Can you handle being the "Soft Girl," or are you just addicted to the control?

Tanesha (00:42)
Hi, I'm Tanisha.

Kiara (00:45)
And I'm Kiara.

Tanesha (00:47)
and you're now into sister chat. Welcome to me, event mamas.

Kiara (00:51)
Yeah, we're back this week. You may notice our new background. We want to remind you where you can find us. there you go. You're welcome. More design for me. That being said, it's been a week. We've got some good stuff to talk about, right? We've got some stuff we're counting down to the Super Bowl. So, I mean, I'm psyched. This week is going to be a good one. But this conversation...

Tanesha (01:04)
you

test.

Kiara (01:17)
me in particular.

Tanesha (01:19)
I mean, it could be con... I can't even say the word. It could be confrontational.

Kiara (01:25)
It feels like it might be a little,

I mean, you'll see where we go in a minute, but we're going to get into something that I've been meaning to get into for a while for me, because I feel like it's a conversation that has come up a bunch of times. And late last year, someone mentioned it to me again, and I thought this would be a great opportunity to just have this kind of conversation with my sister in particular.

I have thoughts and I'm curious what you think, if we think the same way or if we think different. And what I'm going to be referencing around multiple times today is the alpha female or alpha woman.

Tanesha (02:03)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (02:06)
and the soft girl, thinking soft girl era. Era, not era.

we're not getting into that.

And I'm going to give you the definition of that because I want you to able to ride with us so you understand how we're using these

when we're talking the alpha woman, the alpha female, we're talking high agency, a fixer, the one who carries a lot of the load. And when we're talking about a soft girl, we're talking about intentionally choosing peace and ease and a little bit of more gentleness than what you often see in the alpha characteristic.

I know, I know. But before we get started, I want to remind you that this is your moment to hit the subscribe button on any of these channels you see above. You see that? I made that easy for us. You can hit subscribe on YouTube, anywhere you're currently listening to us. If you happen to be listening to us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or the multiple areas of podcasts you can find us on. Or even if you're on our website.

Tanesha (02:44)
Yeah, I'm going under that.

Add it.

Kiara (03:12)
It'll orient you nicely for you to figure out where to catch your latest main event mama stuff.

with that let's get into it because oof oof okay so like i said this has been on my mind for a little while now trying to figure out a couple things

Tanesha (03:19)
Okay, let's go.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (03:32)
Like, I consider myself an alpha female, right? I'm very dominant. I know what I want. I know what I don't. I work really hard. I'm a boss.

Tanesha (03:36)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Kiara (03:45)
I pay my own way.

I like Tyrone and them.

or maybe Tyrone's friends, if I remember specifically from that song. Because she told him to call Tyrone. But anyway.

Tanesha (03:54)
Then

she said, here's a quarter, go cold type wrong.

Kiara (03:56)
She did.

But I consider myself kind of an alpha female. But often when you're an alpha female from a relationship perspective, it is very hard to date and find a partner.

So that's what we're getting into today. This is dating and love and relationships only this week.

Tanesha (04:16)
right

before Valentine's Day too. Ooh, look at this.

Kiara (04:19)
Sorry. But I'm not sorry, because some of y'all need to have this conversation. Like, I needed to have it last year when I realized where I fit in the spectrum. So let's talk about the reality of things. It sounds really great on paper to be a boss, but how that actually feels when you're trying to build a life with someone can be kind of difficult, right?

Tanesha (04:25)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (04:47)
Because

again, if you know what you want, you know what you don't want. You've often lived by yourself, which I did in fact, live by myself. And it can be a little bit of a war zone as you're trying to like navigate those differences I feel like. So I want to ask you this question. Why do you think it is difficult for alpha females?

Tanesha (05:04)
Okay.

Kiara (05:09)
I have heard is that it is difficult for a lot of women who are alpha females to find a partner. Why do you think that is?

Tanesha (05:21)
Well, I think it'd be a couple of things. I think.

as female who could be alpha, you have to have it your way or no way. So the person has to fit into your mode and if they don't, then you just disregard. And then I also think there are guys out there that are very intimidated by you being an alpha because you can't have two alphas in relationship or can you?

Kiara (05:53)
I I think so. I think so. I think so, and I'm going to tell you why.

can say I was lucky in the sense because when I was dating, we were young, so I don't think I had fully developed that full alpha-ness at that point. I was still growing up, so I didn't have my own stuff. I worked, you worked, but I didn't have my own house, my own car. We weren't quite all the way established. I think it would have been difficult now. Right, I think it would have been difficult now to find someone to kind of...

Tanesha (06:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

took the train and the bus.

Kiara (06:30)
you know, come into my life that way because you're also very protective of the work that you put in. That's the other thing I feel like there's a point on. it takes a lot to build yourself up, to be successful, to have good credit, to have a great job. There's a lot of schooling that goes into that. There's a lot that goes into building your home, right? The way you want it. And when you invite the wrong person in, as many people have found, that don't work. It doesn't work. And so...

I want to reference one other thing you said before I get into whether I think there's two alphas that can coexist because I definitely do preview. But before that, you said sometimes men can be scared of that kind of energy. And I think you might be right. I remember when I was first dating back in the day.

Tanesha (07:10)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (07:16)
I had a lot of guy friends. So I was talking to one of my guy friends and I was like, dude, like, I feel like nobody approaches me. Like, what is that about? Like, I feel like no one wants to talk to me and nobody wants to approach me. And he was like, you look like work. And I thought, hmm, that's messed up. But he was like, you do. He's like, you have your head on your shoulders. He's like, you're going places.

You're not the easy chick that, you know, go along with everything I want and try to impress me. Cause it didn't, I wasn't that way either. Like it's still very hard to catch my attention. I just, okay, that's nice. That's pretty. And I move on with my life. But when they said that, it made me kind of like, you know, jolt a little bit. Like that's messed up.

Tanesha (07:47)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (08:04)
And we further discussed it and he was like, okay, I want to explain this to you better. And he was like, I'm at the stage in my life, which is what he said, and we were teenagers. So would say probably like 17, 18-ish, maybe 16, 17-ish, something like that. And he was like, yeah, no, I don't want work. He's like, I'm not looking for a wife right now. And that's what you are. He's like, you are not a good time girl. You're not one of those.

Tanesha (08:31)
Mmm.

Kiara (08:33)
He's like, so therefore you feel like work. So yeah, no. And I was like, dang, that really hurt my feelings. Not gonna lie. At that time,

And so it got me thinking like if a person is a good fit for you.

Would they really be scared?

Tanesha (08:50)
Hmm.

Kiara (08:51)
or would they be excited? And if somebody's scared, should you be worried about them in the first place?

What do you think?

Tanesha (09:01)
I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I didn't experience those things like you did. That makes me question.

Kiara (09:08)
Nope.

you didn't. You had a whole different experience.

Tanesha (09:12)
But now it makes me question, was I considered the party girl? The easy one? So that's why I think I'm a lot of work. I'm a headache. That's what I am. And I just, I don't know.

I wanna say sometimes I feel like I'm alpha female, but I'm only alpha female because I want my way.

I'm alpha female in a way that I just want my way and if I don't get my way then I have a tantrum. Or I just go silent or I just don't do anything. But I'm definitely not a soft girl. Like I don't.

that version of the definition that you read. That is not me either. So I'm like in the middle. I don't know what that is.

Kiara (09:57)
you, you're wrong.

Tanesha (09:57)
What?

Okay, I'm wrong. Okay, you tell me.

Kiara (10:01)
Because you're the fixer in your house. You do all the things. You're the mom and the dad a lot of times. So I think you've earned the right to be particular and to want things your way. Because the way things were working, I mean that's how they were working, is that you had it working. So I would challenge that thinking.

Tanesha (10:05)
Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (10:20)
But I think you're a mother, you're a single mother, so ultimately you have to, in some regard, manage the household and your kids and their lives and your life. So I would argue.

Tanesha (10:33)
I okay, so when you put it like that, okay, then yeah, okay. So then yes, I would say I would be considered alpha female because I do like when it comes to certain responsibilities, they take precedence Now granted, it's been a little lacking, lackluster in the last year, as you guys know, but I still strive.

I still manage everybody's schedule. I have to know it off the top of my head and be like, nah, we can't do that because I got to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, So I guess so. I guess so. I'll take that. Fine. I am a little bit.

Kiara (11:15)
Okay, okay. So, so here's a question. Have you ever felt like you had to dim your light or play small just so a man wouldn't feel like he was in competition with you?

Tanesha (11:28)
Yes.

I do it all the time. I do it all the time. Which sucks. Because I think that's where it comes into, so then it comes into like when you are considering yourself an alpha female,

and you're trying to be soft, gotta like, I find then yeah, gotta dim yourself a little bit. Like, all right, me tone myself down to a different level. So I do do that.

Kiara (12:00)
Do you think that's required to be in a successful relationship?

Tanesha (12:06)
I don't know, it depends on your partner.

Kiara (12:11)
I don't know. I feel like the answer to that question for me is absolutely. But I also think if you know me, I mean, yes, because I think fundamentally.

Tanesha (12:19)
You said absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (12:29)
The way I was raised was to be very independent and to be a fire starter on your own. You know what mean? And I definitely think it can be a turnoff for some people to feel like.

Tanesha (12:31)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (12:43)
you are right that like you don't need them but also that like you're busier than them it can feel exhausting i think and then this is my my issue for a while was like is it exhausting to be with somebody like me because i always i'm busy i

Tanesha (12:43)
like you don't need them.

I think I am. I

say I'm exhausting.

Kiara (13:06)
I think I'm worth it,

So when I say yes, it's exhausting. I also, I'm gonna ask do I really want you around if you're exhausted by that energy? Like, I think it goes back to what we talked about ⁓ at the beginning of the year. Like I require things of people who are around me. I don't cultivate a circle of people who just flip flop.

Tanesha (13:15)
Mm.

Kiara (13:26)
aren't on their own stuff, aren't interested in new ideas, not interested in learning. It requires things to be around me. I don't just let you be here. I don't just let you hang out. Because I do think your environment can sometimes make you a product of those things. if you build an inner circle or an environment of people who are successful and who are always challenging things and doing things.

then you're naturally going to be someone who's doing things and challenging things and trying to be successful, I feel like. Therefore, do I necessarily want someone who isn't about that life Now, I also think there are some people who can be, who don't have to be alphas. And by that, I mean they can play the role of beta. Like, I can be a number two. So alpha is more like main character energy, is what I feel like.

But I feel like to be successful, and we're going to talk about this in a minute, you have to be able to play positions, which I think is kind of really important

Tanesha (14:24)
Mm.

Kiara (14:28)
My perspective is I feel like in an ideal partnership, you're gonna have alpha energy on both sides and you're just gonna be able to play the positions. Meaning like you have alpha energy, I have alpha energy, but we both know how to play beta as needed. If you have the skill set in this and I don't, I'll give y'all some examples when we get into it. Then I'm gonna listen and let you lead, because maybe I don't know how to do it.

Just like I expect you to let me lead if you don't know I do. And I do.

Tanesha (14:57)
See,

so that's the thing. I'm not that. Like I don't wanna lead. I've been leading most of my life. I don't wanna lead. I just wanna follow and chill and just, you said do this and then I trust you? Okay, I'ma do it. But if I don't trust you, me give you. Let me do it.

Kiara (15:12)
interesting.

I mean listen, to each their own.

Tanesha (15:20)
You know why?

Because I let myself be led. And it was not the greatest. And now I refuse to let myself be led again, even though I want to be led. Does that make sense?

Kiara (15:33)
Mm, sort of.

Tanesha (15:34)
Hmm.

Hmm. I know, I'm just a bunch of press-cusers.

Kiara (15:38)
You just said you want to be, but you refuse to be. You see what I'm saying? Like I'm very...

Is this the conundrum many women face? I to follow, but the last time I followed, it didn't go well. So do I lean myself to following again? What'd say?

Tanesha (15:52)
You led me to the swamp. You led me to

the swamp. I said you left me, you led me to the swamp. And now I had to, I don't want to go there again. I don't want to crawl, kick, scream and get out. I just don't want to be there. Now, granted.

Kiara (16:00)
What a go there. No.

Tanesha (16:11)
I think I stay in alpha mode as a defense mechanism, survival mode.

as well. But I don't want to be there anymore. I want to not be in defense or survival mode. But the problem is, I think some people don't know how to get out of it, to end up becoming. I think that's my problem. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how to get out of survival mode.

Kiara (16:23)
That makes sense.

there.

Listen, understand that. Yeah, I understand. I understand that. I think that's a real concern to say like, how do you get out of this? Like, I have to be in charge of everything and just learn how to delegate and to like trust somebody to do it. I think that's true and fair.

I think this leads to this other question, which I thought was an interesting question I want to talk about. Do we attract beta energy because we're alpha, or do we become more alpha because the person you with could be lacking? What do you think about?

Tanesha (17:09)
Okay.

I don't know.

Kiara (17:21)
Yeah, it's a hard question to think about, right? listen, I feel like, is it the chicken or the egg thing? Like, I don't know. Like, I had the same thought when I thought about this and Because like I said, I would prefer to have someone who could play different positions. Like, can I have a little variety and flexibility? Can you not just be one dimension?

Tanesha (17:21)
I don't know.

Kiara (17:45)
Because again, I'm going to want to lead on your strengths and like vice versa. But it is difficult to try to have a more soft presence and kind of, and by soft, mean fall back some to let somebody take the lead.

Tanesha (17:58)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (18:00)
So I was kind of like, nah. But then like, do you become more alpha because you don't trust that person can't do it? I think that could happen too. If you feel like I have to keep this person, but they're not going to do it. So is that just really you filling in as you need to? Or like we were just talking about managing around your partner or managing your partner like a kid to try to get things done. I don't think that's the most effective way to have a relationship in the first place.

Tanesha (18:27)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (18:29)
Unless that's your thing. That's your thing. Like, if both of y'all like this lifestyle choice, then that's your thing. But for many of us, that sounds like an nightmare

It could happen.

If people like to like, you know, they like to play that beta role. But like you said earlier, I think that might be based on your personality more than just your archetype type of what it is. Cause maybe that's what you like. You like to have someone boss you around and you need someone to do it. I definitely know people in my life right now that they need somebody to boss them around because they can't make independent decisions.

Tanesha (18:46)
Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm

gonna put it this way. I don't need you to boss me around. Because then that's going to create resistance. That's not what I'm saying. I just need to be able to go.

Kiara (19:10)
Right.

Tanesha (19:17)
Alright, cool. I'll do it. Whatever you want. I'll do it. Got you. Like that's... You know, cause then I know...

Kiara (19:20)
You

Tanesha (19:27)
that you got me too. Like I shouldn't have to question if I do this if you still got me.

Kiara (19:35)
So is that like that thought of being taken care of?

Is that like?

Tanesha (19:38)
I mean, I would guess so,

because every alpha wants to be taken care of. mean, come on. Every alpha wants to be taken care of. Well, most of them do, I'm gonna put it that way. Or maybe not. Maybe they don't. Because I'm also trying to think of the visions of the alpha females that we've seen. And every vision of them, they lonely. They want somebody to love them. They want somebody to be there. They got their standards all the way up here. And they're like, why can't nobody be up here? I don't understand. And you be like.

Ma'am, you may need to take one or two things off that box, cause that sounds crazy. Like you want somebody to have a, like, you know, some things you'd be like, that's a little unrealistic. Like you, like everyone can't check the box. Like we're not built that way. We're not perfect. So everyone can't check the box, but if they can check, eight out of 10 of your boxes, shouldn't that be suffice? Or if they check out seven or 10 of your boxes, should that be enough? Like,

And for some people, no, they got to check all the boxes. Like in the, in the, in that movie, that was Tyler Perry movie, daddy's little girl and her character, she had this box and everyone had to fill this box all because of what someone else did who didn't, who she trusted and left. So now everyone has to this box and if you don't fit this box, it ain't going to work. You know what I'm saying? Like it was like, it's not going to work.

Now granted she found somebody that did not check all the boxes, but she was happy.

So sometimes some people, but then she was getting judged for it by other people who feel like their standards are like, he does that, what's wrong with you? So it doesn't fit. So that's where too, I think where it comes to the alpha female, you have it where they also are, still have to oppress the people that they're around.

Kiara (21:18)
Alright, so it does have fit.

Tanesha (21:29)
So, you know, so this is where it comes into play. There's some alpha females that they're gonna stay lonely forever. And it sucks because they have...

Kiara (21:30)
Yeah, I can see that.

Tanesha (21:45)
an unrealistic view or they have people in their ear giving them unrealistic views and that's when it goes well if you're an alpha female shouldn't you be able to think for yourself but sometimes they can't

Kiara (22:02)
think that takes us back to this nature versus nurture thing, right? So sometimes what you see becomes a thing you want to covet or you want to have things like that or not things like that. So you build this up in your head. don't want a childhood like this or you do. But I think that's complicated, like you just said.

Tanesha (22:06)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (22:26)
Because I also think there's some people who are like, F this, I don't want no partner. Like I am my own partner and they build their lives accordingly. Like they have companionship, but they have companionship more of a friend companion rather than a romantic one. But in this case, we're talking about relationships and I think it gets.

complicated in that I don't know if I were in that situation. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do this again. I don't know, it takes a lot, takes a lot to consider building your life all over again. And again, I require things to be around me. Now I don't expect you to be perfection because I, you know what saying? But there are things that are not negotiables. But I also would say we grew up,

with our dad and he made sure that I learned how to be flexible in certain things. Like I remember conversations with him, you know, when I started dating my husband and we were arguing about like, I don't know, something stupid. And my father was like, you could be right or you could be happy, but you definitely can't be both.

Tanesha (23:22)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Can't be both.

Kiara (23:37)
And I was like, why not?

Tanesha (23:40)
As they say, pick your poison. Pick what you trying to.

Kiara (23:42)
Right. I was like, why not? He was like,

because. He's like, that's just not how we're built. Fair is not a thing. And I was like, well. So then you pick your.

pick the qualities that are the most important to you. Like, would you prefer to have somebody who is faithful and honest, but they never have a job? Would you prefer someone who is always at work? See, that's your non-negotiable, right? Would you prefer, sorry, the look on your face threw me off. Would you prefer somebody who...

Tanesha (24:05)
Mm. Nah. Mm. Nah. Nah.

Nah, man.

I bet it did, my face was like, wait, what?

Hell no. No, no.

Kiara (24:24)
Would you prefer

someone who does work all the time, is not faithful, instead? Does not pay you any attention?

Tanesha (24:32)
If he's

providing for me in my baby's eyes, you take care of home first, then you go ahead. See you later. I would. If you provided for me, well, see, this is the thing, right? Okay. Why would I want you, right? But I'm saying, but why would I want you to be at home doing nothing and underneath me? And I'm out here working.

Kiara (24:43)
Really? Absolutely not.

for me.

Tanesha (25:02)
What the fuck? Sorry. No. You know why? Well, wait, because this is the problem. Well, see, this is the... Well, okay, you know what? It's a twofold. Because, Because I've had somebody who did nothing. And it was all me. I was the breadwinner of the day. But they cheated. So... You know. Nah. I'm just saying. There's no positives. So anyway. There ain't no positives. But...

Kiara (25:04)
See, but then again, see now you see how we're like diving into that a little bit.

You

Okay, that's just some negatives there. Where's the positive there? Thank you. There's no positives

there.

Tanesha (25:32)
But if you're

working and you bring it home money, and also you are making sure I'm good first, and your household is good first, then go ahead.

Kiara (25:44)
Wow.

Tanesha (25:44)
See you later.

Don't stay out all night. home. See you later.

Kiara (25:49)
Wow, yeah, a nope That ain't how it run over here. Faithfulness, so like you said, that's like your lines.

Tanesha (25:54)
I know, but I mean, I think that's where I'm at

right now in life, right? If you asked me this question maybe 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I probably would have said, well, yeah, I would love you to be underneath me. No, don't want you underneath me all the time. Go outside. See you later.

Kiara (26:12)
understand that, but for me, I think it also,

what matters to you in that moment? Like to me, being committed and being faithful is like a very important part of a partnership. But I also understand like that working thing, oh yeah, that's non-negotiable. I'd be like, this is, we gotta, somebody gotta find it. Unless you pick up all the role at home. Like if you run the house and you take care of the kids and I can be out here in these streets.

Tanesha (26:39)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (26:42)
doing things, maybe that's a partnership that I feel comfortable with, right? So that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I feel like it's some give and take, but I also feel like it depends.

Tanesha (26:46)
Mm-hmm.

Like it's give and take

because because I really I would say I can't be doing everything and you're doing nothing. That's so that's so so that's where it comes in that regard. So I can't be doing everything and you do nothing. Because there's some people out here. Right. Right. So that's why I was saying, no, if you take care of me and make sure I'm good, then yeah, you ain't going to hear nothing out of me because you least take care of what I am asking you to do for me.

Kiara (26:56)
That. Exactly.

and you do nothing. Exactly. But you'd be expecting everything though. You do nothing, but you'd be expecting the world. Yeah.

Tanesha (27:19)
You ain't gonna hear nothing. You will hear something if you are not taking care of me. Then you will hear something. Because there's people out here who will work, don't take care of home, and still go out there and do stuff. And I'm still taking care of the majority of the... Nah, then no. That's unacceptable. Because to me, if you're taking care of me, that is a commitment that we talked about. That is a commitment. Because you're committing to take care of me.

That's how I look at it. But that's also me here now. I could tell you for verbatim that something should happen, but your girl will be single and just living happy over here. That's all I'm saying. ⁓

Kiara (28:02)
Okay, so we're running into these paradoxes of being an

alpha female, right? There's so many give and take, and it's like, obviously you can't have everything. So as you see, we're splitting hairs trying to see which would work, because obviously we've decided that you can't have everything. And I think that is how some people have just come to that conclusion, like you can't have everything.

Tanesha (28:12)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (28:26)
Like they tell you like, you know, you can't have it all. You can't like be successful at work, be successful at home and like have all of that work and seamless energy perfection. Not that I've ever seen it.

Tanesha (28:36)
Well, let's think about it. If we

think about it for one second, All these billionaires.

how many of them are actually happy with everything? Exactly. We should. Cause I guarantee you, they're going to be like, well, I'm like, mm-hmm. Look, what's going on with Bill Gates? Bill Gates and his wife, they sit here. I'm like, girl, what's happening? Girl, I would have been quiet. He has all this money. But there's something, she, but she said, you know, she did. But apparently there's something happening with.

Kiara (28:50)
You wanna take a poll?

Listen, she got plenty of money in the divorce. Plenty.

Tanesha (29:15)
Like, so it's like at some point.

Kiara (29:17)
That's

some Epstein stuff though. That's why they going back and forth a little bit because just to let you know. So he was mentioned in the Epstein finals and she was like, hmm, basically. And he was like, listen, I regret any experience and time that I spent with Jeffrey Epstein. We only went to dinner and talked business ideas. She was like, So someone needs to look further into this.

I was like, listen. So it's not quite as cut and dry.

Tanesha (29:44)
I mean, okay, fine. Well, we have other perfect examples that we could probably sit here and talk about, but I'm just saying those people are probably alphas and they couldn't have it all. I mean, we could talk about, nevermind, we ain't gonna talk about him. Not him in his orange pill bag. Anyway, I digress.

Kiara (29:49)
We do.

Okay, so let's shift gears a little bit. Because I feel like we could go back and forth on this alpha energy. Because it is a paradox. Like how can you make a relationship work if you're an alpha and you have these expectations, these qualifications? Do you get another alpha, but then you'd be fighting for, sometimes you'd be fighting for supremacy, right?

Tanesha (30:17)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm,

that's a good word because I'm like, yeah, sometimes you'd be like nah, it's me. I'm on top you'd be like nah, I know y'all be dead y'all

Kiara (30:30)
Tell me how I know.

Tell me how I know. Or, you know, you don't want to be the beta and you're with the alpha and you're like, listen, so it's just, it's a dance, I feel like, that we're never going to have an answer to right now. I feel like I'd love to bring some people in to talk through this because I have met a lot of women who are like, I am not dating anymore because I have, you know, they achieve alpha female in their life and they just do not want to let in somebody who can cost them.

Tanesha (30:45)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Kiara (31:03)
the

things that they worked really hard for. And then you have some people who give up these kind of like alpha tendencies to go towards the soft girl era. And then as we talked about it and we did a little research, it doesn't seem like a lot out there to make you that praises being an alpha woman, right? There's this like whole movement to be a soft girl where you're more intentional about being gentle, softer, letting other people take the lead.

Tanesha (31:20)
Mm-hmm. It is a whole movement. Mm-hmm.

Kiara (31:31)
being intentional kind of about that. And it feels like a resignation from this alpha energy in some cases. Saying basically I'm not gonna carry all that anymore, I'm not gonna carry the load, I'm just gonna pass some of that along, which I think you kind of said some stuff like that when we were just talking about it now. I agree with you.

Tanesha (31:47)
Yeah, because it's heavy. don't know. Like, it's heavy. Why?

Why? Why should I? If I'm in a partnership, why should I carry all of it on my own?

Kiara (31:58)
I agree with you. I don't think you should have to carry it all on your own. I think it can be exhausting to carry it all on your own. But when we think about the soft girl era, is that a choice or is that a luxury? So is it easy in some cases to choose to be a soft girl if the bills are paid, if you're getting that kind of assistance? Why? Tell me why.

Tanesha (32:16)
Hell no.

because you have to stay there. And if you're alpha, eventually it starts creeping back in and you'd be like, why am I being so awful? What's this? And...

I just don't think it's as easy as it is. I mean, I guess speaking of someone who's trying to be soft, it's not as easy. It's not easy to relinquish, even though we say that's what we want to do. It's not easy to relinquish, especially when you've been doing it all the whole time. ⁓ And then two, like what qualifies as being soft? So some people is being a little bit more feminine, making sure you dress up like,

Kiara (32:51)
Yeah.

Tanesha (33:01)
Excuse me, making sure your vibe is different. That you're, you know, more of a girly girl. Like, that's how I look at it. think when a soft girl is like being a girly girl, like what makes you just...

Feel lighter. Feel prettier. Feel whatever that means. For me, that's what it means to me. To be soft. like, what makes me feel prettier. What makes me just want to relax. It makes me go, okay, like, wow, here I am. I'm all yours. What you need. How can I help you? How can I be your peace today? Sometimes that's a little hard. It's a little hard.

Well, what is it for you?

Kiara (33:45)
Yeah. Not easy, for sure. But I think it leads to what we talked about. I feel like if you have proven that you can take the lead and that you can handle things, I'm happy to relinquish that control. But I also feel like that's not a permanent state of mind.

Tanesha (33:49)
Mm.

Kiara (34:05)
if that makes sense. I feel like that's very situational. There are always going to be some places where I am a soft girl. There's always going to be some places where I am an alpha. At home, I feel like I have to go back and forth as needed. So I'm like, is that an easy thing? No. But I also would argue my husband counts on my alpha energy in some cases. He knows I'm chase down the people for the house.

Tanesha (34:26)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (34:29)
and figure out who's going to handle this repair, that repair. I'm going to put them on a schedule. I'm going make sure all of this is taken care of. And they're going answer to me if they do something wrong. He counts on that. I don't think he would be like, I understand. I'll take care of it. I can honestly tell you there's been a couple of times where I'm like, you should go chase the person. And he's like, but you're the one who has all the information. So why am I chasing them for? He's like, I can't. I can't make it work.

And then sometimes he'll be like, why don't you talk to them? Cause they seem to respond to you because I'm gonna nail you to the wall when I want something and you gonna get it whether you intended to or not. I don't care who you work for or where you go. I'm gonna talk to you until you give me what I want. And I think he counts on the stuff like that. Like he's like, I can, just have my wife do it because she's scary and she gets stuff done. But I also feel like there's times where he's like,

Tanesha (35:17)
Mm.

Kiara (35:26)
Can you just like release relinquish some of that control? Right? I think it's very situational, but I don't think it's also very easy. And in some cases I do feel like it could be a luxury, Because I think when it comes to survival, that's when I'm less likely to be in my soft girl era. I'm a boss by nature. So if I feel like it's my survival at stake or the survival of my family or my...

Lovelines are my stability. I'm a I'm gonna take control of that from top to bottom to make sure we have what we need, but I also think Like I said, you gotta be able to play positions What are you both good at What are you both not good at and hopefully you have a partner who is complimentary and you could just switch off because I absolutely don't know

Tanesha (36:16)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (36:20)
If you ask me about, again, let's talk about this recent ice storm. Now, yes, I have shovel snow, but like, it's been many moons since that was my life story. So when it comes to like knowing what kind of stuff to get to put on the driveway and like the tools that we can use and all of that, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I can ask Google, but I don't have like the wherewithal to make that happen. Where's my husband?

He can make it happen quickly. He's like, you need this, this, and this, this. So for instance, when it came to here's what we need to do to get out of this situation, I'm happy to relinquish the control. Where are we going? What we buying? How are we going to do it? And I feel like, he's earned that. He's earned my trust because he's made sure we were good. So he's earned it long before that. So I think it can be earned, but I also think like a Senate.

Tanesha (37:01)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (37:14)
And it's not, in some cases I do think it's a luxury, like I said, because if it's my survival on the line, I ain't falling back. I'm gonna be in the driver's seat for that. I'm gonna be in the driver's seat. Between survival and like chilling, I can't do that. But.

It can be exhausting having to be in that seat, right? And I think we can be honest and truthful about the fact that's exhausting. And in relationships, it can feel daunting on both sides. I don't think, you know, as a woman, I don't always want to be the one in the driver's seat. I don't always want to be the one who's an alpha. And when I think soft girl, I'm thinking someone who can, like you're saying feminine and things like that. Yes, I do think that's definitely feminine energy.

But I would still again say I have walked the line of that forever. There's times where I'm just a girly girl. I'm a girly girl. Y'all know these things about me. I was like, so I love the soft and the pretty and all of that. But you can find me in a suit and some pants and some jeans and some hoodies at the same point. So I just feel like when I'm saying soft girl, I'm talking about more of the relinquish the control, being more of a follower in some cases.

Tanesha (38:09)
But that's the thing, I'm a tomboy, so...

Kiara (38:31)
and being a support to the other person. That's what I'm thinking about, soft girl. Like you said, let me be your peace But like I said, I feel like it's situational and it should be.

based on your strengths and your weaknesses. Because you should have someone who compliments that and can help you work through what that looks like. I would hate to be in a situation where I have to play either role 100 % of the time, because that's not life.

And it's tiring.

I don't know if one day, chance, in another lifetime, I meet a billionaire and he decides that he wants to sponsor me for the rest of my life. I could consider what that would look like. But I still feel I would have two or three businesses while I'm doing it. Some of us are not built like that, that's all I'm saying.

Tanesha (39:23)
I know.

Kiara (39:23)
I just feel like the soft girl era is everywhere. I'm like, man, you think that's gonna make people be more like that? Like people want to like, I, so do you think the ideal will shift a little bit? Or if it has?

Tanesha (39:28)
Well, I think also, too, people.

Well, I

I mean, I think it has. think people, think, you know what it is, I think this generation is realizing, especially the females, are realizing that some of the guys are not going to go after you. Like we had that experience, but I felt like each generation, especially, I guess, as we were watching our kids and watching them grow up and everything like that.

The.

the desire to date somebody may not be as prominent if you are, like you said, work. Why do I want to date you? You too much. I don't got time for that. And I think a lot of them, because at one point there was an alpha female movement that I don't need no man, I don't need you, I got this, da da da da. And then once you realize, that crown is too heavy by myself. Well.

I think it's time for me to take it off, not take off my crown, but in a way of, yeah, I can't keep saying I don't need you. Because at the of the day, we do need them. And they need us. It's interchangeable. And I think that is probably why the self-girl era.

Kiara (40:43)
to share it maybe.

Exactly.

Tanesha (41:02)
movement has started because now you're realizing well when we were alpha and we like we don't need no man we can do it all by ourselves and then you realize yeah I could do it by myself but why do I have to like why do like why like I'm gonna and there's still people out there that like you said that are just like nah I'm just gonna and those are very unique people

Kiara (41:15)
Right, maybe I don't want to.

Tanesha (41:27)
And those are the people who are really comfortable in their skin and not saying that people who go after relationships are not comfortable in their skin, but it's just, it's different. Like you said, like if you were in a dating pool now, would you be with somebody? I can tell you no, you would have people you talking to, but you would, they would not be in a relationship with you or you wouldn't, or you wouldn't consider them as a, oh, okay.

Kiara (41:49)
You know, it reminds me of that article I read

where they were like, I have my own house and he has his own house. Like, I think that would work. I think as we had our own like space.

Tanesha (42:02)
I mean, listen,

I even thought about that now, like maybe. Like if we have our own space, like, you know. Like, but see, I'm someone who likes to, like, I want to build our house and have it in so many different layers where you can feel like you're somewhere else and not in the house. Just like, I could feel like I'm somewhere else, not in the house. Cause literally the bathroom is my office.

Kiara (42:08)
I mean, we do. I ain't gonna lie.

⁓ ha.

Tanesha (42:30)
I hide from everybody in the bathroom.

So it's like, and so to see, we both hide in the bathroom. We like get out of my office, go somewhere so that be able to.

Kiara (42:45)
I remember those days. remember them well. Or our cars. Like I'm in my car, you in your car.

Tanesha (42:47)
Like, can you leave? Like, I'm just trying to be by myself. Yeah, like I'm trying to be by myself or, or

even like now too. If I'm in the car, you, I could be in the car all day working and doing whatever. When I get home, I sit in that parking lot and I'll be like, scroll, scroll. Oh, let me take a little 20 minute nap. Oh wait. Okay. me get.

Kiara (43:02)
You

Not a nap.

Tanesha (43:10)
Listen, I mean, my kids are younger than yours. I only got one S to say me.

Kiara (43:13)
I've been there. That's all I'm saying. I really

understand. I've been there.

Tanesha (43:17)
So I need like

recharge before I come in. So yeah, if I can build my house, like top to bottom, I've really, matter of fact, I had Jim and I do it. Okay. And that house is amazing. I need to print it out and put it up on the thing. Okay. I was like, it needs to have this, this, this, this, this to where we're not also on top of each other unless we want to be on top of each other. Like I'm very still family oriented, but it's just like,

And we all need our space. Like you be over there, I'll be over here. Like you being your layer, I'll be in my layer. And then, you know, we commence.

Kiara (43:47)
there.

layer?

Not the layer. I I highly recommend. Yes.

Tanesha (43:57)
You what I'm Like you have your office, he got his space.

Kiara (44:01)
I have one more question for you, forgot to

Tanesha (44:04)
Sure, these damn kids.

Kiara (44:06)
If you

were soft for a week, no fixing, no leading, would your world fall apart? Or are you just terrified of what happens if you aren't the one in control

Tanesha (44:20)
Actually, I think I'll be fine. You know why? Because when I was sick last week, I did get up once to like say something. Like, y'all can take y'all asses. But.

Then nah, then it was, he took care of everything. So I think I'd be fine.

and maybe break down on the last day. Like, okay, you get the... I need to control something. I need to manage something. Give me a responsibility. What is this? What do you think?

Kiara (44:52)
I've done

it.

so what I will say is I survived. did it. When I was six, similar to you, he ran the house very well. It was effective. It worked. Everybody survived. Except me from being bored, I felt like, but, you know.

Tanesha (45:06)
Why we gotta be sick for you to take over? That's all I wanna know. Why do I need to be sick? Why can't you? Like.

Kiara (45:06)
worth that just fine. I will tell you because I think that's our comfort zone like

I will tell you that's really funny but I feel like our comfort zone is me running the house and him not.

What's going on? Me running the house and him not is like the comfort zone.

that's a good point. You had a point. You had a point there.

Kiara (45:34)
But I will tell you, he does it now in general. Like right now I'm kind of battling this ear thing. And so he was like, I think I was supposed to cook last week. And he went, he was like, but he walked over there and he told the kids sandwich night and they walked up stairs. And he was like, leave mom alone. Don't bother her. Don't call her. Leave her alone. I was like, aww.

That's so nice. And then he'll call me and boss me around. Did you go to sleep? Did you take a nap?

And my husband's a good one. I appreciate him.

Tanesha (46:05)
When you

say it like that, then I guess in turn there's times too, you're like, yo, your mom's sleeping. No, it ain't important. Go there. What do you want? She's asleep. She's not available right now. Go to her.

Kiara (46:13)
That's right.

See, that's what I mean. Like

having a partner of some sort around to be able to like manage things around you sometimes, like doing things that help you. Everyone should have some kind of support system, one way or the other.

Tanesha (46:32)
Yeah,

for sure.

Kiara (46:36)
Now, I don't know if that's being a soft girl necessarily or just being realizing you're human and you could take a break.

Tanesha (46:43)
I think that's just you realizing you're a human and you can take a break. I think that has nothing to do with being soft. But I do think relinquishing control is being soft.

Kiara (46:44)
Just a thought there.

Okay.

Tanesha (46:55)
No?

Kiara (46:55)
I could understand that.

do, I can understand that. Relinquishing control, being intentional about your space and your wellness and your opportunities. I think it isn't about giving up power, it's just having the power to choose, right? So, like I said, you can play different positions. You don't always have to be one thing. You should not be limited in your experience, essentially, whether you have children or not.

Tanesha (47:10)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kiara (47:22)
You should not be limited in your experience of who you want to be and how you want to show up. And so whether you want to be a housewife by choice or you're forced to do it by necessity, I hope that you get an opportunity to embrace your soft girl era so you know what that feels like. And then you can make an informed decision about whether that's something you want to enjoy or something you don't. But I'm going to give it my 10 out of 10. I do appreciate it. As long as you got the right person, again, to be the soft person with. Make them earn that.

Tanesha (47:36)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (47:52)
And with that we talked a lot today. We did a lot of unpacking this alpha paradox and what it means to be an alpha female and whether the answer is embracing your soft girl era. If that

Tanesha (47:54)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (48:05)
helps you to relinquish that control and the burden that sometimes can come with being out an alpha female I think we ultimately decided it's up to you.

Tanesha (48:19)
Mm-hmm.

Kiara (48:20)
And with that, where can they find us, Tanesha

Tanesha (48:25)
Well, you can find us on iHeartRadio, Apple Music, wait no, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Amazon Audible.

Kiara (48:32)
Okay.

Tanesha (48:34)
YouTube music.

Kiara (48:36)
Pocket, pocket.

Tanesha (48:38)
Pocket Podcasts. Did I say I radio? If I not, I say it again, I heard radio. I did not say Spotify. Actually, I haven't said Spotify in a while. Spotify.

Kiara (48:42)
Do you Spotify?

That's what happens

when you take enough time off. You just forget where you defined us. We also want to remind you to hit that subscribe button or wherever you are listening to us right now, whether you're seeing us or just hearing our voices. We want you to be in the know and join our squad, right? Make sure you join our Facebook group where you can get these day after recaps of my raw recaps. You don't want to miss those.

Tanesha (48:53)
Yeah.

Kiara (49:15)
Sorry with the extra spot of spice. And then we might be doing some more. You'll have to stay tuned to find that. And then also don't forget to check out our Patreon because where else can you get an email letting you know where we go live? I mean, where else can that happen? That's it for the most part. Also, you'll get behind the scenes clips, information, our newsletters are on Patreon. Also our recipes for our midnight confessions truths now. As reminder.

Tanesha (49:38)
I know.

Kiara (49:43)
This week, Midnight Confessions is back. And this one's special, Tanisha. You gotta tell them.

Tanesha (49:48)
Well, it's special because we are doing a preview to the Super Bowl and why I'm so excited, because I love football. And we're going to tie in a little bit of wrestling in there too. We're going to give you a little trivia so you don't want to miss it. And you definitely don't want to miss.

Kiara (50:18)
It up tomorrow at 9 p.m. I'm excited.

Tanesha (50:26)
I'm excited

Kiara (50:26)
And

you can follow us because I don't want you to forget you can do that. You can follow us on Twitter or X. You can follow us on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on threads because yes, you want to know where our newest clips are. We talk about a lot of stuff and in case you can't catch up, visit us at MainEventMamasPodcast.com because that's where all of our content lives, including our True Crime Podcast, which will be coming back shortly. We haven't forgotten. It'll be back.

Tanesha (50:53)
Nope,

I'll be back.

Kiara (50:54)
We're just a little busy. Little busy.

And with that, I want to say, we're not new to this.

Tanesha (51:03)
We're so true to this. And this was Main Event Mamas. Well, see y'all later.

Kiara (51:07)
Whoop