye.

don't know if this one's gonna make the TikTok like it.

Tanesha (25:20)
This is with all three of the youngest. After camp, they would go play in the park while they were waiting for me to get off work. ⁓ In this particular instance, one of my kid's best friends' mom, ⁓ she was on her way to the park. But there was a group of kids they were all playing with. However, these particular two were brother and sister.

Kiara (25:24)
Okay.

Tanesha (25:48)
who never was after school, just so happened to go to their camp, started videotaping them and saying they were making a YouTube blog. And they would do this every day. And they would like tape them. But then the girl was particularly being mean to my girl child to the point where she did, I think she did fight. She was trying to get her to fight. Meanwhile, my daughter thinks she playing with her.

thinking that they play fighting, but she's like, nah, I'm really trying to, I'm fighting you right now. And videotaping it. Once my 10 year old realized, hold on, time out, you being for real, you trying to hurt my sister, let me step in. She then turned to him, said something, you next. And he looked at the brother like, yo, what are y'all doing? Like why? And he was, and his brother was like.

She said you next, so you know. And he was like, what? And then the youngest, I think he was playing around. I don't even think he was around there. then they started, like then, then the brother started to attack the 10 year old's best friend. And so he was like, ⁓ So then they started fighting.

Kiara (27:09)
Bye.

Tanesha (27:10)
So of course I find out later they all had a fight, but this was a series of things that she kept doing to my daughter. Like she would pull her hair randomly and my daughter would be like, aha, I thought you were playing. And I'm like, girl, what? So she was testing the waters. So some of these bullies be testing the waters, right? So, all right. This was me definitely being a mama bear. I'm gonna tell you that right now. So I definitely told them, you know, well, you need to fight back. But first I went to the afterschool.

Kiara (27:18)
Right.

That's something.

Right.

Tanesha (27:40)
I did what I'm supposed to do. I went to after school and I said, Hey yo, who this person blah, blah, blah, blah, why they doing this? Actually, I called them late at night. said, so this is what's happening. Who are these people? Are they in this school? Like who, who are they? Cause I've never heard of them in my life. I don't know what they do. I had a lot of choice words, but see, they also know me. So they know that is why I said I'm very unproblematic. So when I bring you a problem and I'm angry about it, you, they take notice cause they like, Oh, Tanesha's you know.

Very cool, like she don't say nothing. So now, we need to listen. So they was like, we're gonna get on it. So they have an end of the year show. This is when the mama beer came out, because I have to love my son's best friend, because his mama was like, I'm with you, what we want to do.

Kiara (28:17)
Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Tanesha (28:29)
So

I told my kids to point this girl out. And I was like, oh, this is so bad. I can see why she was picking on my daughter. I'm gonna let that simmer in there. I ain't gonna say the words, but y'all should understand. We just had a conversation about people saying my daughter was ugly. But you know, I can see why she was picking on my daughter.

So me and my son's best friend's mom, I was like, is her parents here? Because we're going to have a conversation. She was like, you about it? I said, I'm about it. Well, we going to have a conversation. So I was like, but I don't see no parent over there. So I walked up to the girl and said, hey. And she looked at me, looked me up and down. I said, ⁓ girl, I just want to pull your hand. But I didn't. I kept my hands in my pocket. I said, is your?

Is your parents here or an adult here with you? No.

Are they coming? Why?

I just wanted to talk to them. So are they coming? She was like, no. And she rolled her eyes and I was like, mm. So I walked away. I was like, you know, I'm just going to walk away from this person because she's like eight, nine, 10, who knows how old she is. And I'm gonna be in the wrong. But I was definitely hoping her parents were there. But then it also dawned on me.

The reason why she's doing this too is because her parents don't really care.

So I'm not sure that's leading into another segment, but sometimes these bullies do what they do to get attention, because their parents or whoever the responsible adult is doesn't care. And they're doing this for attention, hoping that they will show up.

Kiara (30:33)
That's a word right there.

Tanesha (30:33)
I'm gonna

tell you right now if her parents did show up.

Kiara (30:38)
Okay, well, it's a good opportunity to move on to the adulting part of this bullying conversation. Because you know what? This is tough. As a parent, like I said, you always hope that bullying ends. In childhood, but as we know, that ain't a thing. Bullies still follow you around as you, you know.

Tanesha (30:42)
Yep, let's go.

Mm-mm.

Especially y'all

on TikTok who think y'all slick.

Kiara (31:00)
Have you ever experienced bullying as an adult, perhaps even in like, you know, PTA or something like that with a colleague or a social setting? How did it manifest? Was it gossip, exclusion, passive aggressiveness? Like, have you experienced it and in what way did it showcase itself or despite?

Tanesha (31:20)
Yeah, my marriage.

Kiara (31:23)
Well... ⁓

Tanesha (31:25)
You'd expect that one to come out. ⁓

Kiara (31:27)
No,

I didn't. ⁓

Okay, so in what way did it manifest?

Tanesha (31:40)
Okay, see I can laugh about this stuff now, but

Kiara (31:45)
Eww.

Tanesha (31:47)
I mean, it manifests by someone that you care or care about. They pick apart what you say. ⁓ Or they're quick to put you down. So I definitely got fat shamed. I got fat shamed of, know, if you weren't this big, I would be more attracted to you. ⁓ Meanwhile, this whole n***a wrote. Nevermind.

Kiara (32:17)
It's not like you have four children or anything.

Tanesha (32:17)
Sorry, ⁓ I was about to bring that.

You know, not like you trapped me with the last one, because I definitely lost about 70, 80 pounds. was looking nice. Anyway, but even then, ⁓ so that just, you know, saying things that, you know, can intimidate you. ⁓

anything that they knew that they that you were back down from. Right. Also, I mean, I have I would say probably. Definitely these people on on on on with the Twitter fingers, you know, y'all y'all be trying. Only difference is it doesn't really bother me as much. I just try to be polite. But if I saw you in the street, I don't think it would have been polite. I think I'll tell you anyway. I think now as an adult, I just don't let a lot of things slide.

Kiara (32:46)
Mm-hmm.

Tanesha (33:10)
versus what I did in my marriage or even as a young adult and not realizing that people are probably really sliding you and you think that they're your friends but they're not really your friends and they're talking behind your back and sometimes like they'll say slick stuff to you in your face and you'd be like, ah ha ha and you'd be like, yeah, passive aggressive stuff like that. Now I'm not gonna say I've never been a bully, not on purpose.

Kiara (33:31)
to like the passive aggressive kind of.

Tanesha (33:41)
But if I don't like you, I don't like you. There's nothing you can do about it. And sometimes I'm a little bit harsh with my words and definitely got talking to at work because I was a little harsh. Cause I told them to their face I like them.

Kiara (34:03)
Okay, so I feel like we crossed over several lanes here. Wow.

Tanesha (34:04)
But, I mean,

but I didn't think of it me being a bully. I'm just someone who does not like to be fake. So I want you to understand if I'm being nice and being kind is because I'm at work. But if we were out here in these streets, I probably wouldn't talk to you. Know what saying? But especially with this one person, she was just too fake. And I don't like fake people.

I don't like you smiling in my face and then I know you sitting here talking junk behind my back. I don't like that. I'm too old for it. I think I've never liked that. But I mean, as I get older and you know what they do say it, as you get older, you just start not giving a crap about a lot of stuff.

Kiara (34:46)
Like you crossed over so many questions here at this

point. I'm like, okay, should I just let you run with this segment? Good girl.

Tanesha (34:52)
I mean, because, I mean, it's

one of those things, and I think it also, it deals with definitely just not taking no nonsense. But like I said, especially with this particular person.

I care and love people well, not too easy, but I do. I'm very kind, I'm very nice, I'm very, like I will, I will not, I'm not gonna do that line. I will give the shirt off my back, cause I wouldn't, cause then I would be naked, and I don't wanna be naked. I'll buy you a shirt, you know what saying? Like, if we're gonna be real about it, I'll buy you a shirt. You want some socks? I'll get you some socks. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'd rather do that. I'd rather buy you a shirt and some socks.

Kiara (35:25)
I'm

Tanesha (35:35)
I'm not gonna take off my things, come on, just go buy me a shirt. So it doesn't make sense. I just might buy you a shirt. Anyway, sorry, sorry. I digress, back on topic. But with this particular person, she did definitely tell management. Now the problem is management is my best friend. So both of were my best friends. So they kind of put me in a room. Hey, I was like, what, what do I do? And he was like, you can't just tell her you don't like her. And I was like.

Kiara (35:35)
Got you.

I understand. I get it. You digress. Back on topic.

Tanesha (36:04)
Ow! What happened? They was like, because she's making this seem like you're being a bully. And I was like, how? She asked me a question, I answered it, I don't understand. So technically sometimes being a bully is not understanding the dynamic. So I guess I was a bully, but I wasn't trying to be one. She asked me a question.

Kiara (36:25)
Okay,

I don't even know where. Okay, let's go back a little. Well, you win.

Tanesha (36:28)
I don't know where we're going. Hold on, but you, okay, cause you were asking

about bullying and when it happened and then I started talking about me. Okay. Okay.

Kiara (36:33)
No, no, no, you, yes, I'm not saying you didn't do anything wrong. I'm

just saying you crossed over question five to eight. So, I was like, where are we gonna go with this?

Tanesha (36:41)
⁓

Well, how about this? Have you ever experienced bullying as an adult or did it by accident and not realize you were?

Kiara (36:53)
I'm gonna answer the second part of that question first. I'm gonna tell you that no, I don't bully people and haven't bullied people as an adult because I dealt with a lot of bullying as a teenager and as a kid. And so for me, I'm very sensitive to that. And as I raised my children, I've thought back on even situations in elementary school or middle school where I was a bully ⁓ because I was very much used to being queen bee and like what I say went.

⁓ And I had to learn that there was power in that kind of responsibility. Like if you're somebody who can like be influential to other people, that doesn't mean you like put people down because they don't fit something or because you don't feel good about yourself, which was kind of my situation at the time. But looking back, know, hindsight is 20-20, right? So no, I don't bully people as an adult. And I work really hard to not.

Tanesha (37:31)
Mmm.

2020.

Kiara (37:52)
do that because it always concerns me. And if I feel like I'm about to fall into that lane a little bit, I try to fall back immediately because I don't want anyone to discomfort. Now have I ever been bullied? 100%. I remember my first job after college, the owner's wife decided she didn't like me and did everything she could to...

Tanesha (38:15)
Mmm.

Kiara (38:21)
kind of put me down and it was a very weird experience because that was like my first job out of college. I had had such great experiences at that job. I made a lot of friends. It wasn't necessarily in my major, but I felt pretty like at home, you know, at that job until she came in and that woman was something to behold. And

Tanesha (38:43)
Okay.

Kiara (38:46)
reacts really well to it. I was kind of livid, I was angry, and you know my anger manifests as tears. It's never violent, which I was like, I kind wish it was a little bit sometimes, but it's not, it gets emotional. It's like it breaks the faucet and tears start to come. As people think you're sad and you're really angry, right? And it was all the things. It wasn't necessarily gossip, but it was exclusion. It was passive aggressive comments. was...

Tanesha (39:03)
agree.

Kiara (39:12)
in your face commentary, like you don't do nothing all day, which I was like, are you crazy? Wait, but I also think it had a lot to do with my work style. Like my work style was not boastful, it was just, I was doing everything. I was getting the job done, I was moving things and all of that, which they experienced when I decided to get the hell out of Dodge. And they were like, my God, she was doing all the things. ⁓ Who's gonna do it? I was like, sounds like your problem. know what mean? But.

So to answer that, yes. But for me...

feel like that's not something that should stand as an adult. As an adult, I think you need to have enough empathy for other people to not bully them. Or self-awareness to recognize how you're coming off. Because I think it's really important to just have that sense of that. And I know that not a lot of people do. Nobody really wants to examine, who am I? Am I a good person? But that's something that means something to me. It means a lot for me to be a good person. And like you said,

Tanesha (40:01)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (40:17)
I ain't gonna give you necessarily the shirt off my back, but even today, like I handed a dollar to a lady at the gas station and my daughter's like, ma'am, we don't do that. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I know, because you know we're at a gas station, we're not supposed to be doing that. But I was like, but I just felt called to like, do something nice, to give a little commentary. And I always feel like whatever you, I say this all the time, you're probably gonna really know this, but I always feel like all the energy and the goodness and the light that.

Tanesha (40:34)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (40:46)
The more you can put that out in the world, the more it has been beneficial. And throughout the course of my life, I feel like I have benefited a lot from just the love and the light and the blessings have come to me out of nowhere. And so I always want to be someone who can help other people. So that's how I think about that. But I will say this.

I think being online changes the game in lot of ways for people. think... I think...

Tanesha (41:14)
Of course!

There's

no quick consequences to it. That's why people do it.

Kiara (41:20)
No, there's not. I think very much that's

the problem is that you almost it's because you can hide behind your keyboard and say the most audacious ridiculous things and and do really horrible things to people because you feel like they slighted you or you just don't like them. And I think being online ups the ante of a lot of that. And it's unfortunate that as a child or as an adult,

people are going through the insanity of bullying on cyber bullying, which again, we will cover, but not today because that's a whole nother level of things. But like I said, I definitely think it's prevalent in adulthood, but in my experience, it was definitely face to face. But if anyone out there who I've ever interacted with and you felt like I was bullied, I apologize because that's not intentional. ⁓ Because again, when you tend to be...

Tanesha (41:57)
That's a whole nother level.

Kiara (42:19)
someone who tends to naturally have an influence with people, you may not know what your words are. So I just encourage people to be aware of how people react to you and know that you have what they say, you have the power of the word in your tongue, something to build you up or something to break you down. so you just do your best to build people up. That's all I'm saying. Not to say that I'm perfect, I'm sure I've said some stuff, especially some people I had to work with. I was like, are you surrogate?

Tanesha (42:43)
Yeah.

Kiara (42:49)
Please, please do that. But I try not to be a bully about it. That being said, all right. So as an adult, is there a strategy that helped you maintain like your dignity and peace when dealing with a bully? Because like I said, like in my experience, the tears immediately came out and my immediate response was to get the hell out of Dodge. So I left.

that job. I still came to work, but I was super, super excited to turn that two week notice in. ⁓ And then write a dissertation to HR about why they were losing a worker of my caliber. But what would you do to kind of help you your dignity or peace when you're dealing with a bully? Especially from an adult perspective, because it gets complicated.

especially when you're the one bullying people. Like, what's the accountability on that one too?

Tanesha (43:53)
Well, I'll start with that one first. I apologize for any miscommunication or how it made her feel, but it was like, just want you to know that we're not friends. Like I care, but if I saw you in the street and you try to talk to me, we wouldn't be peoples. This wasn't for wanna kill it. But it was like, I had a kind of like, you know, like.

Kiara (43:55)
Okay.

I don't feel like this is helping. This is not promoting healing.

Tanesha (44:22)
But I felt like it set the tone, because then after that, I would ask her questions like, are you okay? I said, I'm not trying to make it seem like we would never, but girl, sometimes what you be saying don't make no sense, and I don't believe it. So I don't want to get the okey-doke. Either you're gonna tell me the truth or you're not gonna tell me the truth. But don't give me the okey-doke, because if you give me the okey-doke, no.

I don't want to fuck with you. I don't want to talk like I'll keep it professional. I can act, know, like, but I know like, no, because no, if we were in the school together, me you would not be talking. Like I wouldn't talk to you. don't know. That didn't go very well, but I did apologize. I did apologize for making her feel like if I like from the conversation we were having that she took the one thing away of me telling her that

Kiara (45:03)
No.

Tanesha (45:16)
I ain't like her and we weren't friends. So I apologize for that. But I also, this goes into the first part too. I sit here and just like.

The people who may say certain things to me, either I let it affect me or I don't let it affect me. And if I'm really trying to be cool with you, I may be like, yo, what's your deal? And if I'm not, I let it roll off or I'm really, I voice my opinion. Like I'm like, you know me, I'll be like, I voice my opinion. And if, you know, we gotta go down, we gotta go down. I may say some choice words and I'm not gonna hold back. Like I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let you think you could talk to me any type of way. Now, granted that.

Tanesha who was younger, who let people make fun of her hair or who let, you know, the boy say whatever. I mean, you know, I didn't always get my hair done in the OSF. So I'm like, if that Tanesha is no longer here, that one's not here. I ain't going to let you think you can say whatever you want to say. Now, granted, some of y'all have gotten away with saying certain things to me on Instagram and Twitter and not Twitter. Cause I don't know. don't, I don't read those comments, but TikTok. Yeah.

Kiara (46:29)
All good, I love one. Thanks.

Tanesha (46:31)
I'm

like on TikTok and Instagram. I'll let y'all be where you are. You know why? Because I realized y'all want me to engage and continue engaging with you with your stupidity. And you're not going to get that. Because I know if we stole you in person, you wouldn't have that same energy. So it doesn't really matter.

Kiara (46:44)
Okay.

Yes.

Tanesha (46:50)
I realized I just went a whole different... ⁓

Kiara (46:52)
It's okay, but I got you.

got you. I mean, stay you. Stay authentic. I, you know, I get it. I get it. I don't want you to.

Tanesha (46:57)
I was like,

I don't know. I don't know if that really answered the question there, but

Kiara (47:04)
I think it did. I'm not sure but let's keep going through it

Tanesha (47:09)
I mean, you asked me what I would do. So I mean, that's just, I did. Okay, okay.

Kiara (47:11)
You answered the question. So in thinking about both scenarios

of whether you are being bullied or your child is being bullied, what is one piece of advice you give to a mom who is trying to help their child or an adult who is in the midst of a bullying situation to help them get through the situation?

Tanesha (47:34)
Okay, well I'm gonna speak from a mom's standpoint, because speaking as me, Tanesha, may not want to go my way. But as a mom, trying to get to the root of it, especially if, you know, trying to, like you said, trying to see what's happening. Did my children play a part in this in some way? Because I'm also not oblivious. Kids are kids. Kids can say stuff to each other. Because they're not supposed to be taking nothing down.

You're not supposed to call me ugly and expect me not to say you ugly too.

Just trying to get to the bottom of it. ⁓ Get to the bottom of it first. Also make yourself, like I can't stress this enough, make yourself available as well as making yourself your presence in the schools, in the after schools, in camp, in whatever your children are doing, making yourself present. Because if not,

Because sometimes kids bully each other because they don't think no one's there. Sorry, I just thought about something. But even with my youngest son in basketball, I feel like they don't respect him because he's the youngest. And I told my son, I said, you need to make them respect you. And not in a way that you have to fight them or whatever. That's what saying. Not a way that you got to fight them, but.

Don't let them close you out. Like, like, no, I'm here. Like, you have to keep trying. You have to keep pushing yourself through, because like, they won't pass in the bowl, or like, and some of it starts also with the adults. If you're around other adults and the other adults and they're seeing the other adults talking or saying whatever, or not respecting that child, it's gonna be easier for the other kids not to respect them either. I don't know where I was going with that. It just popped in my head. But it's, mean,

Kiara (49:29)
No, I think you're right. No, think that's a

good...

Tanesha (49:32)
What

if it wasn't for me being present? Cause I even talked to two of the kids. was like, Hey, you know, y'all can't always be, especially if y'all supposed to be on the same team, y'all supposed to like help talk. Like I said, y'all also got to talk to each other. Like there's a lot of things that they weren't doing. And the two kids are like, yes ma'am, we understand. Like because they knew I was coming from a place I wasn't talking to them like, you need to do this. It was like.

Hey, you know, like, you know, y'all just like how y'all pass the ball to each other and how, you know, but y'all also got to communicate. You have to do like, it's also the way you say things too. So I can't stress the tone, the tone of how you say things, how you get your point of cross and how you also with your children, trying to get them to understand what's okay behavior and what's not okay behavior. Because sometimes, you know, a kid may say, you are bullying me.

Kiara (50:26)
Mm-hmm.

Tanesha (50:31)
but you don't realize you're bullying them because all you said was something that is not triggering, right? Like, just like with you, you're saying as a child, like certain things was triggering because they used to either shame you or, you know, even the nerds, you are a nerd. So you bullied me because I was smart? Like, that doesn't make sense, but you know, I don't know. I know that never bothered you, but, right, that never bothered you, but that does bother some, like, you know.

Kiara (50:52)
That never bothered me. I was very smart regardless.

Tanesha (50:59)
Some choose not to be a nerd. Like they don't want to be a nerd. They want that to be known that they're a nerd. letting, also having your children teach your children to be proud of who they are. So then no matter what anyone says, the fact that they know it's not true, it just rolls off.

Kiara (51:15)
I kind of agree with everything you said, from the kid perspective. Getting to the bottom of it, know, reminding them, teaching them to be proud of who they are. Another thing I would add is also to like know when to escalate it. Like that's one of things I know that I had to like talk to my kids about was there's a point when you're going to feel like it's out of your control. You need to determine when that point is that you want to let somebody else in.

because I think sometimes they just, there's a sense of shame or whatever, or you don't know what happened. Let's we them before that. So I would say like, make it, a point to let them know when the escalation is or when they feel like it is. So certainly making a plan for that. For an adult who's experiencing bullying, I'm not gonna get into cyber bullying, because like I said, that's a whole nother level of where you maybe should go for that. But if you're experiencing it in your...

day to day life, I think you also need to remember who you are and what values you. My escape was getting the heck out of there. That didn't mean I didn't have to go work in her department. So it wasn't as though I could have escaped at that point for me. But I certainly didn't deal with her or speak to her or do anything for her. I made a point to distance myself from that bully. But looking back, could I have certainly gone to HR? 100 % because it was in a work environment and I should have, but I didn't.

Tanesha (52:41)
I mean, how are you supposed to know? You just came out of college. That's not something some people think they teach us right away. That's not like a thing that you.

Kiara (52:41)
right?

Well, I was

in a corporate environment. So I did know, and one of my closest friends at that time was in the HR department. So I could have done that. But because the person who bullied me was married to the owner, it was complicated. And I recognized that they were going to be red tape. And I also recognized that in a corporate environment, again, I'm a black woman, wasn't too many of us, definitely was the only one in my department. So I knew for sure what that

what that could end up being. And that wasn't necessarily the safest place, or I didn't feel like it would be the safest place where I would be hurt. Again, we can probably take that in love with other places, but I knew that even coming out of college, because I was there for almost seven years. So I knew for sure. Do I regret doing that? Absolutely not. I wish I had handled things a little bit better in the sense of standing up for myself. So that is one thing I would advise you.

If you are in a work environment, seek out your options and your resources that are available to you. If that means going to HR, if that means filing a complaint with a local agency, the labor department, there are opportunities available to you to handle that in a work environment. When it comes to social environment, that's a little bit different. I think that's a good question. I'm like, I don't know, how would you handle it if you're being bullied in a social environment? I think it depends on the...

the social environment, whether you want to still be in that social environment or whether you don't, you know. Because to me, I'm always like, what is it worth to me? That's one of the things I always ask myself, what is it worth to me? And for that job, I was already on my way out. So it was worth me. ⁓ Was it worth me fighting that battle? No. I just was like, that's just going to be awkward for everybody all the way around. And I didn't want to be in a department with somebody who would, could affect my career.

Tanesha (54:15)
It's... it's... mhm. ⁓

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Kiara (54:44)
that way, especially as I was trying to leave, right? Like I was like, and to the point where I had the opportunity to go back to that job and it left such a bad taste in my mouth that I did not and would not take it. I was like, I don't care. I'd rather be jobless than work there. Again, not never. So I think there was long-term effects for them too, because who knows what I could have done there. Just knowing what I've done throughout my career. But again,

Tanesha (54:59)
Yeah.

Kiara (55:08)
Hindsight is 20-20 for everybody, but every step I feel like takes you to another level because it helped push me out to get another degree to move into a different industry to have a whole new career. So I can't really say I regret it. there was a lot of things at play. So as we wrap up, there was a huge conversation on bullying today. I feel like we talked about it all. Certainly what...

kids can go through and what adults can go through and how bullying plays a role on both sides. I would like to just remind you right now to just love on people. You know what mean? Like this is a tough environment, it's a tough world. Don't be the cause of somebody else's hurt, pain or distress because we already have enough going on, the things that we can't affect. So if you can do one thing good for somebody today, I just want to encourage you to do that because you never know what that one...

Tanesha (55:47)
and

Kiara (56:00)
Wonderful act will do and what it changes for that one person you might be a small act of just you know I held a door for you today and somebody just didn't feel strong enough to do it You know, I mean so something that's my thought about that with that. I just want to remind you It's that time again and hit that subscribe button Because if you stuck around this long and you listen to our bullying conversation, then you certainly might be a little

amused with us and so I was gonna say that too. I was like I don't know what the word is right now but one of those and so we would remind you to subscribe to our channel on YouTube. You can also follow us on social media. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok and X and threads and if you are on our YouTube channel take a moment to take the poll or answer the questions down below.

Tanesha (56:28)
I was gonna say smitten.

You

Kiara (56:55)
I know this episode's a little late today, but life is life-y and we have to what we have to do. So as a result, it's a little late, but that poll or the post is gonna be there. Join our community, tell us about your experiences. And with that, where can they listen to us, Tanesha?

Tanesha (57:11)
You know, you can always listen to us on iHeartRadio, on ⁓ Pocket Podcast, my brain definitely went do-do-do. Amazon Music, Amazon Audible.

anyway, you can also see our shenanigans and listen to us on Spotify and make sure you give us a five stars, because anything less is unacceptable. Seriously, unacceptable. Okay. Clock it like my daughter would say. Clock it. ⁓

Kiara (57:37)
True.

Clack it, I love it, clack it.

with that, but also to remind you that you can follow all of our shenanigans, all the videos, all the posts, and the new stuff we have going on the website. And to remind you, we have a blog now that launched last week on our website, maineventmamaspodcast.com. So go there to see all the videos. Send us a voicemail, join our mailing list. You can even register to be a guest, and we will let you know how that'll work out.

⁓ Your voicemails, please keep them appropriate as Tanesha likes to remind you because you know, it could be real awkward ⁓ otherwise. That being said...

Tanesha (58:18)
We're taking.

But wait, they can also follow us individually on Instagram at Tanesha underscore mama pod at Kiara mama pod.

Kiara (58:27)
That's right.

that being said we're not new to this

Tanesha (58:34)
We're so true to this, and this was Main Event Mamas.