Main Event Mamas Episode 32: Lessons Learned: The Power of Failure

Kiara (00:05)
I'm Kiara.

Tanesha (00:06)
And I'm Tanesha ⁓

Kevelyn (00:08)
and I'm Kevelyn

Tanesha (00:10)
And you're now entering the sister chat. Welcome to Main Event Mamas. Ow, clock it.

Kiara (00:18)
Well, I can't.

That's new this week. Still no sound effects for me because we're still recovering. But I just want to thank you for joining us this week because we're going to unpack some fun stuff. Deeply fun, of course, during our parenting and adulting episode this week. So I'm going to start with.

our week was but before we do that this is your opportunity to hit that subscribe button so you're the first to know when our content drops drops something and you get a chance to see the bloopers real time apparently and ⁓ Kevelyn we'll start with you she's joining us again this week super psyched how was your week last week

Kevelyn (01:04)
It has been a very very busy week. The kids obviously went back to school and it's been a journey in terms of my own personal things I have going on. So it's been fun. I have my little one here with me, Liliana, and she always makes it a very fun time for mommy while mommy trying to work. But you know.

Kiara (01:31)
Always.

Kevelyn (01:33)
⁓ But no, she's she's fun and not out I went and traded for the world. So it's been it's been interesting. How you guys

Kiara (01:43)
How's your week?

Tanesha (01:44)
Well,

I mean, it's been a chaotic. My kids are back at school until next week. So trying to get everybody's things on a budget. It's a little... ⁓

Kiara (01:57)
Challenging? Stressful?

Tanesha (01:58)
Yeah, I was thinking of the words. yeah,

yeah, yeah. But you know, so far everybody's gotten what they need. I mean, granted, there are some things that I want to get. You know, we still gotta go food shopping. So you know, that's gonna be fun next week. When everyone else is doing food shopping next week. So it's gonna be fun in New York. Yeah, yeah. How's yours?

Kiara (02:17)
Mm.

Yeah, that doesn't sound... I'm

just gonna tell you, that don't sound fun. ⁓

Tanesha (02:28)
Nah, not really. Long lines are not fun.

Kiara (02:31)
My week has

been pretty similar. Kids started back again this week so it was a crazy crazy week. Still recovering from pneumonia so that sucks. My voice still doesn't want to sing. I miss singing. It makes me really really sad. I just want to point that out. That I can't sing any songs. I can't sing any K-pop. I didn't realize how much of a musical family I had until I can't join in.

Little tear here, little tear.

Tanesha (03:01)
I'm about to say, how do you

not know? We are all musical.

Kiara (03:04)
I

know, but I guess I just didn't realize how musical my kids were just by themselves, right? you know, we had that, we had Mom's Hair Studio was open last week in the midst of us recovering. We caught a ton of wrestling. And then recently we had the fun and the privilege of hosting Culture Clash's monthly episode where we got to talk about female empowerment. that was probably my semi-favorite part.

Tanesha (03:08)
⁓ okay, okay,

Kiara (03:33)
The other part would be kind of just like sleep upstairs because my AC was fixed. So it was lot of a week. mean, like my AC, the people who came to fix it broke the other one. So then we had no AC for a whole day. Like, you know, it reminds me why I'm not quite ready for home ownership because I don't want the responsibility of dealing with that. But I also didn't appreciate how long my property management took to fix it. So, yeah.

Tanesha (03:40)
That's the plus.

Kiara (04:02)
Speaking of that and their failure. Yes, you can.

Tanesha (04:05)
Wait, I'm about say, can I chime in real quick before you get into the clip?

I just want to say, speaking about women empowerment.

Do you see these two delicious people next to me? Just saying. Okay, they have managed. They are, we got Kiara over here who is an entrepreneur on top of being a podcast producer on top of the many other things she does. Okay, that's chocolate drop. Okay, then we got my, Kevelyn over here. Okay, who's an entrepreneur.

who was kicking a, well, whatever. Something's behind, right? I can't tell y'all what it is, it's a secret. And then, uh.

Kiara (04:51)
Or might not be after this episode. I mean...

Jesus. ⁓

Tanesha (04:59)
bad. ⁓

Kevelyn (05:00)
Yeah.

Tanesha (05:02)
And still sitting here being mom and dealing with all her personal things on top of, like I said, being entrepreneur and that's who I call Carmel. So we've got chocolate drop and Carmel over here. As we sit here and talk about women empowerment, they empower me. All right, now let's talk about failure.

Kiara (05:13)
you

Aww.

Tanesha (05:24)
Ha

Kevelyn (05:26)
That was super

Kiara (05:28)
Okay, yeah, like she mentioned, we are going to talk. We're gonna talk about failure, but not the failure of my property management company, because that's a whole nother episode and we could be here for the next, I don't know, two, three years. But we're gonna talk about something related to failure and why it's a really good lesson for both kids and ourselves. Like that's a situation we can find ourselves in on any given day, right?

Tanesha (05:30)
Okay.

Kiara (05:53)
And I think it's one of the things that is a struggle from both an adult and a kid perspective. As a kid, it's really hard to even imagine, you know, failing or even like, there's a bit of fear and trepidation around it, I think. But I also think some of that continues as you get older and as you go into adulthood and even beyond, right? So I think that there's a lot to consider from both perspectives when it deals with failure and growth as a result of it.

This topic became kind of important to me ⁓ out of a conversation with my therapist actually where she asked me about failure and it got to me thinking about the conversation I had with my father about it, which we'll talk about in a little bit. We don't have to get into that right now. It's a preview, but also how it affects my life and how I teach my kids and then how they maneuver in their worlds too. And then as adults, kind of the things that we've seen as

failures as moms and whether that's actually a failure or not or just kind of a lesson, which I think is important for us to learn. before we get into the kids and the adults of it all, I have a question for you ladies. And it is, what's a recent failure you've experienced, big or small, and how did it feel in the moment?

Tanesha (07:18)
Before we answer that question, I'd like to remind you guys, if you haven't already, to subscribe. Click that bell so you can be the first to know when our episodes come out, or any bloopers come out, or any shorts come out. You never know. You want to be the first to know. OK, so now that we got that over, let's go ahead talk about your question.

Kiara (07:20)
Okay.

She's right.

while we have Kevelyn start.

Kevelyn (07:42)
just knew I was gonna start this. I knew it. And honestly, I'll go big, because we haven't talked much about me or my life. So. ⁓

Tanesha (07:43)
Pheww!

Kiara (07:47)
fries.

Willie got lots to say.

Tanesha (07:59)
But she's singing so I'm like,

baby, sing it up. Help, help, help mommy. Help her with the story.

Kevelyn (08:04)
Yes, Lily

is gonna talk her whole, my whole time talking. She's gonna talk.

Tanesha (08:09)
It's okay.

Kiara (08:09)
It's okay.

Tanesha (08:11)
Hello, we're not mamas for no reason. Let's go.

Kiara (08:13)
We're

not.

Kevelyn (08:15)
Okay so a failure of mine that's pretty big for me. I got divorced recently and that was heavy heavy heavy heavy and honestly

Tanesha (08:25)
Okay.

Kevelyn (08:33)
For someone that grew up where you try to save your marriage at all costs and you just deal with all of the punches and you stay regardless of whatever, it was hard to walk away. ⁓ And so I think that's very typical of just how I personally grew up. People just stay.

in situations that may not necessarily be conducive to a, I don't want to say a proper like marriage because I mean, who's in a healthy marriage, healthy relationship. they just stay regardless, you know, you stay for the kids, you stay for stability, you stay for all these different reasons. when honestly it could be really detrimental, ⁓ to you personally, ⁓ and to your kids depending on the situation. So.

Kiara (09:08)
healthy life maybe.

Kevelyn (09:29)
I would say that's probably the biggest that I've dealt with in a long time. And honestly, it was hard. It was very hard, very difficult. Still working through some things, ⁓ obviously, but if I had to recount something that's personal, but something I'm willing to share, that would be it.

Kiara (09:52)
Well, how did it feel in the moment?

Kevelyn (09:55)
You said, how did it feel?

Kiara (09:57)
Yes.

Kevelyn (09:58)
What's that?

Kiara (10:02)
I knew you were gonna say that, yeah. It sucks. That's fair. I mean, I'm not, I mean, honestly, that's what I was thinking you would say, but.

Kevelyn (10:03)
⁓ who wants to get divorced?

Yeah, nobody wants, no, nobody sets out to get divorced when you, you know, you literally plan your whole life with somebody. ⁓ You know, we did a whole lot together over a 13 year span. ⁓ So, and a whole lot of plans, a whole lot of accomplishments, a whole lot of great things, but some not so good things too. So it sucks. I ain't gonna lie. But ⁓ that's real, right?

Kiara (10:13)
That's fair.

I think that's fair.

Kevelyn (10:41)
⁓ But I honestly do feel like eventually it'll be alright in terms of my own personal mental about it. That'd be good.

Kiara (10:54)
Okay, all right, Nisha.

Tanesha (10:55)
me over

here tearing up trying not to cry on this camera because you know.

Kiara (10:58)
Okay, we're

gonna be over here. I don't know if it's gonna be a video podcast this week. It might be audio, y'all. So if it's audio, you know why. We didn't quite get out the tears. They just overflowed.

Tanesha (11:11)
No, because I mean, that was tough. And I'm feeling from my sister, because she has to say that out loud. So I was feeling that. That's all. That was, I'm just saying. Because we were apart. We seen her do things and was quiet. So yeah, to have her actually say it out loud, that made me a little teary.

Kiara (11:21)
Yeah.

make me start.

Tanesha (11:40)
trying not to cry right now. That's all I'm doing. I'm just chilling. You may have to ask me the question because I don't remember it because I'm emotional.

Kiara (11:47)
Well, the question was.

What a recent failure, quote unquote, you've experienced, big or small, and how did it feel in the moment?

Tanesha (12:06)
I mean, I guess I'll talk about today, Because to me, that felt like a failure. yeah, we're probably going to go audio. Because I don't know, because the tears are about to come, and I can't stop them. I'm trying. But.

Kiara (12:19)
So this may

be our first animated episode and I'm not sorry. Go ahead.

Tanesha (12:22)
Yeah. ⁓

Today, getting rejected from a job that I really thought I was gonna get. ⁓ So that hurt and it made me question myself. ⁓ It made me question, am I really cut out for this? ⁓ What am I gonna do? ⁓ I failed again. ⁓ It's one of those.

Yeah, it really, it hurt. And normally jobs, me getting rejected from jobs don't hurt me. But this one hurt me. And I think it's just because of all the stuff that I'm dealing with and that's been compounding as well. I needed this, you know, I needed this job. And from the interview, it...

You know, it sounded like I was a golden ticket. It sounded like I was everything that they wanted and they was gonna take a chance on the risk on me to lead. And to kind of read that, was kind of heartbreaking and unfortunately.

My 10 year old saw the email, cause he saw my whole body shift after I read it, cause he was in here with me. And then his body shifted cause now he's like, I don't understand. You're amazing. What do you mean you didn't fit the role, ma? But he's my biggest cheerleader. He will promote me in any ways. So that was also hurtful because it's like, you know, my kid looks at me in one way. No, I'm not perfect, but still it's like.

Really, they rejected you? That's kinda crazy. ⁓ And watched me transform. So it was a rough day ⁓ today. So that would be something I consider was a failure.

Kiara (14:17)
How did it feel in the moment?

Tanesha (14:18)
like shit.

Kiara (14:19)
Not great, yeah, not great. Like, shit. I mean, that's fair. That's fair. ⁓ Thank you both for sharing that, because I know those are hard, hard failures. I'm trying to think of one right now. ⁓

because I think this is one of my issues is I consider a lot of things failures that many other people may not, you know? So I will say failure for me is like one of the things I always pride myself on is being ahead of the game when it comes to like getting my kids ready for school, when it comes to like preparing them for things, when it comes to getting all of their school supplies. And I got sick, really sick. And that's...

I haven't gotten sick in over three years. Like that's not even a thing that has entered my world for so long. And so as I was, so this year I couldn't do any of that. I couldn't, I didn't even leave the house. Like my husband pretty much had me on house arrest because he's like, you need to heal, which meant no talking and no moving and no anything. And that was really hard for me. So I feel like I failed in preparing them for school. So in that sense, like,

I wait till last minute to do hair and to do clothes shopping at the very, very last minute. So that was tough. Typically I prepare, I have all their measurements and I know what to get and I just grab the stuff because we're not in a school system that requires uniforms or anything. I go buy them new sneakers. Like it's a whole thing. Yeah, I couldn't do any of that. One, because I was ill. Two, because there was truly no money. Like...

I don't know what happened between last year and this year, but I feel like I have failed financially, which is kind of crazy ⁓ to me because I can't quite figure out what led to it. Like I don't spend a ton of money. I barely leave the house, so I don't quite get it right now. So I think, and in that moment, it made me really, really sad.

to be honest. I was pretty distraught thinking about their first day of school. I was able to do the bare minimum. I was able to get them at least, know. Xander, it took me, I took Xander shopping, think he got like seven outfits. But as I was shopping, I realized that he had been asking for clothes for like six months and I hadn't done anything about it.

And so that I consider also like a failure. Like I wasn't on top of the stuff that I'm always on top of. Like I always somehow managed to do in the impossible and I just could not. ⁓ And this is the first time that it hit me like you really can't. There's nothing you can do. There's no way around this. You can't hustle your way into this. You literally have to sit in this bed and heal. And I dragged myself out of bed to take them shopping.

but it still wasn't what I would have normally done. So I feel like in that moment, I felt very sad and very overwhelmed ⁓ because I also felt like I let you guys down by not being able to do the podcast. You know what mean? Like, I just couldn't do anything. And that's a hard thing for me to sit still and do nothing. And I consider that a failure in a lot of ways. So yeah.

I was like, can say I can't relate, obviously I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So I take failure hard. Very, very hard and very, very heavy. Which kind of takes us to our next question because, Kev, you touched on this a little bit. Kevelyn, sorry, you touched on this a little bit. How do you think our relationship with failure has been shaped by our own parents or upbringing? Because I think this is an interesting, like,

dynamic to get to? You got a drink? That's answer to question.

Tanesha (18:29)
It's milk, but I wish it was someone

else, because that was that you got all three of us on here to talk about.

Kiara (18:35)
I know, but I also think there's something to unpack here because we each have different moms, right? So even though we share a dad, we each has different moms.

Who wants to start this time? Do I want to go Tanesha first or Kevelyn first? Who's going to do it?

Tanesha (18:52)
Well, you... I'm about say,

technically, you asked Kavi first. Oh! I mean...

Kiara (18:56)
I know.

Kevelyn (18:57)
She did. It's fine. It's alright.

Kiara (18:59)
I'm sorry, again,

this happens with the sickness. I forget what I just said.

Tanesha (19:03)
It's okay, it's okay. Do you want it?

Kevelyn (19:03)
So, ⁓

man, in terms of, I feel like failure is a big deal, probably to all of us. ⁓ And I think that when you grew up like, well, with our dad, can't, you know, I'll speak for our dad. When you grow up with him.

⁓ You win by all the means necessary and you don't stop until you do. Failure is not an option. Excellence is the only solution. That's it. There is no other solution. I was definitely the, speaking for myself, bringing home a B was like the worst thing in the world.

Kiara (19:47)
what she said.

Kevelyn (20:03)
It was, yeah. So ⁓ obviously we hold ourselves to a higher standard of living just from that thought process that, you know, you can't fail. Fail? What? Don't do that. And I mean, even if you do fail, you better get yourself right back up, suck it up, and keep going. ⁓ So I think that...

Kiara (20:22)
Yeah.

Kevelyn (20:32)
that type of thought process just from me personally made this that much more difficult ⁓ and probably why it had the effect that it had on me.

Kiara (20:48)
and definitely resonate with them.

Tanesha (20:50)
See, that's the problem. See, dad, like he had me to a standard, but if I got a B, that was good. Now I'm not saying I'm, okay, let me bring this. I'm very highly intelligent. However, however, when it comes to school,

Kiara (21:00)
You

Kevelyn (21:04)
Yes you are.

Tanesha (21:11)
I'm lazy. I don't like doing my work. But if you ask me a verbal question, I can answer it for you. But you want me to like really do the tests and stuff? Yeah. Like I gotta, you know. I'm not, yeah. But I guess with dad, for me,

I learned the relationship aspect of it. So as in like, love hard and you fight and you keep going. And he'd be like, okay, I'm going to fight. And that's why I stayed in a marriage for as long as I did until I couldn't be in that marriage no more. But. ⁓

That wasn't an option in that regards or even two, guess two he did. I guess when I moved down there, dad did have me to a standard of making sure I passed my classes and things of that nature. And what do you mean? You sit down, do your homework and stop that nonsense. Okay. And I was 21. So it it wasn't one of those like, yeah, I'm going to go wait. No, no, no. Sit down. Do your homework. Everybody's at the table doing your homework. I used to do my homework with Kevelyn.

Do your homework. Okay. And then it'll be when they didn't have no homework, like, y'all don't got no homework? So who's gonna set the table with me? And dad was like, you're gonna set the table by yourself. So I'm like, dang y'all. Because he did have, mean, granted he did have that standard of no, we don't fail. We are who we are. And that's not how I bred y'all. I didn't breed y'all to fail. And y'all not gonna fail.

But I feel ⁓ like sometimes as a parent or even for him, maybe that was overcompensation for what he felt like he may have failed at. And he was pushing that on us in regards to that. But yeah, that was my take on dad.

Kiara (23:14)
Yeah, that's crazy. I see both sides of that, which I mean, I guess it's not crazy because we're siblings, but my relationship with failure, so negative. I don't fail. I think that's it. I had a conversation with my therapist and I was like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Like you don't fail. And I think my relationship with dad on that aspect is complicated in that again, we were taught that we were the head and not the tail.

We were bred from royalty. We're not the bottom. We don't belong there. And so you always rise to the top, right? So failure was not a thing. And it was something I didn't, I didn't struggle with school. Always A's, so that wasn't it. But my A minuses would get me a lecture because I was, I could do better than A minus according to my father. And even my mother at a time or two, like, excuse me, why do you have an A minus? I'm like, are you serious?

Especially when some of my siblings were able to skate by with bees in seats. It was like, nope, you don't get to do that. And then one way it made me, it singled me out in some ways. Cause it made me feel a little lonely there because it was like, know, Tanesha, you and our brother, y'all got a little leeway, right? But I didn't, I didn't get it. And I wasn't going to get it. There was no, there was no like,

listen, I understand you tried your best. That was not it. I didn't get any of those conversations. It was more like, I remember I failed band, but it was because of the band teacher who was a racist. We're just gonna say that. But anyway, and I remember dad getting my report card and my mom, I think this was in middle school. No, it was my first year of high school. Crazy, crazy work. First year of high school.

And he was like, he drove all the way from Massachusetts to Connecticut to talk to my teacher. Because he was like, nope. at first he tried to, you know, he was on me and I was like, it's not my fault. You talk to a teacher. And then he, he really, I mean, he scared the bejesus out of that man. ⁓ but to the point where I was able to get like, I think I got a C and then I got out his class. ⁓ but.

In every aspect, I had the same feeling. From a relationship aspect, I've been with my husband 20 plus years because we just couldn't fail. We just couldn't. And we weren't even married. We just couldn't fail. That was not a option. So I can see both sides of it. But it's interesting to me because I think I have that same thought on my mom's side. Failure is not an option. You don't get to stop and give up. There's no giving up.

There's always a way and that's what I was taught. But I also think sometimes that is not the best way to go about things because there is a beauty in failure that I didn't get a chance to learn until I was much older. Certainly until I started college. The first time I failed was like, I thought I was gonna have like, conniptions. Like I didn't know what I was gonna do. Like I remember crying and crying and crying because

my first semester in college I got a C and I knew what to do with my life. I was like, who am I? I had like a whole identity crisis. And I don't know what dad said about that. Like I can't quite remember. We might not have been talking about grades at that time because I may not have told them. I might've just kept it real brief about like the GPA and overall instead of talking about that particular class. But I didn't know how to handle failure because

had never been allowed to do it.

⁓ I kind of appreciate everybody sharing that again. Another really raw and kind of vulnerable conversation. But now we're going to talk more about what we want to teach our kids about failure. Because I think, like I said, even though our parents taught us about failure, I'm not sure necessarily that it was the right messaging as I struggled with even the concept kind of later in life. So I want to ask you about how you respond to your kids in this way.

How do you respond when your child fails at something they've tried, whether it's a test, a sports game, or creative project?

Tanesha (27:53)
I'll go. ⁓ I pretty much asked them if they tried their best. ⁓ There's no secret, ⁓ each one of my children, they're all highly intelligent. However, they do have different type of disabilities, ⁓ especially my oldest. And for him, I'd be like, did you try?

Did you really try? Did you really put your effort into it? And if he tells me yes, and he still may have failed or he may like, okay, well, we're gonna try a little bit harder, because I know you can pull it up a little bit, but we'll do something different. When it comes to the other three, I do feel like I do have my daughter as a higher.

because she's always been a high achiever, like her aunts. ⁓ So I do kind of like, what's this? But I'm one of those parents that's very in tune. I'm very active in their school. I'm someone who talks to their teachers. I'm someone who really try to understand what they're doing, how they're doing it, because it's safe to say school is not how it was when we were growing up. And the math that we learned.

It's not the math that they are learning. No, when I gotta do chat GBT to try to figure out the answer, you know, you know it went too far. And we like, what? And then, know, when they say, you know, we've seen the stories, but we know we have those too. well, I'm gonna show you how to do this, but that's not how my teacher did it, Do you wanna know how to do this or not? Do you want to know the answer? Or do you wanna sit here and be frustrated? Which one do you want? Cause I'm trying to help you.

with a different formula and method that got us all through school perfectly fine. Okay? That's true. But that's the other thing. I, I, I, right. So that's where for me, I do try to ask them, did you try your best? And then I do ask, well, if you didn't try your best, what can we do to do a little bit different? ⁓

Kiara (29:48)
They don't learn it like we do,

Or did, sorry, passed.

Tanesha (30:09)
And sometimes even getting the support they need. Sometimes it could just be the understanding. Sometimes it could be they don't understand exactly how you're saying it. And understanding that every child learns different. I think back then too, everyone thought we all learned the same. Which has everyone at higher standard.

Kiara (30:24)
Yes.

Tanesha (30:29)
I think with me understanding that everyone learns different, especially including me. I'm a visual learner. And if you can give me diagrams and all that stuff, I will pick that up in five seconds. You want me to read three pages to give you an answer? No, don't get me wrong. I like to read. But if it's boring, I tune out by the first three sentences. And then it'll be like, you want me to continue reading? I'm just going to guess. I'm going do ABC. Amy, my emo.

Kiara (30:57)
Not bad.

Tanesha (30:58)
can't just talk about

yourself. You know what saying? That's what I do when it becomes too complicated. But what I do with my kids, I definitely just try to encourage them. ⁓ I do sit down with them, do their homework if they need to. Also, maybe try and get the extra support. ⁓

And just letting him know it okay, especially with the youngest. He plays sports. And you know, he played basketball this year. And you know, sometimes he got a little defeated because they were teaching him skills that he didn't know yet. And he was like, I can't do this. And I'm like, you can, you just gotta practice. So sometimes we have to sit here and just keep encouraging them. And I think sometimes certain parents forget that. They just have the standard of,

you're gonna do this and if you ain't gonna do it right, we're gonna have a problem. And sometimes that's not the approach. I mean, for me, for my kids, ain't their approach. I don't do that even if their father tries. Now this may be undermining, but I'd be like, no.

We ain't gonna talk to them that way. That's that, like, we have to understand that everybody learns different and it's okay to have a high achievement. Like, I expect, like, my daughter to be a valedictorian and stuff like that. I expect her to do that. But if she don't, I'm not gonna be like, I'm so disappointed in you. No, it's just what it is.

Kiara (32:21)
Okay. What do think, Kevelyn

Kevelyn (32:23)
I can understand where Tanesha's coming from. ⁓ I think it's important to show grace, which I think that... ⁓ I wouldn't say that we necessarily got that. It was more or less like, you either do it or it's your behind. ⁓

Kiara (32:45)
That's right there. There was no or. It was

just you will because you don't want the other alternative.

Kevelyn (32:52)
Period. Period.

But honestly, I'll be honest, that's something I had to learn as a parent. Because at first, as a young parent, I feel like I resorted to what I knew. ⁓ So I had to learn that that wasn't the right way to go about trying to get your kids to accomplish things. ⁓

And in terms of like their schoolwork and such, like I had to just get in the trenches with them, do their homework with them. If they were struggling, take the time out of my day to sit there and figure it out with them. Because I feel like when they feel like you are interested in what they're doing, and when they feel like you're not just going to yell at them, you're not just going to reprimand them if they don't get it right, I feel like they try harder because they're like, you know what?

Mommy and daddy actually believe in me. They actually are here trying to help me. ⁓ And I feel like it just pushes them the extra mile to just try a little harder. Maybe they don't understand it. Maybe this is over their head. Maybe they may have a learning disability or what have you, and we haven't figured it out yet. There's a lot of different reasons why kids struggle. ⁓ And I think that... ⁓

Before we as parents resort to just reprimanding them and disciplining them to try to get them to accomplish something, we just need to take the time to try to figure it out with them. ⁓ Which I feel like I've grown into the older I've gotten.

Tanesha (34:30)
I'm gonna say the patience, having the patience. That's what some people don't have. They don't have the patience. Or even sometimes the teachers, unfortunately, don't have the patience. They have to keep moving on to the next thing and they can't keep coming back and telling Johnny ⁓ the same thing over and over again if they explained it. So yeah, I think that's what's lacking too with the failure, just not having the patience with people.

Kiara (34:51)
Yeah,

so I'm gonna definitely echo a little bit of both of the things you said. First of all, I am the one who doesn't have a patience. Like I can't sit there with you for an hour. just, I can't do that. And I had to learn that. Like I had to, that was my failure for me to know that that's not a skillset that I can have. And like, for instance, like my son takes after me. Quick witted, easy to.

catch on to school even beyond me sometimes. I'm like, I don't know how he figured that out. Cause I told him he's my partner if we're going on a game show, because clearly between the two of us, we gonna figure it out. But there's just a, I tried to explain it to him like, there's a different way that we process information than the way say my husband and my daughter process it. They're more tactile. They want to touch it. They want to see it.

Tanesha (35:30)
Thank you.

Kiara (35:47)
Now, granted, I am a visual learner, but I'm also someone who can, you can tell it to me. And I learned multiple ways. So as when I was younger, certainly because I had a kid at like 20, 22, right? No, I sucked at that. Like I sucked at trying to like help them understand like things and teach them things. Because to me, like you said, Kevelyn, I went with what I knew. Like I didn't, I didn't get the.

I understand what you're going through. Let's work through it. It was like, you will figure this out. Which in some ways I think is super helpful in that as an adult, I'm hella resourceful. But in some ways I feel like it's not the best because when do you recognize that you can't do it and need to ask for help, right? So as I got older, I learned to like pivot and it's like the older I got, the more I understood

Again, the things that you said, there are different learning styles. There are different ways that people process information. There's different ways that they're going to deal with that information. And they're also, maybe their teacher is not getting them. You know what mean? Like I've even had teachers for them that just didn't take the time to do it. Especially like, I will say during that COVID years, my God, I...

Tanesha (37:06)
Don't get

started on COVID.

Kiara (37:10)
thought I was gonna have

a culinary, okay, because oof, I am not a teacher. I am many things, but I am not a teacher. And I admittedly, at 100%, I cannot teach young children because I do not have that natural patience that you need to have with them. Older kids, I can challenge you. I can get you to a place. But I also feel like, like I said a little bit, sometimes when people give you a higher standard,

you're going to try to meet that higher standard. So I think we walk the line between enabling them to reach their full potential, like pushing you past your boundaries a little bit, or understanding what those boundaries are for the kids. Like what are those limits? And I think that's the complicated thing for me because I knew like my son could like reach past the stars if I pushed him.

Like he's doing calculus right now. And I was like, I know he hates me so much this year. But I'm like, your intellect is something else. And if you don't challenge it, you're just going to be bored. Whereas my daughter, I'm like, no, we can just settle at math four. you know what mean? Like you don't even have, I was like, if we can get her to Math three and she does well with that, then we're fine. Because that's just a struggle for her. But at the same time, I would argue she's brilliant in the kitchen.

Tanesha (38:19)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (38:37)
She's brilliant with the arts. The boy child, he don't want none. He don't want to do it. So I think as a parent, I've been able to navigate trying to figure out the different approaches for what they need. And I feel like you get better as you get older, as you grow, as long as you allow yourself to grow. That's why I'm like, maybe our parents didn't do that a little, to see where things changed a little bit.

versus I didn't want to do my homework, I didn't want to pass that test, versus I couldn't, like I didn't understand the concept. And I didn't feel safe enough to come to you and explain that I didn't understand the concept, because you were not going to hear that. You were going to be like, well, they explained it to you, why don't you know? And then you weren't going to take that next step to say, okay, well, if I can't understand it and you can't understand it, then let's go to your teacher.

You know what mean? So I feel like my approach has evolved over the years, certainly from when they were in kindergarten and even before till now as teenagers. But I also think a lot of it came from our background. And so it was hard. I just think people don't take into account the difficulties of teaching your children patterns that you don't know or you were not clear on. And that's why I think it's important to always keep learning.

Always keep exposing yourself to something new because I'm not telling you to change who you are, but I am asking you to maybe open up your mind a little to see if maybe your way isn't the only way, which was not how we were. That was not how we were parented. And still not from my living mom. Her way is the only way all the time, every time. So that's that So thank you again. Like again, I know this is hard, but I appreciate you guys.

rolling with me. So what I want to, speaking of what I just talked about, is having that growth mindset, right? So how do we encourage our children to kind of embrace effort and learning over just achieving a positive outcome, right? So what phrases or actions can you use to reinforce that kind of growth mindset, understanding that maybe it's not failure or success. It might be somewhere in the middle.

Or maybe it's not true success, but it's success for you based on this, this, and this that you've learned and grown along the way. So I'd love to know your thoughts on that.

Tanesha (41:14)
You wanna go?

Kevelyn (41:14)
I guess I

can start, yeah. I think for me, ⁓ just having a range of children at different ages, I think for my older daughter, ⁓ it was kind of easier to just be like, well, what did you learn from this situation? Because she could articulate. Maybe not my younger kids just yet. ⁓

But you want them to understand that in failing, there is a learning experience, right? ⁓ It's something that you can build upon. I know you said that your question was in ⁓ terms of effort, but I guess my standpoint is you're gonna fail at sometimes, right? But I think that understanding why you failed,

how you can do things differently, what you can learn from it so that you do better next time can help with effort. Because if you don't know why you failed, or if you don't know the game plan on how to get better, the effort really, you're not gonna put forth the effort because you don't know how to get better. So just kinda speaking from, I mean, she's about to be 18, so it's a little easier with her than it is with the younger kids. But I think she could articulate that a little bit more.

⁓ But I'm still trying to figure that out in terms of obviously you encourage your younger kids You know you can do it. You know mommy's here with you. I'll work with you You know just letting them know that they're not by themselves I know I said that already Sort of but I think that's so important because I feel like kids feel isolated sometimes When it comes to not understanding topics, especially school ⁓ It gets hard

for these kids and when they feel like you're just gonna be upset with them or you're not gonna understand or you're just gonna, they're just gonna get in trouble, they shut down. ⁓ And the effort stops because I'm gonna get in trouble anyway. So what's the point? Right, but when they, I think when you take yourself out of that mindset of, well, they just have to do because they have to do because excellence is the only option.

Kiara (43:22)
Why do the hard work?

Tanesha (43:24)
Mm-hmm.

Kevelyn (43:37)
when you just understand that they might not always hit the mark, but at least they're trying. ⁓ I had to get to the point where I understood that. And I think that helps with effort.

Kiara (43:51)
Yeah, I definitely think it does. I think Tiesha.

Tanesha (43:56)
So, for me...

Especially, I have, So to like learn.

Everybody, like I said before, everyone learns different. Everybody has a different, I have different standards for everyone when it comes to learning because each one of them learns different. So I can't keep them on the same standard. And it did take me a second to understand I can't have everybody on the same standard and I didn't want to be the parent that went, well, so-and-so can do it. Why can't you do it? Like, you know, I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want to be on that because I've definitely heard that. And I've definitely had that on me, especially when it came to y'all. Like, y'all can do it.

Why can't I do it? Why can't I be getting these A's? And I'd be I be trying sometimes, you know, but I don't know why I can't get it. So I think for me and my understanding of failure and learning, I try to separate and I learn their cues when they're over, what's the word? Overwhelmed.

Kiara (45:01)
overwhelmed.

Tanesha (45:01)
Yes, overwhelmed when they are, well you can tell they are not taking nothing else in. They're just like, I don't know what you're talking. And whereas like, it doesn't matter what I say, don't matter what I do, you're not gonna receive what I'm saying to you. So now I have to do a different approach. And the best way I can explain it is my 10 year old, right? My 10 year old, when he's someone who's like, no, I gotta get this done. Like it needs to be done tonight. I can't do it. But then he will start whining.

Crying, getting frustrated, getting overwhelmed, getting all this just because he has to do it. He needs to finish. To where I'd be like, hey, you know, I appreciate that you want to finish your work. I commend you. like that. applaud you because you want to get it done. But right now, you're not seeing and understanding what needs to get done. You're still getting frustrated because you're not understanding right now because you're tired. You need a moment. And you know what? It's okay.

in the morning. You get up early, get up early and we gonna finish it in the morning. Because I was definitely one of those people, I fell asleep in my homework, I'm gonna finish it in the morning because I can't wreck my brain anymore trying to figure it out and when you're tired you can't figure nothing out while you're tired. ⁓ So I did that approach with him.

Same thing with my daughter. She started this year, I think also because of puberty and for her and the hormones and all these different things playing a part with her in her learning where it was like, I love you, but you need to take a moment. Put that away. that down. Go over there. Go like, let that be.

She wouldn't be at the extent of like I'm crying or whatever, but she would get angry because I know this and I don't understand why I can't finish it.

And they'd be like, yeah, we're going to do that in the morning too. You know, know. ⁓ And then I also realized too, the kids follow each other because in the youngest one he does the same. He gets so frustrated and he starts crying. I'm like, OK, we're going to put this down. Because also it's not just about schoolwork. It's that they're playing a video game and they're trying and they're really passionate about it and they can't get it. And they don't understand why they can't beat this level versus when we used to play video games, we can't beat the level.

I tried again later. Them, they're like, well, well, I did. I'm about say, well, I know I did. But then again, I also played Grand Theft Auto just so could stab people. it was...

Kiara (47:24)
Not me. Not me. That's why I didn't play video games like that.

Tanesha (47:35)
Sorry. Anyway. Well, since whatever, that's different. That's different. That's not what my kids play. My kids don't play that.

Kiara (47:37)
Well, that was...

I prayed Grand Theft

Auto so I could do the police chases.

Kevelyn (47:49)
Me too.

Tanesha (47:50)
No, just, I used to suck at driving. I just saw, just run around and just start punching and stabbing people just because. That was my therapy for, listen, that was also my therapy for when I had a rough day and people, I, you know, road rage and I can't just get out the car and, you know, so this is how I got, it was legal. It's a video game.

Kiara (47:51)
sorry.

father let us play this. don't understand.

Tanesha (48:16)
I didn't do it in- I didn't do it out in the street. Now if I did it out in the street, now that's something a little different, okay? I mean...

Kiara (48:19)
Well, amen. Amen,

because you'd be in somebody's penitentiary. ⁓

Tanesha (48:24)
Maybe not.

Maybe not. There's people out here who would be doing stuff if not in there anyway.

Kiara (48:29)
Okay, Lord help. Alright, let's wrap this up.

Tanesha (48:31)
Anyway, anyway, so,

so to go back to the question of the answer is pretty much just taking a second and understanding what's happening, assessing the situation and seeing if you can push him. And if you can't push him, then it's over, it's done. Like you gotta ⁓ recoil. Just like with my oldest, he will sit here and shut all the way down while you're talking to him. You'd be looking him like.

Do you not understand what's happening? And I think I'm not gonna lie. The one thing I can say from the pandemic, which is what is so frustrating to me, is that they want everything to be so much easier. And like, everything's online, so everything's so easy. But then what happened to the kids who don't learn that way? My oldest son don't learn that way. He needs to physically write everything down. You need to write it out. He needs to physically, so you want him to do something on the computer. And for him, that's a challenge.

And it's also a challenge because he can get easily distracted. I don't want to do that no more. I can click a tab and keep him moving. Or I'm staring at the screen, but I don't understand, especially when it comes to the math things. How I learn math and how he learns math, how something is better to learn math is to actually physically write it down and write that equation down to really work it out. How do you want them to do that on a computer? They can't.

Kiara (49:53)
Well, for my kids, they require them to show all their work, right? So they had to upload their papers, too, the scratch papers.

Tanesha (50:02)
But see, some people don't do that. They just want you to do it on this thing in front of you. And I have to make him physically write it out.

Kiara (50:07)
yeah,

Tanesha (50:09)
But it's still like, and so, but this is what I'm saying. So like even the changing of the times from the pandemic, all of sudden now everybody just wants everything to on a computer. So the ones who did excel on the computer are excelling. And the ones who don't, they're still struggling and you're trying to figure out why they're struggling. And it's like, because you changed the way you're learning and you're now putting it as a way. This is how everyone learns. Everyone learns this way. When it's once again, you're not paying attention to that. Everyone doesn't learn that way. Even as adults, we don't all learn that the same way.

Kiara (50:18)
Yeah.

That's

Tanesha (50:42)
I think I answered a question.

Kiara (50:43)
I'm glad that took us some time. ⁓

Tanesha (50:45)
It did, I'm sorry.

Kiara (50:48)
No need to apologize, I mean that was a-

Tanesha (50:49)
But it wouldn't be a Main

Event Mamba podcast if it didn't take turn somewhere.

Kiara (50:52)
No,

I would not. I mean, if y'all still with us at this point, you already know the deal. This is how, what happens in the middle of these deep conversations we end up left, right and around. I'm trying to think. I think I had to learn with my daughter that achieving wasn't necessarily an A. That was my first time having to kind of experience that of saying like,

Tanesha (50:57)
You

Kiara (51:21)
what did you learn? What did you get from this? Like, how do you maneuver your way through the work to see some kind of progress? So I had to set different checkpoints for her and how she, if she reached them. So instead of an A, it was, did you get your work done today? Or what did you learn today? Because she's a very, ⁓

social kid, so for her she wants to express it. And she can teach it to you, but if you ask her to write it down, you're SOL, because it's boring to her and she's not gonna do it. Also, because she just don't want to. I was like, she just doesn't want to do it, and will not. We'll get through the entire semester and have done nothing that required to be targeted. But even, like, to take it back to the math I was talking about, they require it. So even if you fill out the math information on the computer,

If you don't upload all your scratch paper, they give you an F. Because they will not, you know, they will not ⁓ give you credit if you don't show them that you got there on your own. Which I do think it's helpful, and I think it helps marry, like you said, the two, this whole like, because everything is required online. This is why I find like school shopping kind of weird now, because you might say they need binders, but if all their work is online.

Tanesha (52:23)
Well, that's good.

Kiara (52:47)
and they don't really get paper. Like, why am I buying stacks and stacks of papers and like four a million? Like when I went school shopping this year, the boy child was like, you can just give me two flexible binders. And I mean, I was like, these are a piece of crap. He goes, but listen, you don't really get that much paper. It was clear. He was like, we don't really do that. Whereas the girl child was like, I'm gonna need each notebook for each class. You know what I mean? Like, and like you said, I just think it speaks to the way each of them learn. She also needs like tax.

She needs things because she has ADHD. She needs things that help keep her interested. So I made sure her pencil pouch is tactile. Like she can just draw on it or run her fingers on it so that it's not a fidget toy, but it's something that can make her like catch her attention if she's feeling stressed or something like that. So there's like the phrases and actions I use to kind of do that. I always tell people you fail or you learn, right?

And know, like, I remember people saying it to me and thinking like, that's crazy. But because, you know, I don't really fail, I don't know how to handle failure or didn't at that time and still don't as an adult, we're gonna get into that shortly. But like, I think it's important to learn something out of each of those failures so that you don't just necessarily look at it as a negative, but look at it as a like, well, this didn't work out, but now I know how to pursue it in the future, right? So that's where I'm headed.

kind of with that. And then we're going to wrap up our parents perspective and I'm going to ask you, what's one piece of advice you wish you can give your child right now about not being afraid to fail?

Tanesha (54:31)
⁓

Well, I mean, it's things I tell them now to try to do your best. If you're actually doing your best, then you didn't fail. The only time that you're failing at something is if you're not giving your 100 % of yourself. Then you're failing because you're not giving everything to what you're trying to do. But if you're giving everything to what you have to do, then you didn't fail. ⁓

Like sometimes I don't care about the grade. I do care about the grade, but at the same time I don't because I need, you need to know that you did everything in your power to do what you needed to do. And that's even in school, that's in sports, that's in dance, that's in life. If you're doing your best, if you know for a fact you're giving every fiber in yourself to what you're, the task that you're trying to do.

then you didn't fail. That's how I look at it. No, I mean, I don't know you would look, but that's how look at it. That's how, that's what

Kevelyn (55:42)
I think ⁓ I would just have the real conversation with them that failure is gonna happen. And not to beat yourself up over the fact that it may not have worked out the first time. ⁓ But I'd still honor the don't believe in quitting, so to speak. ⁓

Kiara (55:42)
Okay, Kevelyn

Kevelyn (56:08)
I still think that you should try your best. still think that you should. If there's something that you truly want and that you desire to do, go after it again. ⁓ You don't stop just because it was hard or what have you. You learn from it and try again. ⁓ But I just I need my kids to know that you're not a failure because something failed. ⁓

Tanesha (56:31)
Mmm.

Mmm.

Kiara (56:33)
You can clap that.

Kevelyn (56:34)
in our ⁓

Tanesha (56:37)
That's a word that needs to go on the shirt. ⁓ a

copyright that goes on the shirt.

Kiara (56:42)
That's right, that's a good one. That was a good one. ⁓ Wow.

Kevelyn (56:46)
you.

Kiara (56:50)
that was a one, Kevelyn Just good to say. I think, again, what I tell my kids is either you succeed or you learn. So don't consider failure kind of like the end. That's the thing that I want them to know most of all. Do not consider failure the end of something. It's the start of something else, whether it's you continuing on that journey and finding another way to get it or pivoting and finding something else that you like just as much.

because I think that's something that for whatever reason in this culture now it's like, and even me, like if you fail, like that's the end, but it's not like you're going to wake up tomorrow. The sun's going to shine. mean, God willing, the sun's going to shine and the moon's going to go and like all the things will continue. can't take failure as the end of anything except maybe that particular direction. If you choose it, right. Like I'm like,

I like to tell them every day that you're awake and you're alive is the opportunity to do something new. So don't dwell in what you consider a failure. But I also don't want them to be afraid of the word failure either. Like, okay, so it didn't work and you failed at this. All right, so what's next? That's kind of like, that's the one thing I think dad taught us that I don't, I think is.

worthy of being taught again, even though, know, like I said, I always feel like if you can raise the bar a little bit, they might achieve it, but you never know if you don't try. And I always tell them that too, like, you miss all the shots you don't take. But even if you take that shot and it doesn't work out, that should, if anything, it should make you rethink whether that's the shot you should be going after. And if it is, is this the approach you should take or is there a different one?

that might work out better for you or help you reach a different outcome, right?

MainEventMamasPodcast (58:50)
Okay, as we continue on, I want to think about failure again from the adult perspective, right?

I want you to think about the first question we answered when we said, when you think about a failure in your life, but now I want you to answer it a different way. So I want to know what's the one thing you gain from a major failure in your life that you couldn't have learned any other.way

I can start and let you guys think about it a little bit. Because I had a chance to like, noodle on this one since I wrote the questions. So I told you guys at the start of this episode, I failed in my own opinion because I got sick, right? And I wasn't able to do all the things I would have normally done at this point and didn't have the funds to do it. But because I didn't have to do that or was not able to do that,

I learned several important lessons. One being, my kids will be okay if I am not Superwoman. I think that was a really important lesson that they were okay. There was no anger, no frustration, no I'm disappointed in you mom, none of that. So it was a nice lesson to learn that it might all be in my head.

versus a reality of them being disappointed in me. And that you guys weren't disappointed, right? When we didn't have the chance to record, y'all were like, it's fine, it's fine. I realized again, that was me pushing the narrative versus seeing what was really happening. So I will say, if I hadn't had to step back a bit.

I wouldn't have had a chance to learn that my kids didn't mind either way. I didn't have to do anything special and they would still love me and appreciate me either way. And I think that was an important lesson for me to learn because I think I've been hearing it. Like I will tell you, my therapist has said it a million times. She's like, no one cares. You don't have to be superwoman to anybody ever. ⁓

And I was just like, no, they do because they're so used to it. And they know like, I always have everything. I always do everything. And she was just like, and then what if you can't? And I'm like, I'll do it. But I couldn't, I physically could not do it. So I learned that being superwoman was dumb because they didn't really care. And then I also learned that rest is equally important as pushing things forward because

The whole time where I had to sit at home and watch Netflix and read books, first of all, it was delightful because I haven't done that in a long time. But also restorative. I was able to brainstorm things. I was able to think of new things we could do later. ⁓ And so it also gave me a reminder that rest has a very important part, equally important part in my life. So I can say that's what I took away and I wouldn't have learned.

any other way.

Okay, anybody else ready?

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:02:03)
Yeah, I can go. I feel like I'm still learning this just in reference to what I was sharing earlier, but that there is life after what one considers a failure or a failed situation.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:02:04)
I'm about to say I ain't ready, I'm still thinking.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:02:19)
Oftentimes we think that, you know, if something falls apart, it's just like, it's the end all be all and I know how I'm gonna make it. And it's just gonna be terrible and all the things. And just in terms of speaking about divorce in general, there's life after, you know, there's a finding yourself. There's you know, reassessing what went wrong, what could have done better? What do I not want to have happen ever again?

What do I want the next relationship to look like when the time comes? I'm working through all of those things, but I think that in the midst of even contemplating it, it felt like I wasn't even gonna make it to this part, you know, just being real. But there is life after, you know, and...

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:02:47)
That's important. That right there. That right there.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:03:16)
If it happens, you pray it doesn't, but if it happens, just know there's light at end of tunnel. You'll be okay.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:03:25)
I think that's an important lesson, that you could keep going after failure, right? It's not the end.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:03:35)
I mean, I guess if we're going off of what I said this earlier, ⁓ I have come, I let that keep me down for a moment. It's still fresh, but I'm reevaluating what I could do different, knowing that I got...

in the position to be able to go for that interview or for them to even want to have picked me to have the interview. ⁓ And for me not to give up and keep knowing what I'm capable of, knowing that someone job related will see the worth that I can bring. ⁓

based off a certain type of experiences. I may not have a bachelor's or an associate's degree, but I have tons of experience that can be relevant to a company and reevaluating that and don't let it keep me down for too long.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:04:39)
I think that's important. I would also tell you maybe it's telling you a different that you should go in a different direction than where you were initially going.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:04:51)
That could be a possibility.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:04:53)
possibility to.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:04:57)
I mean, that happened to me. I mean, I found out that I didn't need to go in the direction I thought I was going. I thought I should go and get a job at the same type of company I was leaving, and God clearly said, just kidding. So, and it's a better opportunity, I think, this way too.

Okay, we're gonna pause again because everybody's blurry. What the heck?

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:05:33)
Okay, so as we look and to talk about, I want to talk about perfectionism. How does the pursuit of perfection often get in the way of starting or completing a project out of fear of it not being good enough? I'd like for you guys to think about that for a minute and I will start because again, wrote the question. I feel like this might require to look back a little. I will tell you that's...

what made me pause in doing this podcast overall. I was very concerned that, A, I didn't know how to do it. And I was like, I don't know nothing about this podcasting situation or what. I also knew that it was going to take a lot. And so I was just kind of worried about

if I couldn't give enough to it to be good. And so I was really scared. I think that's what took so long to come from our conversations about it. We talked about it for a long time before it became a real actual concept. And so I think that also speaks to my just perfectionism overall. It's one of the things that the funny part is dad used to get on me for all the time.

He was like, you don't have to be perfect. And I was like, but don't I? Like for you, but okay. I felt like he put me a little bit on the pedestal and I remember him being like, Kevelyn, you should be like your sister, Kiara. And I used to be like, I really hate that you do that because one, I felt like it was a lot of pressure to be kind of perfect. And two, again, it felt like I didn't have permission to fail, right?

And I remember, again, one more thing I said to my therapist was like, I could never fail. I remember asking my father about it him being like, I've never seen you fail. So we had one conversation conversation before dad passed away and he was basically sharing his concerns about all of the siblings, right? I don't think he talks about you, Kevvie. I think he was just talking about three oldest. And he went down the list with our brother with

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:07:55)
I'm like, I don't even want to know.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:07:58)
Tanesha, nope, I don't remember. This was like, how old is my son? 17 years ago. Don't check that memory, girl, I don't know. ⁓ But he went down this list of both of them. And then when he got to me, he's like, yeah, I ain't worried about you, though. You always make stuff work. I've never been worried about you. So I'm still not worried about you. And that made me feel some kind of way, right? Because I was like...

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:08:26)
Wait!

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:08:28)
Shouldn't you be a little concerned about me? Why do you assume I have my stuff together? Because I was 22 and pregnant. Wasn't sure what was up and what was down during that period of time, right?

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:08:31)
you

I mean, don't say it like that, like you

were 22 and pregnant, so was I. We were both pregnant at the same time. We made it out of high school, but at least we made it out of high school.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:08:50)
know, but like, keep in mind, like I was in college. I was in my,

we did, you're right, thank God. I thank him every day.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:08:59)
And we made it past 21. We made it past

21.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:09:02)
Okay, technically maybe it was, I mean like.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:09:05)
Okay, sorry. I'm just saying don't say it like that. Just don't say it like that because of me and pregnant at the same time. It's like, you're like, I was pregnant at the same time. Girl, okay, so was I. Okay, sorry, go ahead. I love you.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:09:07)
Are you done?

Thank you. Appoint me. ⁓

But that was my point. That was not part of the plan for my life that I would have put on that bingo card, if that makes sense. I would have waited until I was married, or at least done with college. I would have had a much more secure base to enter children into the universe, in my feeling. So it made me feel some kind of way. And I also remember being afraid of being pregnant in the first place.

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Thank

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:09:35)
Yeah.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:09:47)
What if I'm the worst mother ever? Right? Like, and I think a lot of people have that fear though. Like I don't think anyone's might be alone in feeling like that. But I was like, what if I am the worst mother in the history of mothers? Like I'm too selfish. I'm not patient. Like I just thought I was going to be awful. But in the same breath that he said all the things he did say, like I'm not worried about you. He was like, I think you're going to be an amazing mom.

And I just was like, okay. So that kind of kept me, I think, on the path of completing multiple projects, least that pregnancy for one. But then also, like, as we talk about the podcast, like, I knew I wasn't alone. I was doing with you guys, and that was going to be a way to...

hold myself accountable, but also be with the people I know I'm most safe with, even if we screw it up. Right? So there you go. So that's my answer. So I'm going let you guys decide who goes first.

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I can't sound like Bruce again.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:10:56)
Not that look. Not that look.

Today she's like, not me. That's pretty much, she needs just a sign that's like, not me. Okay. All right, Kaplan. You're up.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:11:03)
See you at the end.

So I know I'm a perfectionist by nature. ⁓ And so it has been really hard for me to, because I have all the ideas, right? I'm like, give me something and I will sit there and brainstorm it all day. Look, I'm good at that part. ⁓ But it takes.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:11:34)
Same.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:11:35)
me a while to implement though, because I have all the what ifs. Well, what if it doesn't work? Well, what if this? Well, what if this happens? Well, what if that happens? And so it takes me a while to actually be like, all right, to step out on faith and be like, okay, all right, Lord, we gonna do this. Just case in point example, like just starting a real estate team. That was like, whew, it took me some years.

just to believe in myself to be able to do that. ⁓ And it's not that I didn't think that I could do it, but it's just like, but what if people won't want to follow? And, but what if I can't teach them the way that I do things or like, there's so many different things that go into that. ⁓ But I did do it, you know, and it did last a couple of years and it's something that I'm proud of. So I'm

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very successful at it.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:12:34)
I was going say it was pretty successful.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:12:35)
Huh?

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:12:36)
Yeah, very, very excited, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let us hype you up. You were good.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:12:37)
Heck yeah. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for that. I mean, had I not done. Thank you. you.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:12:49)
Fantastic,

overwhelmingly good, amazing.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:12:53)
Thank you, thank you. But I, again, like, it took me so long to even pull the plug though, on actually doing it. And I think that perfection, just wanting it to be perfect, wanting it to work out, not wanting to fail, know, having people depend on you. Their careers depend on yours and what you do and all those different things. And that's a lot of pressure. ⁓ So I just think that, I'm glad I did it though. I'll say that.

I'm glad I did it. I got to work with who I got to work with and there's more to come. So yeah.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:13:28)
Yeah, yeah.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:13:30)
Exciting, exciting. All right, Tanesha, stop delaying the inevitable. Let's get it.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:13:32)
Sorry, my turn.

I don't think I'm perfectionist like the rest of them. Okay? Them too? Them too. See, he's always a sibling that has to be the opposite. I'm not a perfectionist, but I am an over-thinker. I overthink. And sometimes that's a good thing and a bad thing. ⁓

Definitely especially with me and my businesses that I am trying to like my cupcake business trying to restart that relaunch that I Overthink that I know those are I know whatever I'm going to make is going to be good. I Ain't worried about that It's also but it's just worrying about Trying to make sure I make enough right? So maybe I am a perfectionist in some aspects of life

but

Yeah, it's just more so I'm a procrastinator because I am afraid of failure. So I won't do things because I'm gonna fail. So then maybe, like I said, maybe I am a little bit of perfectionist just in a way that I wouldn't call it a perfectionist. That's all I got. I got nothing else.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:14:59)
Okay, okay. Miss non-perfectionist, got you. Okay, anyway, now that we've talked about the perfectionist of it all, or the non-perfectionist of it all, let's talk about some compassion. So how can we practice self-compassion after we failed, instead of resorting to like criticism? So what's a ritual or thought?

that you use to comfort yourself.

I mean, I can tell y'all. I was gonna say I pray. Me and God have deep conversations in the shower. I'm like, listen, we done been through a lot today. I need to work through my feelings and I thought you told me I should do this, but then I did it and it didn't work. So we have whole live conversations in the shower.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:15:29)
I don't have-

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:15:29)
Okay.

I pray daily.

You ready?

not for room.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:15:54)
in the car, sometimes with my husband around, me and Jesus have a whole dialogue while I'm cooking. I'm just like, we gotta talk about what I thought was a good idea and was not. He was like, think you're talking to yourself. I'm like, no. Me and Jesus are having an in-depth conversation at this time. ⁓ So I do that. But I also, I like to take a moment and think about

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:16:14)
That's facts. Big one.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:16:22)
and celebrate that I tried something new because that is really hard for me. Change is difficult for me because I'm so worried about perfection. So I like to take a moment and celebrate, like you did it, like look what you did. Something you thought you would never do and maybe it's not for you. You know what I mean? But you tried. So I try to give myself that pat on the back because that's I'm like, ooh, we was too scared to try it before, but we did it.

Like that karaoke situation we did, good god. I hope there's never a video of that that surfaces. ⁓

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:16:54)
Okay, well first

off, I don't know who has the copy of the video and I would not put that out there. You know why? Because that does not show our true talent and our potential because we do way better than that. It's just, that was just us having fun for my day. Huh, what happened? The microphone didn't work? You're right, the microphone didn't work, but it also, our vocals were working as properly as they should.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:09)
The microphone didn't work, I want to point that out.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:21)
The only person who sound amazing was Ms. Kavalin. And then we somehow got her off key too. But.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:27)
You

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:29)
But

don't, if that video ever surfaced, well, she should not, but if it does, don't judge that because we were a singing group. M, S, L, me. Sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this. But to answer the question about, I don't know. I don't know what just happened. What I do.

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Please stop!

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:56)
Look at us off

the rails again.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:17:57)
Okay, I

did, I did, did. But what I do is I journal to get all my thoughts out. I'm not gonna say I don't pray, because I do sometimes. But sometimes I feel prayer has failed me. So that's another story for another day. We're not gonna get into it right now. But, ⁓ I journal. Or I go back to the drawing board, or I do talk to myself.

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What?

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:18:25)
And sometimes I answer. It's just what it is. Yeah.

I answered the question. I answered the question! Okay! Thank you!

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:18:33)
You did, you did a great job. ⁓ I don't want to end, you did, you

did a great job. I am gonna give you your kudos for that. You definitely did. But I don't want to end this on a sad or a difficult or contemplative note. I want to talk about one win that we had this week because this conversation was a lot about reflection and things that we would do differently and things that we've learned. But I want to talk about

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:18:44)
you

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:19:03)
That last bit we talked about was congratulating ourselves when things don't necessarily go our way or, you know, reflecting on what you could have done differently, something like that. But so this week, I want to talk about the flip side. What is one win that you can say you successfully achieved despite all the things we've discussed? That's the starting point here.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:19:27)
I will go first. ⁓ I have been able to get the baby on a schedule. That's been a task. She has a mind of her own and she thinks she's grown already. But ⁓ no, seriously, that was, I was so proud of myself. That was a mom moment. Like, yes, it worked.

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that all my kids are alive.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:19:38)
Yay!

That she does.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:19:55)
So we'll see how long it continues to work. yeah, I'm excited about that.

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I know. you gotta do is come

back down here. We will put it together, okay? We will reinforce your schedule.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:20:06)
Look, it's been great. It's been great. I've been able to get a lot done, work related, so I'm happy. Thank you.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:20:11)
That was the only way

I ever survived when the kids were little. I was like everyone to bed. Done. That's right, girl. Mm-hmm. I heard you. All right, Tanesha, what was your win this week?

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:20:16)
⁓ she's talking.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:20:21)
⁓ huh.

I said everybody's alive.

That's a win. That's for everybody alive. That's a win.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:20:28)
You said everybody's alive? That's the win this week? Yeah. I mean that is a win. I mean don't... Amen! Like, you did it. You did it. Now I'm feeling Dora in my head. Like yeah, you did. Like, that's important. I used to love that stupid song.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:20:30)
Yeah, that's a win. Including myself. mean...

You did it! Yeah, we did it!

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:20:52)
the torment I went through with these kids and their kids music. You know what my win is from this week? I got the chance to listen back to the live stream that we did with Culture Clash Network, our partners, and talking about female empowerment and listening back to it just made me so proud of all of us for sharing what we thought. I was really proud of myself for hosting

Even though, like I said, my voice acts like it wants to work sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. But she held out for that entire conversation. So I was really excited that, you know, we put together this outline and it also is the highest viewing episode for them right now. So that was really exciting too. So I was like, it gave me more of what I felt like were my producer.

So I gave myself a bit of kudos for putting that together, the episode, and also with the wonderful woman that we got to partner with, because mean, Nessa really brought it, as did Mimi and Jojo, and of course, Tanesha. So that's why I'm proud of this week.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:22:08)
No,

why are you saying of course like that, girl? Why? Anyway, sorry. Sorry, I'm a little feisty, little feisty, but bring it down, bring it down three notches, I'm sorry. I love you.

Main Event Mamas Podcast (1:22:18)
and technology.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:22:22)
Thank you. Well, that was a amazingly deeply, I love you too, that was an amazing discussion that we just had. And I hope at the very least you've taken away that failure is not the end and there's lots of opportunity to learn and it's nothing to be afraid of ⁓ because I think it took all of us a long time to come to terms with that kind of perspective. And with that, I want to...

remind you that if you not have subscribed by now on whatever platform you currently are listening to, this is your moment to hit that bell on YouTube to click that follow on Apple Podcasts or any of the other ones that you're currently listening to us on so that you can continue to hear our content whenever it drops and you can be first in line. And then I also want to

where you can listen to us moving forward.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:23:23)
I was like, ⁓ ma'am. So, as she mentioned, you can listen to us on Apple Podcasts. You can also listen to us Pocket Podcasts. You can listen to us on Amazon Audible, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, Spotify. Yeah, mm-hmm, that's where, all those places. And of course, YouTube. And you can see us on Spotify.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:23:51)
Okay?

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:23:53)
Right? And then you can also sit here and make sure you go to our website. I know, go to our website at www.MainEventMamasPodcast.com.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:23:55)
Don't forget that part, that's really important.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:06)
K what? Then you can also sit here and make sure you follow us on all our socials on Facebook, on X, on, well X is Twitter, okay, on fake Instagram.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:20)
Mm-hmm.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:20)
I feel like I'm missing something. threads. And tick, how can I miss our tickety-tock people? Tickety-tock, tick tick tock. And then you can also follow me on Instagram at Tanesha underscore mama pod. You can follow Kiara over here on Kiara, my mama's pod. And on Twitter.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:22)
Tick tock. Thank you.

Shara Mama pod, that's

right.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:45)
That's

right, on Twitter you can follow her as ContentVixen. Okay, she's a vixen, understand it. Did I leave anything out? I don't think so. you can't follow Kevleen yet. When you will, we will let you know. But right now you can't follow her. So you wanna get to her, have to sit here and email us or go through our website.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:24:48)
Yes.

I don't think you left anything out. You did a great job. No.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:25:11)
And can sit here and leave us a voice note. Make sure you stay respectful at all costs. Okay? Or I will call you out. Or you can request to be a part of our podcast to have all the fun and the glory. I think I did everything now.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:25:27)
I just want to say, we're not new to this.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:25:30)
We are so true to this and this was Main Event Mamas.

MainEventMamasPodcast (1:25:37)
Bye!

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special