Main Event Mamas Episode 34: The Episode Our Moms Are Going To Hate

Tanesha (00:00)
Hi I'm Tanesha

Kiara (00:01)
and I'm Kiara.

Kevelyn (00:03)
I'm Kevelyn.

Tanesha (00:04)
⁓ yeah, that's right, girl. Introduce yourself. And you're now entering the sister chat. Welcome to Main Event Mamas. Wow, that sounded crazy. Okay. Hey, she back y'all.

Kiara (00:12)
Woohoo! I could do that this week. I'm back, I'm back, I could do that this week.

Yeah. So we missed y'all last week, but life was life-ing. But we're back this week with a brand new adulting and a life episode. And it's all about mothers and daughters. I mean, it's a lot. But before we get into all of that, we want to remind you that this is your moment to hit that subscribe button so you can hang with us all the time. You can find out.

what time our content drops and you're the first to be in know and anyway so i wanted to essentially welcome everybody back to what is going to be i don't know if it's going to be deeply emotional i don't know if it's going to be deeply inspirational i definitely think i probably need prayer going into this

Tanesha (00:56)
Okay.

Kiara (01:03)
⁓ But we're diving into a topic we know very well. We're all moms. We all have daughters. We're also daughters who have mothers. So it's a dynamic because we are daughters.

Tanesha (01:11)
Why you saying like that?

Kevelyn (01:16)
True.

Tanesha (01:17)
That's crazy. And

they have mothers. It's just a generational thing.

Kiara (01:23)
Yes, it is. Anyway, it's a dynamic that shifts. It evolves throughout all of our lives. And from our first moment to navigating our own adulting struggles, we're explore in today's episode how that bond can change the lessons we learn and why sometimes we are grateful for the struggles that find its way to us. So I'm going to take it back.

Y'all will understand as we get into this what this is a complicated conversation for Kiara to have. But anyway, we're gonna start at the beginning. We're gonna start with the foundations and let's go back to the beginning. And we know the foundation of who we are is often built kind of in our childhoods, right? So Tanesha, let's start with you. What's a specific memory of your mother that you believe shaped you the most for better or for worse?

Tanesha (02:13)
Well, first I want to say mama, I love you. Thank you for supporting me. And thank you for watching. Now second, I don't know if it shaped me. Well, maybe.

The one thing we used to do a lot was go and have what we call Pig Out Fridays. That was something, yeah, we had what's called Pig Out Fridays. And pretty much that was mom and daughter time. We spent time together and what we would say, pig out, we would go to like the spots. like food spots. we, now granted back then I was very picky.

Kiara (02:38)
Okay.

Tanesha (02:52)
I mean, I'm still picky. But anyway, we would go to like, there is this one strip in New York in Elmont that had Nathan's, Baskin Robbins, Dunkin Donuts, and then Burger King. Like this, it was just like you went from one restaurant to another restaurant. So we literally would go, get some, I'll give me some fries or some nuggets or something from Burger King. Then we would go to Nathan's and get a hot dog and their fries.

Then we go to Dunkin' Donuts to get some donuts. Then we would go to Vasske Robbins to get some ice cream.

and then we'd go home and we would eat. Or we would go different places. Like one time I had pizza at McDonald's. Like it was like, it was just our time that we spent together. So I think for me, it shaped me in a way of understanding that with each one of my children, I have to make time for everyone. Because I don't know if we, cause I definitely felt, okay mom, don't hate me. I definitely felt the difference once my mom got married.

because we did not do those things because now she was all about her marriage and her spouse. Which I understand as an adult, but as a kid it was like, what do you mean we can't do those things no more because you got a man? I don't understand.

I'm just saying. You asked me for what? I

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up now.

Kiara (04:12)
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and move on to Kevelyn. Go ahead, girl. On you. Spotlight on you.

Kevelyn (04:18)
Okay, mine actually dates back to like middle school days. We actually would, she would always drive me to school in the morning. And it would be our, I call it our American Idol sessions. Cause we would just go in, right? And we love to sing. We love to like all of those. That's just, we're artsy, right? We know that.

Tanesha (04:34)
Mmm.

Kiara (04:35)
Yay!

Tanesha (04:44)
Yes.

Kevelyn (04:45)
But that's something my mom, I feel like pulls out of me any chance that she gets. ⁓ And so that was kind of like our fun time. Like every morning, I know we would, ⁓ I'm trying to remember the exact song that we would sing, but it would be different ones.

Tanesha (05:00)
I'm about to say no one our family

ever tried everything.

Kiara (05:02)
It could be anything, on any given time, I mean.

Kevelyn (05:03)
Listen, but we will get

like what? Is she be like, go girl? Like, yeah!

Tanesha (05:12)
You better sing that song, ow!

Kevelyn (05:12)
belting out before school. Look,

the music is loud, like she's just all the way live, right? So I just remember and I think that's... ⁓

Kiara (05:18)
Yes. I had that experience in the car during our little girls weekend. We was all in the car singing.

She's like, you better go ahead and it, girl. I'm like, yes!

Tanesha (05:26)
When she's done that

one song I was like, hold on how you know about that mom what you talking about? What you mean she was like, yeah, I was like, oh, okay You got me in my daddy wanted to stay. Okay, I understand

Kevelyn (05:31)
You

Listen, I

Kiara (05:41)
What is happening?

Kevelyn (05:42)
can't. Anyway, she's a turn up queen. That's all I was getting at. I remember like just always those like those particular times just starting my day in the best mood because I was just like, you know what? She, she, she a dope cheerleader in the morning. You know what saying? I don't know what kind of day I'm gonna have, but that's what I've tried to kind of.

I guess develop over time with my kids just to try to give them moments like that. Cause you remember that stuff. No matter how hard a day was, I just knew that no matter what she could be the turn up queen. So.

Kiara (06:16)
That's beautiful. Both of those are really great.

Kevelyn (06:17)
Thanks.

Tanesha (06:17)
your turn.

Kiara (06:20)
Thank god my mom doesn't watch this.

Tanesha (06:20)
Your turn.

Kiara (06:23)
So this is not an easy episode for me. So I just want to point that out. So y'all just pray for me, because this is hard. And not my mom's still here. She's still here. You know, she's still here among the living. But we're not really close. So I'm trying to like think of a memory that shaped me the most. You know?

Tanesha (06:42)
Remember it's supposed to be good or bad. So remember it's good or bad. you can try to, okay.

Kiara (06:45)
No, no, no, I am going to have a good memory. My mom did

do... It's complicated, My mom, I very much remember her always telling me how pretty I was. Like she... She would always be like, you're just so pretty. You're just so pretty. And she still does that. Like she'll be like, there's a picture. You're so pretty. You're so pretty. So that was kind of a nice memory considering that.

we were the darker skinned people in our kind of immediate family. My grandma, my aunties, my chilling, my husband, all red, all red boned And so we were the ones who kind of got my grandfather's, ⁓ Bajan skin. So that was always something that really meant so much. And then I'm also thinking about a time where,

was up I was learning how to type and I remember I had this assignment and y'all know school is serious to me and I had to type up this report I really wanted to type it up I don't know why it was super important because back in the day you know I'm aging myself little little bit we have computers like that we have computers like that but my mom was a secretary so she was an exceptional typer

Tanesha (07:53)
I'm about to say use, yeah.

Kiara (08:01)
and so she bought me a typewriter for I think Christmas on my birthday because I was gonna be a reporter y'all I was just I Was supposed to be a journalist and I did go to journalism school, but that's not sorry and I remember her I had been up all night Trying to type on this typewriter and I just could not get it. And so I was at the table till probably like

Tanesha (08:08)
You were. That was journalism. That was your thing.

Kiara (08:29)
two or three in the morning and she just was like, get up and go to bed. And I will do it. And the next morning I woke up and I had the perfectly typed paper.

waiting for me on my way to school. So yeah, I have a good memory. And I think the way that shaped me is it was nice to know that.

Kevelyn (08:41)
That's super sweet.

Kiara (08:46)
help can come from unexpected places.

There we go. Huh, well.

Kevelyn (08:50)
for them.

Tanesha (08:51)
Yeah, you should get through that with that. Uh-huh. Not sure. No emotion

Kiara (08:51)
That was hard. I mean, the truth, I

mean, to be honest, it was tough. And now I'm thinking, why did I decide to do this topic? Anyway, so as a mom yourself, what's a parenting lesson? You're either trying to pass down from your own mother or one you're actively trying.

to break away from. And this time we'll start with Kevelyn

Kevelyn (09:19)
Ooh, I say probably for myself. Just coming from, I think more or less it comes from just the perfectionist aspect of how I kind of conducted myself when I was younger. Oh my God.

Tanesha (09:38)
Like I said, I think I need to sit up. need to, cause she got real, she got

real quiet. I was like, I need to probably lean in a little bit. was like.

Kiara (09:43)
That hurts to get that attention.

Okay, listen, let's go. Go ahead. Let Kevelyn finish. ⁓

Kevelyn (09:47)
Well,

no, know. obviously, you know, we talked about it before, but, know, just having a background where, you know, excellence was always, ⁓ you know, just wasn't an option. It was just the norm. ⁓ I've learned to let my kids be kids to some degree. It's not always about ⁓ work, work, work, work, work.

It's okay to have fun. But there's a time and a place for everything. But I think with my oldest daughter, I think she can be very hard on herself when it comes to schooling and when it comes to trying to get things right the first time. And I mean, I get it because I was the same way. But I just tried to be the buffer and to try to give her a little bit of grace.

and just be there with her when I'm available to, know, obviously. But, yeah, that's, I would say that's probably my lesson that I'm just trying to teach her. It's okay. You don't always have to be 100 % perfect and it's okay to have challenges and life happens sometimes. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. So yeah, that's what I have.

Kiara (11:04)
Yeah.

That's beautiful too. I think that that's an important lesson. How about

Tanesha

Tanesha (11:12)
⁓

see this is what I think what I've gotten from my mom and I pass it to her is there are times where I do try to be more understanding and I think growing up my mom definitely had a difference between me and my brothers. But because I was the girl.

I guess I got away with lot of stuff. But I also did, was expected to be more? I don't know if that makes sense what I'm saying, with my daughter, I try. I've seen myself try to do that a little bit, and I think it's just because I see my daughter in me, and I try to correct.

Kiara (11:46)
It does.

Tanesha (12:01)
that so she doesn't become the adult version of me? If that makes sense with the question that you have asked.

Kiara (12:07)
I mean it does, mean things that shaped your parenting. So yeah, I do think it does.

Tanesha (12:11)
I

I definitely do, especially, you know, with my girl child starting her cycle and everything like that, I'm definitely more. My mom was one of those that when I first got it, she was very attentive. She was very making sure that I was okay, that I understood what was happening in that regard. ⁓ And for her to, I felt like she was also learning and understanding at the same time. So I'm doing the same thing with my daughter. Cause it's like, even though I'm a woman and I've done this, I've experienced this, it's like,

This is the first time for both of us, so I'm navigating that with her. ⁓ So I would say that's the one thing I can say I definitely took for my mom to do.

Kiara (12:44)
Okay.

Okay, that's also very, I think that's also very powerful to recognize like the patterns in yourself and making some changes and shifting some things. I think for me, I learned, again, it's complicated. Again, I'm starting to regret this, but it's complicated.

Tanesha (13:12)
No, no, no, no, it's okay. It's good, because you gotta remember,

our listeners out here maybe experienced each one of us. So you may be speaking to someone who's having a difficult time with their mom too, or had a rough upbringing in that regard. So they can relate.

Kiara (13:21)
Be great.

Yeah, okay, so the thing I will say is with my kids, both of them, especially with my daughter, ⁓

I, ⁓ they know how much they mean to me on every given day and always. ⁓ I think going above and beyond is something that we always experience. Like I definitely know my mom did whenever, know, every birthday, every holiday was the most and the best and incredible. But I felt like sometimes we paid for that a little bit. And in a sense of like work was so important.

But I don't know. I honestly don't think my mom knew how to be closer to me. I think it was easier with her with the boys than it was to me. And so with my daughter, I think I find myself making sure that we have a relationship. Like we talk, we chat, we have days, we talk. Now I don't always want to hang out with her because she's always here.

So sometimes I need a little space. But otherwise, like, we do stuff. We hang out. We like... I like to remind her we like the same things, like with the music in the car. That's real.

We do have concerts every time you're in MomCard. It's a concert. I mean, we are at a concert from top to bottom. Don't let us have to travel to Auntie's house, okay? Because we gonna have a concert for a whole whopping two and a half hours. You know what mean? And so we have fun. I think I like to bring that element of fun and love. My house is very much peaceful and laughter and joyous.

as much as it can be when you're raising kids and you're going to run into inevitable conflicts, right? But I also feel like even when we're in conflict, I try to... ⁓

What's the word? It's just hard to describe. I think I try to cultivate the experience I don't feel like I had. Like I try to listen, I try to understand, I try to be supportive. I also try to make sure you're here. I try to be...

strict or rather like hold you accountable with a level of love, right? Does that make sense? Like I was like, I like to be able to, I still think it's important to understand the rules and the dynamics of why it's important to have them. But I also like to add a layer to like love and why I'm doing the things I'm doing. I like them to try to understand me more than just to be a mom. I don't know if that makes sense or if it-

got a little convoluted there, but yeah. That's how, as a parent, I try to navigate things and so that they see I'm human first. ⁓ Yes, I do know a lot. I've been here a while, but I want them to understand that we're all humans and inevitably we're all gonna make mistakes, even me, just like they do, and that I'm here. I'm just always here. As much as I can be, are the most important things, besides my husband, of course, a lot of Lord Above.

in my life and I think that's what I try to instill in them just based on my childhood because I don't really feel like we got that a lot from mom's side very much. Okay now let's shift because

You got a follow-up question?

Tanesha (17:06)
did.

Kiara (17:06)
You

Tanesha (17:07)
question I have, do you think...

For our mothers, what do you think for our moms that they try to?

change or not change from their moms to us.

Kiara (17:17)
Mmm.

I think my mom was less, okay, she tried to be less strict, I feel like.

trying to think it's not even I'm not even trying to be politically correct like you know I have my politician answer that's not even it I'm trying to figure out how to how to phrase this because my grandma inevitably like they're little people you know I mean like my grandma's tiny my mom's barely five

Tanesha (17:42)
So try and be tiny and

mighty. ⁓

Kiara (17:46)
Yes, and scary, ⁓ in fact. There are many stories about violence ensuing. So, you know, definitely grew up with all that. I don't remember, my mom wasn't crazy in that sense. Like she did not do things that would physically harm you until you may make it to the

And I'm also saying that my mom, I think she strived to be

less aggressive. I think she wanted to be understood, but I also don't think, I think this is where you run into things when you're parents and their patterns, which is why another thing I always like to tell my kids is like, we learn and we try to do better. I don't know that she took the opportunity to really evaluate.

The past to inform her future, which I think that is a thing that I have taken upon myself to really like lean into of what worked for me, what didn't work. But I also think that thing that also helps is I have my husband as a mirror and I use him a lot of times to be like, am I being crazy? Can you tell me if I'm taking this the wrong way? And I don't think she had that.

I think it's hard when I think in that generation I'm not sure that reflection was part of their parenting process. Does that make sense?

Kevelyn (19:08)
sitting here and I was like this is this is hard ⁓ I think that my grandmother was very much hands-on in a lot of the decision making with her kids just I mean life decisions but I think

My mom is a lot more like, you can talk to me about it, but you gonna make your own decision. And I think that that's something that I appreciate, but you know, at times, we need a little bit more, you know, a little bit.

Tanesha (19:30)
you

Kiara (19:30)
Mmm, yeah.

Tanesha (19:42)
I was like, but there's a but.

You're like, get that. I know you said for me to make the decision, but I need your help making the decision. I need your input.

Kiara (19:46)
You're want a guide.

Kevelyn (19:48)
Right.

Kiara (19:57)
But it could be the reverse, which is my situation, which is my answer is the only answer and your answer is not negotiable. So I caution you because either side of the extremities is a rough way to grow up. I'm just saying.

Kevelyn (20:14)
So it was lot of open-mindedness and a lot of the decisions I made early on. It's like, girl, you wanna, okay, I'm gonna let you, like, it's like, almost like, I'm just gonna let you live. like.

Tanesha (20:27)
I'm about say it's like one

of those like, yeah, you gonna touch that? I already told you not to or kinda, you know what? You know what? I'ma let you, you said you, no, fine, go ahead. You'll deal with whatever happens after, yep.

Kevelyn (20:31)
Right? No, seriously.

I'm

gonna let you learn. I'm let you learn. Yeah.

Kiara (20:38)
See, that's interesting. Because I'm like,

nah, it was like, that's stupid. Touch it if you want to. Is your hand burning? Because it will. That was the energy I grew up with. So I'm like, ⁓

Tanesha (20:46)
you

Kiara (20:54)
I'm not sure if I would have done so well on the other side either, to be honest.

Kevelyn (20:58)
And hey, you know, we here.

Kiara (21:02)
Alright, Tanesha, enough with the grilling. Your turn.

Kevelyn (21:02)
I'm gonna be live, see you soon.

Tanesha (21:04)
⁓ Yeah,

no problem. ⁓ I forgot what the question I asked. Anyway, ⁓

Kiara (21:11)
course she did.

Tanesha (21:14)
It was about our moms and their moms, right? And how it went to us, right? Okay, okay, okay, okay. So, I mean, I my grandma. Continue resting in peace.

Kevelyn (21:16)
The difference. Yep.

Kiara (21:17)
Yes.

Tanesha (21:23)
I do feel like, Ma, please, okay, I love you. Happy birthday, I love you. ⁓ I do feel like some of it has shaped my mom in a way. I think from, my grandmother was a...

Kiara (21:28)
At least we didn't do it around Mother's Day. You're welcome.

Tanesha (21:45)
Good woman, great woman, great person to talk to, but she was definitely old school.

she was raised in Kentucky. ⁓ Her mama was a... Yes, yes, my grandma was raised in Kentucky. ⁓ And so at that time, her mom was the slave daughter's, a slave daughter? Or in the master, something like that. One of those two, I get them confused. But she has a whole other...

Kiara (21:56)
Kentucky? I never would have guessed that.

Your grandmother?

Tanesha (22:21)
Yeah, my grandmother, her mom, so her mom. Yeah, but she was raised in Kentucky, so they have that whole thing. So if you go to Kentucky, they're still very racist, there's some things of that nature. So she had a different type of...

Kiara (22:23)
Okay, okay, okay, I got you.

Tanesha (22:35)
She was the one who put coasters underneath your thing. She was the one who sat here and you can sit here and have a conversation with her and sometimes she'll start giving you some what? Answer you're looking at like I don't you know, I didn't think that was how that works So perfect example, course y'all know main event mama fam I'm always to be the personable one. I always give y'all my business

Ultimately, I remember one time, and this is where it's gonna get into where I feel like my mom is different, is when Oprah had an episode about molestation or rape or something of that nature. And my grandmother sat over there and was like, nah, y'all cause it yourselves. And I looked at her like.

wait a minute whoa whoa whoa and my mom wasn't like that my mom did not ⁓ pretty much things have happened and my mom was not never the one who blamed me for why it happened it never was you wore something different so that's why you saw you was trying to get that attention even as a grown woman she still tried to get me dressed as modest as possible

because she's not even like, if that happened, then that's not your fault that that happened. It wasn't that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time or it was just, that's unfortunate. My mom was very protective and understanding and knowing that you have to protect, not accuse, not tell me it's your fault, not, know, it was your fault why that happened. So that is the difference between.

I would say in essence my grandma and my mom because unfortunately something of that nature happened and my grandmother didn't believe my mom either. So I think that shapes when you have one parent who is in denial.

Kiara (24:34)
you

Tanesha (24:35)
and then they cast blame. So then you wanna make sure that that would never happen to your child again. that got deep. Sorry.

Kiara (24:44)
It did. It did. And so we're going to shift to even more complex topics like teenage years to adulthood, because oof, oof. As we hit these teenage years, things inevitably get more complicated. There's a push and pull for independence. So what was the biggest source of friction or disagreement between you and your mom during that time? And how did that conflict ultimately change your relationship?

Who wants to go first on this one? I'm not gonna pick. I'm just gonna ask.

Tanesha (25:16)
I'll go first Kevelyn

Kiara (25:17)
Let's just...

Tanesha (25:18)
For my teenage

years, I wasn't as bad. I mean, I wasn't kidding, Kevin said, whatever, I'm not, listen.

I did not like... My mom was very strict. So I would do things as a teenager to be able to do what I needed to do. So in context, I always had to come home after school. Straight home. Never let me go outside. Never let me do anything while I was a teenager. It was just like,

Couldn't, ⁓ I wanted to join a step team, no. Or you can join a step team, but you can't go to the games. Or I wanted to go to this dance, no. I wanted to go to prom, no. Because at prom, everybody, you know, have sex. I know, but I got kicked out after.

Kiara (26:08)
Wait, you went to prom?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Tanesha (26:17)
I got kicked out because I went to prom because ⁓ I went against what she wanted what she said and I said I was going to prom and I paid for it she did not pay for it I paid for it and I got proceeded that night knowing I was going to prom the next day I was homeless

Kiara (26:35)
So I'd like to dive into that. Like, did that conflict about prom change your relationship for the better or the worse?

Tanesha (26:41)
I feel like initially it changed it for the worse. Cause I was just like, wow, you really kicked me out. I didn't think she was gonna kick me out. I thought she was just talking. So the fact she actually kicked me out, I was out the house. ⁓

a month and a half. I lived with my grandmother and then I lived with my brother and his wife ⁓ in the Bronx for a good month and a half. I remember, prom was June, I didn't move back into the house until September. And the reason I moved back into house is because I wanted a cat. And I couldn't have it at my brother and sister-in-law's house. She didn't want no animals.

So that's how my mom got me back to my house. It was that, you can have an animal. Because at first I wasn't going to go back. It was one of those, like, I see you and then I leave. See you later. Because it was just like, wow, you really kicked me out. So I can say that it changed our relationship in that regards of, you let me actually going out to a prom effect where I stayed at. as, yeah, so that's me as a teenager.

There you go.

Kiara (27:51)
Well that, I would say that's relatable, but ⁓ I definitely think there are parts of that I certainly relate to and I'll tell you a fun story about my own prom story later. ⁓ But let's move on to Kevelyn

Kevelyn (28:06)
So ⁓ I think my biggest friction with my mom was actually had to do with my parents, collectively. just to kind of, just briefly, she wasn't around for a portion of my teenage years. ⁓

Kiara (28:20)
Hmm.

Kevelyn (28:34)
and I was told one side of the story, obviously. And I was upset. I was angry. was upset. I didn't understand why things had to be that way. And it wasn't until...

I actually had those conversations, obviously they got back together. ⁓ But it wasn't until we had those tough conversations about why she chose the route she chose and why she wasn't there for that portion

Kevelyn (29:10)
Of course you get one side of the story. You get one side of the dynamic and honestly it just, it's upsetting and it was a rough time for me. And I held onto that for a while. Even like when they got back together and all of that.

I held onto it and it changed things because like I said, she was like my go-to. She was the turn up queen. She was the one I always went to for the true joyful, joyful stuff. I went to my mama. And then the absence was tough for that time. So I think that it ultimately caused a rift in our relationship.

I got a little bit more rebellious with her after that, I think. And it wasn't until ⁓ I got older that we had that. I mean, obviously that shifted as I got older and we got closer. ⁓ But I feel like we had to have those kind of conversations about why things had to be the way that it was then. Cause I didn't get it as a teenager. And as teenagers, don't, you know, you don't understand what's going on. You're just kind of thrown into the mix of

Kiara (30:19)
All

Kevelyn (30:25)
parental adult situations ⁓ and when you don't know you kind of can take that out on one or the other and that's kind of I think the What ended up happening with that situation, but we're the best of friends now

Tanesha (30:42)
Yeah, mean,

in at dad definitely made sure he told us all the bad stuff and it was like, geez. So I can even say that even as the relationship with Nani, ⁓ ma, that some things dad said did play a part. then as, unfortunately, as we get older and now we can like, you know what, let me have this conversation with you. Let me tap in and let you know how I was feeling, da da, and getting the other perspective because at the time...

Kiara (30:47)
199%.

Tanesha (31:10)
We weren't thinking about your other perspective. All we knew was how it was affecting you, how it was affecting our dad, how it was affecting our brother, how it was affecting all of us as a unit, especially when we went to go visit. So that's good that y'all were able to get back on track now as adults.

Kiara (31:28)
Yeah, 100%. ⁓ I know how hard that is, especially because it's easy to be told to stay in a child's place, but adult actions often have ramifications for kids who are in the middle of it. As someone who had to live that a lot, despite having divorced parents, it was complicated. It's having the same parent, then you already know. You heard all the bad stuff and none of the, did this and I'm accountable for the following.

Though he was accountable sometimes, just not to maybe the level.

Tanesha (31:58)
that we needed him to be.

Kiara (32:01)
you know, maybe not to that level. ⁓ I can tell you, my mom's and my relationship definitely took a turn in the teen years. I definitely think growing up, we weren't necessarily close, ⁓ but I hadn't, I was really close to my aunt Linda, who was her older sister. ⁓

So that was kind of my surrogate. was like, that's where I got the warm and fuzzies from, right? Like my mom was not the mom who was gonna like hold you through the nightmares or like, but she was the mom who would like do whatever for you, right? So you had all the presents, you had all the clothes. My hair stay done all day, every day.

Tanesha (32:40)
Nails stayed on fleek.

Kiara (32:42)
Teenagehood brought nails stay done all day, every day, still to this day. At high school, was like, Kiara's the one who always looked done. Like, was just what it was, because my hair and my nails stayed done because she worked in a hair salon. And so as an adult, I can look on that differently. But as a teenager, that was probably the roughest patch we've probably ever, ever gone through, because...

It's not even so much that my independence required me to leave and do things. That wasn't it. You know what mean? It was that my independence required you to allow me to have my own point of view and to point out when you were being kind of a jerk. And not just a jerk to me, a jerk to my siblings. Like, did you consider that maybe something else is going on? I also think...

That was a lot of the time that I realized that some of the adulting was pushed on to me because it was more comfortable that way. ⁓ So definitely, can definitely tell you around prom time, that was when things took a, that took off the head. Even though my mom paid for prom both years, I also had a job. but she, was really important for her to go through this, but it was inconvenient, right? Finding the dress was inconvenient.

finding the shoes was inconvenient, having to pay for it was inconvenient. ⁓ Getting dressed up, no that was fun. That was the part that was a blast, right? But the up to it and on it, like prom was fun. And then for prom night, my ex-boyfriend, he wasn't even my boyfriend at the time, who I went with him and a friend and we all wanted to go to his house and watch movies. His mom.

was cool. His mom was the coolest mom I think I ever met as a teenager. Because she just trusted him implicitly. So we kicked it at the house. Nothing untoward happened. We just watched seriously Buffy and Angel. Like that's all we did.

Tanesha (34:43)
You know what? That was the

show right there. Buffy and Angel? You couldn't tell us nothing about no Angel. He was, okay, nevermind.

Kiara (34:47)
That's what we did.

He was fly. I was, was fan. ⁓ And so we sat there watching Buffy and Angel and my mom blew up my phone to threaten me because we would not, I would not come home immediately following the prom. And so she was like threatening to call the cops and.

you know, saying that, you know, was kidnapped or I was like, you are being a nutcase. Like, it was crazy. I was, you know, I don't know if I told you the story. I was livid and embarrassed because, first of all, I was not the kid who was having sex or anything. I didn't do drugs, didn't have sex. I was the ultimate square, right? I wouldn't even date in this dude. There was nothing romantic going on.

Tanesha (35:16)
I did not know that. No.

Kiara (35:37)
like in any way shape or form. But my mom inevitably did not believe that. Well, she might have, but she didn't care. And so it was just, it turned what should have been a really fun memory into like a nightmare, right? And so when I came home, we fought and fought. Like it just got bad and worse because my mom is not the type who wants you to have your own independent thought. Like she very much wants you to agree with her. And if you don't, all bets are off.

Like, you will be going. So we went to war a lot. I feel bad for thinking our brothers lived in that house with me because, like, it had to be hell. Had to be. Like, we are two very similar type, like, I'm right personalities. And it was, and for me, I tried to, I always tried to soften, to try to see her side and I feel like it would bite me in the ass.

So I would be like, forget it. So it was awful. It was awful. How did it change our relationship? Man, I hated that lady. Boy did I ever. She did apologize, but I didn't care at that point because it had just, this was not the first or the last time that a memory had been trashed or a moment that should have been really special was not. So it was tough.

It was a tough time, so there's that. But I can tell you, things did soften a little bit later on. ⁓ Certainly once I had my children, but that's a whole nother level of anger that we're gonna get into.

Soon, soon.

Tanesha (37:19)
I did want to tap in because I remember as you're talking about prom because our proms I think were very like back to back like I think either mine was before yours or something. We'll tell you about that story how we all wore the same dress and we didn't realize we even picked the same dress with a different color. But I do wish that my mom wasn't so go-ho on me not going to prom and

Kiara (37:26)
Mm-hmm.

Was.

It was fun.

Tanesha (37:46)
I mean, because I didn't get that experience to be with her. Like I went dress shopping, but I went dress shopping with my mom. Like I went dress shopping with my stepmom. And that was, you know, and I think you were there too, Kevvie. It was like, we went dress shopping for me because I didn't get that experience. I know, but I'm saying like I wouldn't have been with my mom. You know, like that's.

Kiara (38:02)
At least you got to do that. It was not fun with my mom.

Tanesha (38:10)
should have been you helping pick some now, know, doing the whole thing. Like she didn't even, I got dressed down the street at my uncle's store. I couldn't even get dressed in the house. You understand what I'm saying? So I didn't even get none of, I didn't get none of that experience with my mom because she was so ho gone of.

Kiara (38:24)
That was a core, that's a core memory.

Tanesha (38:31)
Unfortunately, it's a religious thing and them sitting here pretty much saying well prom is also the night that people have sex and I'm like girl I've already been having sex and I can tell you I had sex but I'm gonna make it a point not to have sex that night just to prove to you that we don't have to have sex on prom. You know what saying? So it was like and that really changed that part of our relationship as a because our relationship already was changing when she got married.

Kiara (38:59)
Okay.

Tanesha (38:59)
So like literally got married at the end of my junior high school year going into high school. So that relationship was already changing. And then that happened. Yeah, it took a while. But I just thought about it while you were talking about it. So I just fell in need to add that.

Kiara (39:12)
yeah. I

mean, I, the thing that it felt to me, it was sad that it, that drama overshadowed the moment we kind of had together getting dressed because she dressed me up like a doll. My mom is notorious for knowing how to, she always looks good. So she made sure I looked good and smelled good and had makeup on and I was so pretty and it was magic and she had earrings and it was beautifully put together and then.

It didn't end that great.

Tanesha (39:43)
It was pretty much like

she builds you up and then it was just so she can put you down.

Kiara (39:47)
I'm

just knock you right down at the end. But I don't, I think that will lead us into a deeper conversation, but I honestly don't think that that is an intentional thing with my mother. I don't think she does this to be hurtful or to be mean. I think that's just maybe a defense mechanism, having she grew up with all sisters.

I told you my grandma was like, is continues to be a complicated lady. And for her grandkids, she was nicer sometimes. Not always, but nicer, softer, but with her kids, not as much. And so a part of me thinks that a lot of that was kind of growing up that way, where it became a defense mechanism. And then the situations that daddy put her through and some other situations she found herself in her life.

I think she tries to, she tried to protect herself and by extension me, but by doing that, she wanted me to listen and do everything she wanted to do. And the one thing you should know about this Aries is don't do that. It's like, you can't tell me what to do. And I think our father figured that out very quickly. He had the cheat code. And I think that drove mom insane is because he was like,

Tanesha (41:02)
I'm gonna say our dad, I think that was like our dad thing.

Kiara (41:10)
You can't tell her what to do. Why can't you just... He would always say to her, why don't you just have a conversation with her? Because we could have conversations. Easy. Because again, I feel like if you set the rules of a conversation, like he was like, you can't be disrespectful. You better not curse and let's talk. Tell me what's going on. And it seemed like there was real interest in your feelings. Whereas my mom was like, suck it up and hear what I said. Right?

But again, I don't necessarily think that was an intentional thing or that she was, that she is that way to be mean. I think when you protect yourself for so long, you don't want to leave yourself vulnerable. And so it makes you kind of be like a turtle where you're just like stuck in a shell and anything that touches that shell is sharp or maybe like a porcupine. No se. No se. I think the porcupine is closer to it.

Kiara (42:07)
So, Kevelyn looking back, what's a disagreement with your mother that you have a completely different perspective on as an adult now?

Kevelyn (42:13)
I would probably have to say ⁓ my outlook on dating

Kiara (42:23)
Mmm.

Kevelyn (42:25)
Obviously I was trying to get there little quicker than she wanted me to. ⁓

Kiara (42:31)
Yep.

Yep.

Kevelyn (42:35)
The rule was 16. And then it changed. And then it changed again. So the rule was 16. No, no, no. No, truthfully the rule was 16. I was trying to rush it. And I was trying to get there ahead of time. And honestly, she was not difficult. But she was stern. Like I said what I said. This is what it is. We're not.

Kiara (42:43)
to what, 21?

Kevelyn (43:02)
We're not gonna do the deterring thing. We're not, no, 15 and a half, no. Like, no. And I wasn't having it, you know? I was trying to, you know, live a little. I was very sheltered. Obviously we know that. I didn't do a whole lot, ain't go whole lot of places. We didn't do sleepovers. We didn't do none of that stuff. And I just felt like that was probably the only way I was gonna get a little bit of like independence.

Kiara (43:05)
I'm not deviating from the plan.

Nope.

Kevelyn (43:31)
And so that was probably our biggest, like that I can think of at the moment. But I think that now as an adult, I'm with it. I don't think that. Looking back now, I'm like, you want to be dating that early? But dating for what? What are you dating for? What are we doing?

Kiara (43:42)
Facts

Where are you going? Like what you dating

for? You ain't got no job and no money What you doing?

Kevelyn (43:56)
Listen,

it's not that serious. know, as teenagers, I don't think we get it, you know what saying? And our parents do the best they can to reel us in. And then as adults, we're like, you were totally right. And I feel you on that

Kiara (44:10)
Yep, I feel you.

Kevelyn (44:12)
Fair. Nah, we're not doing it. What about you?

Kiara (44:14)
I you. Because I'm like, mm. Yeah, no. I definitely

get it. Because for me, I think I was, had a moment recently when we were talking about dating, actually, coincidentally. And with my mother, yeah, I don't even think 16 was, I don't even know if there actually was a number that we had in mind for dating.

I really wasn't super interested in dating until I was and that was around 16. And ⁓ my mother would have raked me over the coals. Like that was not a thing that I was going to be doing. ⁓ I did have a boyfriend I think at 16. I don't think she had a say in the boyfriend thing, but I definitely think...

Kevelyn (45:01)
Yeah.

Kiara (45:03)
I'm like, did we go on a date? I think after he bought me a Valentine's Day present, I think that's, I felt like she felt like it might've been real. I met his mom, like I spent plenty of time at the house and stuff and my mom met him because that was difficult but necessary. ⁓ But now I, again, same, like where you going? Now I'm like, what you doing? You got a job? Because.

Kevelyn (45:21)
Okay.

Okay.

Kiara (45:34)
Now feel like I ask more questions about these things. Why do you want to go? What are you going to be doing there? Like, what's the plan? Where's everyone's parents? Have I met their parents? Like now I feel like you got to do an FBI investigation and I truly appreciate my mother's attempt to keep us safe by saying no. I mean, yeah, I aint sorry either. Now I'm like, I get it. Now I get it.

Kevelyn (45:36)
Yeah.

you

you

Kiara (45:59)
I used to feel strangely because I'm like, why is a girl I have more like, more like pressure about doing the right thing and more, more restrictions than the boys? I get it now as a mom, because there's things that can happen to you that don't happen to boys. ⁓ boys get off a little scot-free on some of these decisions that y'all both might make together. So yeah, yeah, yeah, I totally get that dating is definitely one of those. ⁓

Kevelyn (46:10)
Mm-hmm. Nope. Mm-hmm.

Kiara (46:30)
different perspectives that happen, especially as you become a mom of a teenager, where you're like, mm, no. That was my answer, because I definitely believe the girl child was like, can I go to prom? As a sophomore, girl, you crazy. was like, absolutely not. I was like, no, you will be going on your relatable year. That is not happening ahead of time.

Kevelyn (46:46)
feel you, though. ⁓

That makes sense to me.

Kiara (46:57)
And one of her friends

was older, like he is like two years older. So like she was like maybe 14. And I was like, haha.

Absolutely not. And this I felt validated. My husband was like, same.

Kevelyn (47:19)
think it's a protection factor. You gotta protect these babies nowadays. This is a different world. ⁓

Kiara (47:27)
think it was a crazy

world back in the day, right? Like, but now there's so much exposure to things that they should not have that I'm like, please do not under any circumstances make some of these crazy mistakes that you can't come back from. And also I feel like things, we talked about before, a lot of these things are like in the open and are confusing. But there are consequences to your actions and I think you need to know that. So there's that.

Kevelyn (47:36)
Yeah.

Kiara (47:56)
So okay, Tanesha, it's your turn.

Tanesha (47:58)
You know what, I think, are we talking about like teenagers or as a teenager?

Kiara (48:03)
Mm-hmm. This

is from our teenage struggles.

Tanesha (48:05)
Me and my phone.

Kiara (48:08)
Okay, talk about that.

Tanesha (48:10)
⁓ The reason why I say that is because, granted at that time we didn't have social media as teenagers, but having a phone still was like, I got a phone. And it wasn't free until after nine o'clock anyway. So that's when you start talking to people and it took me to write a poem.

that I don't remember. I don't know if it was called the Night and Shining Armor or something. Because at that time, me you, used to write for Poetry.com. So... Because this is what got me in trouble and this is why I... ⁓ So in that poem, they used to, when they was sent, when you submitted the poem and they wanted the poem...

Kiara (48:38)
Yes we did, I can't believe that you remember that.

Tanesha (48:53)
to go in the book or whatever. Remember they used to send it in the envelope and they had the window open with your poem so everybody can read your poem when it's coming.

Kiara (49:01)
I remember dad

being like, are you going through something?

Tanesha (49:05)
And in this particular poem, I was talking about pretty much being on the phone at night and not being able to get off the phone. And I was sitting on the phone until 3 a.m. talking to a particular person. So my mom was like, ⁓ so you're on the phone, huh? And I was like, well, you know, you know how we try to talk ourselves out of it. Like, well, yeah, but I mean, I'd be going to bed. but no, but in this poem here, right?

Kiara (49:24)
be on a file till 3 a.m.

Tanesha (49:34)
you said that you'd be up in the middle of the night on the phone and you just don't know how to make your decision or not. That's it.

She's like, so moving forward at night, your phone will be out here in the kitchen. And you will not said pick up this phone until the morning time. And I was like.

Okay. Now as an adult, I understand why she did that because one, rest is important. Two, what you stressing about some boy for? And why you on the phone at three o'clock in the morning? Because, ⁓ girl, you weren't giving it up, but you would have thought that you were giving it up being on the phone at three o'clock in the morning.

Kiara (50:08)
You could be sleep.

Tanesha (50:15)
I'm just saying, y'all saying what they say, nothing's open after what, midnight? But legs and.

Kiara (50:20)
Nothing good happens

after midnight on the phone is what I told people. I said those are booty call hours. Ain't good happening between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.

Tanesha (50:27)
Nothing good, and as an adult, I understand that. I learned that

and understand that and did not realize as a teenager, even though I wasn't at that time.

I wasn't going to nobody's house at 3 o'clock in the morning. But, to have the phone conversations, and you're just like, hiya, kiki, ha ha ha. Well, you could have been perceiving that you were doing those things. So I understand it as an adult now, why it became a thing. And that's definitely something I do with my kids. Their phones get locked by 9 o'clock. You can't do nothing. The only person you can call is me.

Kiara (50:40)
No.

Tanesha (51:00)
You can't text, can't video chat, you can't do nothing. It just locks. So yeah, that's the one thing I can say as a teenager. I did not understand. just was like, you don't even pay my phone. And that's the other thing, I was paying my phone bill. So it wasn't even like she was paying her phone bill for me. I was paying my phone bill. And it was like, you can feel control how I talk on a phone? That's kind of crazy.

Kiara (51:18)
Yeah, me too.

My mom definitely didn't. And to be for real, I was on the phone at ridiculous hours as well as a teenager because I did not sleep ever. I didn't sleep. I was like a vampire. I was up all night and all day. Like it was insane. And I remember talking to my now husband till like, what, four, five a.m. whenever I fell asleep.

Tanesha (51:28)
We all were.

Yeah, we would just like, yeah, we sleep for

an hour or we be up and we just keep it moving. Yeah, man.

Kiara (51:48)
Ah, youth. Now I'm like,

somebody will get hurt if mom doesn't get her seven and a half, eight hours of sleep. It's real. Okay, that's cool. That's a good way to look at it, because I definitely think, as Kevie and I also shared, there's some stuff that you think back on and you're like, hmm, I get it.

Kiara (52:07)
So my next question is, as a mom, what is a difficult parenting moment you've experienced recently that you hope will lead to a deeper understanding with your daughter later on?

Kevelyn (52:21)
recently I would say

We've had some run-ins with ⁓ not like anything crazy, but we've had some run-ins with communication and boys and ⁓ yeah, feeling like it's okay to just talk to them whenever, you know, we got a cell phone. That honestly, ⁓ and I get it, you know, as a teenager, I was once a teenager, I get it.

Kiara (52:42)
Ayy.

Kevelyn (52:54)
you feel like, you know, I'm not doing anything wrong. We just talking. We just, I ain't said nothing wrong. We talk about the track meet tomorrow. Like, but it's like, what are you guys talking about right now? Right? That's not, it's not an option, you know? And I think that she was upset. Obviously I, I, I took her phone because I caught her more than once. Um, and I had to have the

Kiara (53:05)
Yes, ma'am.

I mean,

acts just have consequences, you know?

Kevelyn (53:22)
Listen,

you gotta you gotta have some type of consequences for your actions, right? ⁓ Yeah, we can have the conversation but if you're gonna continue to do it then I gotta back my word up with something ⁓ And I think that what I hope to be like the deeper understanding later is I'm not trying to be the villain But there's things that y'all y'all need to be talking about nothing that late. You got school tomorrow. What are we talking about? It's okay to have guy friends. I get it

Kiara (53:33)
Right.

Kevelyn (53:51)
but we have to reel it in a little bit. So there's no talking after a certain time and we have to watch and monitor what you're talking about because I don't want to have no incidents that I have to then hurt somebody over. So that's just that.

Kiara (53:53)
Mm-hmm.

Amen. Amen. I hate to have to be the one

who was in court on some decisions that you made. I had to make some decisions of my own, you know. So I, you know, I feel you. I feel you 100%. I think it's hard. I say this all the time and everyone who is a teenager probably says it too. It is hard right now with all the things that they're exposed to. I definitely think

Kevelyn (54:11)
Nope. Exactly.

Kiara (54:31)
I found myself having to have a lot of these like tougher, like sterner conversations about requirements, like is your homework done? Then you can't do this. It is very, we fight about this dag on play and the role it plays in her life because to me, I feel it adds a level of stress, which she struggles with some schoolwork.

Kevelyn (54:41)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (55:00)
So when you add that level of stress because of the schoolwork, then you're ultimately even more stressed out. And that can lead to like illness and all this other stuff, especially in the last year. And so we went toe to toe over this daggone play thing and I wanted to pull her out. And I feel like all we did was fight and fight and fight and fight and fight. And then I learned a lesson. That sometimes I just got to learn the lesson. So.

Kevelyn (55:11)
Yeah.

Kiara (55:30)
I stopped fighting. I was like, cool, you want to do it? Sweet, sweet. And then I felt like it led to a deeper understanding pretty clearly when she did not pass a couple classes and therefore had to go to summer school. So I felt like, and then she came to me later and said, you know what, mom, I get it now. I think we need to figure out what role that can actually play and what role that it doesn't fit. And maybe we need to revisit.

how things are gonna be done in the future. So that was fun, let's just say, to feel validated. But in the moment of all the arguing and fighting and yelling and screaming, I was just like, why is my life like this? I never thought we would get to that place. That's what you get, teenagers. Teenagers. You're like, we're gonna get along like gangbusters all the time, girl.

Kevelyn (56:12)
Thank you.

Yes. Okay.

Kiara (56:30)
No, because they're naturally bred to push back against rules.

Kevelyn (56:36)
Yeah.

Kiara (56:37)
But it sucks.

Tanesha (56:37)
I mean okay.

much with her.

Like, we don't argue about her phone, because they know it's what it is. But we will get into it more so if she has an attitude or if she's flipping out or she's spazzing out on her brothers or spazzing out on everybody. And then we'll get into like an argument in a way of, I don't know who you think you need talk to, but you lost your mind. Get it together. So I think what I'm hoping for her

she would take those moments away and understanding that my mom wasn't just upset with me just to be upset with me but trying to get me to understand that I need to control my emotions a little differently. ⁓ And I can't, I can be in my feelings but I don't have a right to take that on somebody else who didn't do anything to me. And that's something that she has a hard time understanding just like a perfect example today.

I brushed her hair. I thought she was upset with me because I was brushing her hair, but to come to find out, she was upset with her brother and she took it out on me. As in like, not telling me bye and just walking out the door and not really talking to me as I'm talking to her. And it was just like...

But it took for me to talk to her later. She's like, hi, how you doing? How you doing? And it was like, you want to talk to me now? What's going on? What happened? you good now? And then she went into the whole thing while I was upset because he did this and he said this and da da da da. And I said, okay, well then is that fair for you to take that out on me? Because I don't know what's going on with you. So I'm hoping as she grows up, she really understands that I cannot.

take whatever feelings I have out on another person that has nothing to do with them.

Kiara (58:26)
Well, life definitely doesn't get any easier just because we're grown. So as adults, we face our own level of challenges, career, relationships, and even raising our own kids. So, Kevelyn, how has the adulting struggle played a role in your current relationship with your mom? Has it brought you closer or created a new kind of tension?

Kevelyn (58:48)
would say that it's brought us closer because I get it now. It's hard, you know? And I feel like I lean on her more now in terms of like just support system because it's a lot. It's a lot in terms of, you know, trying to go through the struggles of

Kiara (59:06)
You

Kevelyn (59:14)
trying to figure out how to be the best mom, know, ⁓ answer these kids questions that are just difficult sometimes. ⁓ I lean on her and I talk to her a lot more than I feel like I would have as a teenager ⁓ because I get it now. It's struggle and it's real. ⁓ And I just feel like I get her struggles and the things that she had to go through as a kid.

a whole lot more now that I'm having to deal with my own. So yeah, I think so.

Kiara (59:52)
I that's beautiful.

I keep saying that, like honestly, my goodness, Nani's pretty awesome. Nani's pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. ⁓ Because yeah, no, I definitely feel, like you said, I understand things differently now as an adult. In my case, I would say, no, it definitely has not brought us closer. It did for a time. I definitely think.

Kevelyn (59:59)
She dope! She dope! I ain't gonna lie.

Kiara (1:00:16)
certainly right after, you know, my my then boyfriend now husband, we had took a bit of a break because we've been together since we were kids. And he really wasn't around for about nine months or so. Right. So around that time, my, my mom and I got decently close because she was just such a great help with the kids. Like, she was awesome. I had really young kids at that time.

one in like two, I think, almost three. And they were just, she watched them and she was there and she was awesome. And they had this whole, I didn't want them to feel the absence of their dad as much. So I really felt like she stepped up to the plate. The problem was that things did work out and we did decide to get back together and eventually get married ⁓ later on, obviously. But that was something that she struggled with.

Like that, that it was trying to understand what this new dynamic is. Like, yes, you're their grandma, but you're not their father. Like, I don't have to co-parent with you. And I found that that was a particularly difficult lesson and boundary to reinforce because I felt like it created a whole new level of tension because it becomes, well, this is my rule for my kid. And it's like, I have to fight.

Kevelyn (1:01:31)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kiara (1:01:45)
with you about the rule that I made for my kid. Now this is something that I'm sure plenty of people go through, because, you know, we all have our own views of how we're going to raise kids. And at that time, I think I was a lot less tolerant of things, and in some cases too tolerant of other things. And I think it caused its own level of chaos. But it also, I think, helped me see

Kevelyn (1:01:50)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kiara (1:02:13)
As I get older, the more and more I try to gain a perspective of the motives behind things. Because I feel like actions can be really painful, but a way to alleviate some of that is to try to understand the motivation behind it. Like again, I don't think she's a bad person. I don't think that she, I think she does love me the way that she does. I think she does love my children. ⁓ But I also think...

the level of potentially understanding how to demonstrate that is hard. That's a very hard thing. And when you go through trauma and other things throughout your life, it becomes difficult to express things the way you wish you could, or to be able to understand how your actions can lead to certain consequences, right? So I will say, like, I wish it had played a role to be different. ⁓

Kevelyn (1:03:03)
Yeah.

Kiara (1:03:08)
I don't even know that if I'm in the space now where I would be able to be open to anything different just because of all the kind of past ⁓ drama. ⁓

Kevelyn (1:03:21)
Yeah.

Kiara (1:03:21)
I'm hoping as, I had hoped that our relationship would get better as I got older because I feel like you live a little, you learn a little, and you're like, maybe this person isn't the worst person ever. And you want the best, you hope for the best. But I also think you have to make peace with certain situations. And I think I've found a happy medium where I am.

Kevelyn (1:03:30)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kiara (1:03:46)
Okay.

Kevelyn (1:03:46)
Perfect.

Tanesha (1:03:48)
tension is real. ⁓ Okay. Once again, mom, don't hate me. I love you, okay? This is my perspective. I think it does both.

Me and my mom are very close. ⁓ And her learning how to back up and let me live my life, I'm going to say, has been little bit of a challenge because she is a very hands-on grandma. And she pretty much has helped me raise her grandchildren. ⁓ And I'm very thankful for that because their relationship with their grandmother is amazing. ⁓ They love her down.

they will do anything for her and she'll do anything for them. No questions even if she don't got it. She don't got it, she will sit here and help because she knows I'm doing my absolute best to try to take care of them and raise them. So I will say that we still do have, we do sometimes have attention because she has to remember.

that I'm actually an adult and I'm making decisions as an adult that I feel like are best for me and for them. And sometimes that does raise a concern ⁓ where we do kind of argue a little bit and then I have to go back and apologize because I'm not trying to be disrespectful in any way or make her feel like I'm being disrespectful. But then she also has to remember that she has to

may fall back a little bit to actually let me be the parent or just her adult daughter that I think sometimes she has a hard time accepting because I am her baby, I am the last one and I'm her only girl so yeah.

Kiara (1:05:34)
You

Right.

I mean that's fair, I can definitely understand that. Like being an adult, it's hard because sometimes I think moms always see you as their babies, even though you're like...

Tanesha (1:05:54)
She definitely said that. She goes,

you're still my baby. And I'm like, I get that, Ma, because I feel the same way about my kids. But I'm also an adult. I just need you to remember I'm an adult. I'm an adult. I live in my own spot. I'm an adult. It is.

Kiara (1:06:11)
It's tough. I know that's tough.

Kiara (1:06:13)
But the theme of today's episode is really being grateful for the struggle, right? So it's not always easy to see in the moment and the hindsight is amazing and powerful. But what's one challenging aspect of your mother daughter relationship that you are now with distance and perspective, excuse me, grateful for?

Kevelyn (1:06:19)
Yes.

Yeah.

Kiara (1:06:38)
Good question. Well, I can answer this one. Let me go first on this one because I am, I think I am most grateful that my mom taught me to be resilient and to be a go-getter. ⁓ So I am not someone who like.

Kevelyn (1:06:39)
That was a good one, Yeah. Okay.

Hey.

Kiara (1:07:02)
life just happens to me. I like to be involved in the decision making. You what Like, I like to be the main character in my story, like I tell people. And so I am grateful that my mom has always been an entrepreneur, a go-getter, someone who makes things happen, and that now, ⁓ as a kid, I think it was hard to understand why she wasn't really around in some cases, like why there was no time to baby you and no time to kind of like coddle.

because she was working, you know what mean? She was working to support us and it's a very hard thing to do. And so with like distance and perspective, I'm super grateful that she did all of those things because I don't think I would have become the person I am now who is very much that way, able to keep going, able to work through the even most difficult things and able to be grateful for that struggle of saying

there's something on the other side that is maybe a little happier and a little bit more positive. But sometimes you gotta go through the storm. You gotta go through the hurricane, the tornado, and the tsunami. You gotta go through all of that before you can really see the other side of it. So it was challenging growing up with it, but as a grown woman, like, I get it. I can certainly make different choices and I can respect the need for making different choices.

Kevelyn (1:08:06)
Go cat.

Yes.

Kiara (1:08:27)
But I'm appreciative that she was able to do that because some moms are not, you know what mean? I never felt like I didn't have or that I lacked basic necessities.

Kevelyn (1:08:43)
Yeah. ⁓ this one's still pretty tough. I'm thinking in terms of something I'm grateful for now, like, I'm grateful that I learned to stand up for myself when it comes to situations that are not conducive to who you need to be in life.

A lot of the times as women we stay in situations that are ⁓ hard and are difficult and we stay for comfort, we stay for stability, we stay for a lot of different reasons. ⁓ But my mom kind of showed me that it's okay if you need to walk away from situations that are not good for you.

Kiara (1:09:17)
Yeah.

Alright, not serving you.

Kevelyn (1:09:38)
they're not serving you and that is probably something I didn't know. I know I didn't understand it as a kid. I was just like, what? This doesn't make sense. You you stay because you stay. There is no alternative. You you can't go do it on your own, stand on your own feet. no, we don't. You don't have to, right? But she showed me the power in

Kiara (1:09:52)
Right, because there is no alternative, duh.

We don't have to, so we don't do it.

Kevelyn (1:10:07)
being on your own if you have to. That's not everybody's story and you don't have to do that, but if it's a situation that you need to do that, you can do it. You're powerful, you are smart, you're intelligent, you have the ability, believe in yourself, trust God and do what you gotta do for you and your babies.

Kiara (1:10:27)
Right,

and you're a survivor above all else, so you gotta keep going.

Kevelyn (1:10:30)
At end of the day.

At the end of the day. And that woman, she ain't nothing else, she a survivor now. Yes. And so I, it was hard again as a, as a kid, but I get it so much more now as an adult.

Kiara (1:10:35)
That's right. That's right.

Yeah, I mean, ooh, this conversation is so raw. Ooh, girl.

Tanesha (1:10:53)
⁓ not me about to cry.

⁓ that in the end, my mom, ooh.

My mom is my best friend and my biggest cheerleader.

even with any idea I may have or... She may say certain things, you know, when it comes to like, if I'm caught in stuff and she'd like, well, can't you? Ma, it how it used to be back in the day where you could just like downgrade stuff. That's not how it is. Either you got it or you don't. Like I can't downgrade to a special plan where it's only 20. No, either I have it or I don't have it. It's not, they don't do that no more. And you know, sometimes she don't understand that, but...

Kiara (1:11:19)
Thanks.

They don't do that anymore.

Tanesha (1:11:33)
She definitely is ⁓ my biggest cheerleader. She cheers for me. She, ⁓ like I said, she watched the show even though she hears her daughter curse. ⁓ But, ⁓ so yeah, that's what I would say.

Kiara (1:11:51)
⁓ If you could give your mother one word of thanks for everything, including the struggles, what would it be and why?

Kevelyn (1:11:51)
Yeah.

Thank you for not giving up.

Kiara (1:12:04)
How you about to make me cry? ⁓

Kevelyn (1:12:05)
I'm gonna cry.

Kiara (1:12:09)
That's why we cry.

Kevelyn (1:12:11)
no, really like life was hard and she kept pushing and she kept going and she restarted as many times as she needed to and she is resilient and still here girl and kicking tail. Okay. It's taking names. ⁓ and just thank you for just being such a strong woman.

Kiara (1:12:32)
Yeah, yep.

Kevelyn (1:12:42)
heart.

Kiara (1:12:44)
It is. Oh, you're gonna make me cry. She's sorry. No, this is hard one.

Kevelyn (1:12:47)
you

Sorry.

Kiara (1:12:58)
Hmm. I think it's similar, right? Like...

I may not have understood, but I'm grateful that she loves me, that she does love me. That even I know that. If I know nothing else, if we don't get along, I know how much my mom loves me, and especially how much she loves my children. And so for me, I'm grateful for that. And similarly, her resilience, her ability to take care of us amidst anything and everything.

Kevelyn (1:13:09)
Yeah.

Kiara (1:13:33)
her impressive ability to overcome the impossible for teaching me a little, a little bit of a bittersweet truth that you can do anything. ⁓ I don't know if you should do everything, but that you can do everything, that you can do everything and you can be superwoman and you can magically create, you can create something out of nothing.

Kevelyn (1:13:48)
Yep.

Right.

Kiara (1:14:03)
over and over again and be an example, you know, to your kids. So that I am most grateful for. Because to this day, my mom stay looking good, smelling good, always. And she loves you, even if it's a little crazy. She does. And I'm grateful for that because no matter what, that's my mom. Yeah, we do only get one. You know what saying? And Lord, I have some questions over the years.

Kevelyn (1:14:13)
Okay.

Yeah.

That's right. We only get one. ⁓

Kiara (1:14:33)
But I'm sure, but I don't know that I would have become Kiara without the...

struggles along the way.

Kevelyn (1:14:42)
Yeah, I get that.

Tanesha (1:14:46)
Not the instant tear, like,

For loving me.

Kiara (1:14:53)
Now you're gonna get me. I tried.

Tanesha (1:14:58)
⁓

Kiara (1:15:00)
I made it through Kevelyn and here we go. Because she was ballin' too. No more of these episodes. I'ma just tell you. We're doin' no more. None of these.

Tanesha (1:15:07)
⁓

For loving me and loving my kids.

and trying her best and

and anything that she feels that she ⁓ may have not done the best for her trying to make it up with my kids.

Yeah.

Kiara (1:15:29)
I said, today is a deep episode today. We're going to be back with more fun next week because this was heavy.

Tanesha (1:15:37)
This is like, what, three?

It's three in a row?

Kiara (1:15:41)
Heavy, heavy, heavy. I'm do a countdown or something next week. Anyway, bye. Right. I mean, this episode got everybody. okay, so if you hung with us through this, first of all, you've seen Day to Night Shift, but I'll second you've also been through all the tears and the reflection and the...

Tanesha (1:15:44)
How many times have Tanesha cried?

Kiara (1:16:02)
in some cases sadness, little sadness too, some solemn moments as well. But we want to thank you for joining us. But we also want to remind you that this is your moment, if you haven't done it, to ⁓ hit that subscribe button, hit that bell on YouTube or on your favorite podcast network to follow our podcast. So you're first to get it when it drops. Not just this, but lots of videos and we have exclusive content on all of our channels. So we want to say that. We also want to remind you that

You can follow us.

TikTok and Facebook and Instagram and threads and X.

And also, you can follow us on our website, maineventmamaspodcast.com, where you can find all the videos that you may not see on your given day if you're on one of your channels and you didn't get it. You don't subscribe on all the channels. We also want to remind you, if you haven't noticed, that we recently launched our Facebook community, the Main Event Mamas Squad, where you can join and talk to us practically every day.

Tanesha (1:16:42)
Yep. huh.

Kiara (1:17:09)
and each other. It's a great support community. We created it in mind to help everyone get through. You don't have to be a mama. You don't have to be a female. You can come hang with us, talk to us, talk about wrestling, talk about life, even talk about your mamas like we did today. And absolutely give us feedback on our episodes. Was this your favorite? Are you over here praying that we hurry up and get through the episode? We hear you. We hear you. That's how I was feeling today. So there's definitely a lot.

With that, so Tanesha, where can they listen to us?

Tanesha (1:17:41)
Well, you guys know y'all can definitely hear us on iHeartRadio, on Pocket Podcasts, on Amazon Music, Amazon Audible, on Apple Podcasts, and of course, Spotify. You can listen to us or see our beautiful faces there, too. ⁓ and then also, you can follow us individually on Instagram. I'm Tanesha, underscore, mama pod.

Kiara (1:18:00)
You can't.

Tanesha (1:18:11)
Jesus. ⁓

Kiara (1:18:12)
I'm Kiara, MamaPod. And you can

find us on X, or rather me on X, because Tanesha said no X. And you can find me at Content Vixen Don't ask, I won't tell you. And most importantly, we want to announce officially that our first live stream is next Thursday. So stay tuned. Then you'll get more special guests, like this young lady right here.

Tanesha (1:18:35)
I know, I'm ready, I'm excited.

Yep.

Kiara (1:18:41)
if we don't know what'll happen. But expect a different, different vibe during that show. Is she trying to stab you? What is happening? Okay, okay. No murder on the TV. Like, no murder on the camera. Can't really do much. So with that, I want to say...

Tanesha (1:18:49)
know what she was trying to do but you know.

I don't know.

We want to say

that we're not.

Kiara (1:19:05)
New to this.

Tanesha (1:19:06)
We're so true to this and this is Main Event Mamas.

Kiara (1:19:10)
Woop woop! Bye!

Tanesha (1:19:13)
Bye! Bye!