Birthday Milestones & Black Women & Friendships, are we set up to fail?

Speaker 2 (00:02.039)
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Speaker 2 (00:51.312)
I got a suplex for the drama, for the stress, flipping scripts, yeah. We do what's the best, goals, what's next on the list? Life's a match, and we never miss.

Well, hello. That was such an abrupt. I was jamming. My name is Hello. I'm Kiara. And I'm Tanesha And you are now entering the sister chat. Welcome to Main Event Mamas. Hey. Woo-hoo. And we're back this week on our parenting adulting-ish. Like, we decided to bring you back to our typical fair and talk about some things.

So first let's talk about how your week's going. How's that going? I mean, it's close. I think yours takes the cigar, it's been close. It's been close, especially today. know. It's fighting for my life. Fighting for my life. I miss you so here. Yeah, I just had the realization two seconds ago that neither one of my kids

that I don't recall anyone telling me except the girl child that they were staying after school.

Speaker 1 (02:06.926)
So yeah, that's kind of weak. I'm clearly having And speaking of which, it'd be a devastating moment to hurt the boy child considering his birthday is tomorrow. So someone's gonna be at his big birthday. It's gonna be 18. One tear drop, dramatically falls from my right eye. Great, slow, slowly. need to that. Oh, slow, slow, slow, sorry, sorry.

There we go. can't believe I'm gonna wake up tomorrow. Someone needs to throw some water on me. I don't know when that happens, but it's a big birthday, right? Like, I'm excited, but I'm nervous because...

You know, you remember when you were 18 and you thought you were grown, you know what saying? I mean, I definitely thought I was grown. thought I could do whatever. Because you know why? That's the society. They make you, when you turn 18, they're like, you're an adult. And you're like, yeah, I'm an adult. And then you'd be like, but you're not an adult because you're still living at home and the only bill you pay is your phone.

Speaker 1 (03:18.51)
No. Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna say you're wrong. I definitely am not like that. That was not. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:38.126)
Yeah, that's probably the only thing that I'm thinking about. I was sitting here really trying to like emphasize this and I was like, I don't know what other bills I might've been paying at this time, but I'm gonna put money on you being right there. I mean, all I know is all I want.

Speaker 1 (03:57.656)
So definitely, like it's a big birthday. So I'm not really, like you said, like phone bills were all I had to worry about. I'm pretty sure that's where he is too. I mean, you know, if I had to say, it's not like I wasn't driving. So he's not driving yet. Cause that would be a bill he'd have to figure out on my phone. Like, I got to not be any problem. I mean, I knew I wanted to get out the house. I wanted.

as quickly as I can leave, I wanted to leave. But that's for other reasons. And I did want to drive, why would want to take the bus? I took the bus, but I grew up on the bus. I know. I grew up on the bus too and the train. I mean, I'm from New York, so everything. But it was still like, if I can go pick up my peoples and we ride around, why not? That's how I felt. Wow, that was even in my.

Yeah, also shows we were on two different trajectories and hence why dad did not want you to come to NYU. Yeah, eventually, right? Like, I still not want to get in the car and go for, OK, I see what you're saying. But this kid is not like that. Yeah, right. He's you. The whole child is the one we're going to be worried about. And so we were like, no driving for you, just that. I don't know what we're going to do with that one. But there will be no driving in immediate futures. Absolutely not. I don't know. We're still working through that.

Obviously this new chapter is a little scary, right? Like I gotta get him. We talked about college and now he has to get a real job job instead of like, know, skedaddling around the house, doing stuff for us around the house. And so I'm like, geez, but makes you a little emotional, right? He had a baby 18 years ago and he's not. I'm about say you were pregnant 18 years ago, had a baby 18 years ago. That's a lot.

I mean, I was pregnant 18 years ago too, but he ain't 18 yet, so. Just okay. Unlike you, I'm not gonna blubber myself.

Speaker 1 (06:01.358)
Not just saying, not like me, blubber. You know what? I'm very extra emotional and sensitive to these things, okay? Yeah. You know, makes us different. Yeah. You know? I'm not gonna do that. Not at least yet. I have other things to be blubbering about. got time. I know. But you know, the bubbler, the bubbler, the blubberer. The blubberer. The blubberer.

will be when he goes away to college, when he graduates. That is where you are going to do the blah, blah, blah, blah. Have time. Have time to consider that. You have time. Yes, you do. But it's not as much. Yours is graduations earlier than mine.

Speaker 1 (06:45.752)
You're gonna make me cry now. no. OK. All right. I'll take it back. I'll take it back. Anyway, in that case, let's move on. OK, before we get started, because you know, I just started talking today and forgot to remind you that this is your moment to hit that subscribe button. You might notice that we look a little different today. We're on a different streaming platform. We're trying out a new one. We'll let you know how that goes. If we're back on the other one next week, you know what happens. You might have caught our live recently.

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We're going to have a real good conversation today about something that has been troubling my spirit. OK. OK. And so.

excuse me while I scroll up. So I realized this, I was thinking about this the other day is that.

Speaker 1 (11:01.11)
Notice.

As I've gotten older, my friend groups have kind of diminished a little bit, right? Like it's hard to make new friends as you get older, because you're not, you know, stationary with your people. Or if you're like me, work remotely or you move to a new city or whatever may happen, but it naturally starts to slow down on, you know, the friendships level. And then I just got to thinking. How many black women do I know who have friend groups?

Mmm.

Speaker 1 (11:38.498)
was interesting because remember I went to a women's college right? A lot of them I'm still cool with to this day but I noticed like we didn't have the same some of the other people who were in our age group and it's a different dynamic because I went to a women's college right so that's a little different so we went through you know some different kind of experiences together in a sense of like sisterhood and rah rah and learning about empowerment and learning about our gifts separately.

also happened to notice, like when I was talking to other people who went to different colleges of other heritages, ethnicities, that their friend groups seemed to be like forever. They were like, I have friends for 30 years, 40 years. I'm like, do I have a friend from like 40 years, 30 years ago, 20 years ago? Sort of, probably about 20, I give it. We don't live near each other. We're about like,

States away, but I'm still my homie. But like, I noticed there's a difference in how often friendships develop. And even when you try to make new friends, I find that for me in particular, trying to make friends who happen to be black women, it's harder for me. And it got to me thinking like, what is it? What could be a contributing factor to that?

Why is it hard? Is it the thought that there is some kind of competition? But then I got to thinking, not just me, like other people I knew, right? Because I was like, it could be a Chiara thing. It could be. I don't want to go out there and act like I'm perfection because I can be special sometimes. get it. But even my family members, most of them don't have friends from way back.

I didn't see no, it was like no new friends. I was like, that's so weird, right? Because there's other people you run into, they've been hanging out for 30 years. Like this is the sisterhood of the traveling pants. You know what saying? Like think that kind of stuff. And so I was like, what is it? What is it that when you often outgrow new friends, it becomes even difficult to build another set of friends, especially.

Speaker 1 (14:03.18)
when it feels like for me as a black woman. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it felt like it's even harder to make more friends. And I am a very friendly person, Very. Strangers come up to me in stores.

Not black women. Older black women, now we be. We have some kind of unspoken language. I don't know. But people my age, no. And so it really started to trouble me of like, what is it about our friendships that often causes them to fail?

Now there are some that succeed. So I'm not saying this is an end all be all, but I'm curious, like what are some of the pressures that can cause maybe friendships among black women to be difficult? And then it got me thinking again more about like why. So I wanted to unpack that a little bit. I just want to have a discussion about the challenges facing black women who are trying to cultivate friendships, long-term friendships even.

And you notice even the way we're depicted in media, but we'll get to that later. one of my questions, is it the pressure of being a strong Black woman that makes vulnerability and seeking help feel impossible? Could that be one of the things that can contribute to not really seeking out new friends or friends in general, because you're just like, I'm good and I don't need the support, or you don't want anyone in your business?

Speaker 1 (15:41.012)
I I think that could be a possibility.

I know for me that I don't think that's my issue, but I think it can be. Bro, ooh, it's goody. Like even like watching certain people's clips or like, you know, and them like trying to get their friend groups or if we're looking at even, I think friends are just different too. And I'm not sure if it is because of us growing up.

Speaker 1 (16:16.238)
that your time for nonsense is different. Like sometimes you're not, I think everyone grows apart and people don't know how to come back together. Yeah. Or, know, life happens, right? So.

I feel like my circle of friends that I had in high school and college, I know if I call at least two of them for sure, if I call them and say, yo, really need that, they will do something. But when it comes to hanging out, I think the problem is we don't hang out with each other.

Doesn't make sense what I'm saying. As you get older, I think that's normal though, right? Like I would argue, like for instance, for me, see again, my situation is a little different because when I had kids, I had kids in my early twenties, right? So most of my friends is out there, you too, right? But most of my friends who are out there in their streets living their best life and nobody else is having children. Absolutely. And you're like, right. And now that we are out here like, all right, well, we ready. They're like, I had kids already. Or I'm still, you're like,

it's not fun now that you got... Yeah, they got kids who are pregnant and you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. It my kid is 12. I got other problems, but that doesn't mean you cut them off. But I often wonder like, is it that pressure though? Because for me, I feel like I've seen that. I've kind of seen it in my life and my world that you do have to be the strong person.

So it is often very difficult to show that like, yeah, okay. It took me a long time to be able to like show like that kind of level of crack, I think. And when I say crack, I mean like a fracture in the facade. okay, okay, okay. I don't mean crack as well. like, care about the No, no, no. I didn't think you meant that. It was just, guess I'd never heard it from that perspective. So I was like, wait, hold on.

Speaker 1 (18:18.926)
Cause guys we talked every day. So it's not like, you know, we've never had these type of conversations. So with her saying crack, was like, crack and where? What are you, who did that? Okay. So yes. And the facade that you have to keep the persona that you put out. That's right. And so I will say that maybe that is one of the things. Cause even when I see people at the gym or I see people like, we don't say hi, you know what I mean? Like, and why is that? What is that?

that keeps you from like making even.

people, I don't even know what the word is right now. I don't wanna say peers, yes, acquaintances, people that you see all the time. There is a guy I see at the gym all the time. We never spoke, but with men, it's a different thing. It's like, with women, you need to be a little bit more intentional of like, hey, da da da da da, this is my name, what's your name? Whereas dudes are like, and that's it, you don't really have to.

hold a conversation, tell your life story. Like you just roll through it. And a part of that is growing up with guys, right? But I would also say that I just think it's hard and I don't know why. And then another thing that came to mind was this competition and comparison factor, right? So like when you look at another woman and say you are appreciating like her body or her shoes or her hair or her nails, it can

immediately sometimes be taken as, why you looking at me? Instead of like, I was just, I really like this or whatever. And for me, I tell you, I'm like, girl, you was doing it with that hair, with the shoes. I will tell you, because I'm like, I just, if you catch me staring, I will tell you exactly what I'm looking at. Because I want you to be proud, because you caught my attention. And this is not an easy thing to do when we are out and about. But it does.

Speaker 1 (20:21.804)
But again, it brings to mind that kind of question. Like there does often a scene to be like this competition. It's like something perpetuates a sense of like, there's not enough for all of us. And so there is this weird sense of competition. And I don't think it's necessarily only between black women, but I'm only talking about that experience right now. I just want to be clear that y'all are like, this happens with other people. Yes, I know. But I'm talking about my reality.

as a black woman and wondering how all of this is kind of manufactured, I feel like. Because I feel like when I have met women in the workplace,

We were, it was easier to like sometimes make acquaintances and sometimes not. If that makes sense. Like I know definitely my first impressions of some people were like, ooh. Like that lady does not like me. And then later I would find out, oh no, I thought you were great. I just didn't say it. And you're like, well, you should have said something. I didn't know you wanted me to say anything to you. Yeah. At all.

But I think.

Why? That just begs the question to me. What is that about? What is the sense of like competition or competitiveness? Could that be a contributing factor to why it may be difficult to have some of these friendships? Because you see some of those same tropes perpetuated in the media. When you think about the Cardi B and the Nicki Minaj situation, I'm not getting into all of that, but not just that. When you think about things that have happened throughout time, multiple people, it's like, if you are

Speaker 1 (22:07.256)
beautiful and black, we're going to pit you against someone else who is also beautiful and black. Now again, I know this happens with other people, as I said, but I'm only talking about that woman at this time.

Because I feel like for us, it's especially important to form this kind of sisterhood and this sense of camaraderie and support because of all the things that we face that may be slightly different than other people. But in our community, it seems to just be difficult. Or is it just my perspective? I mean, no, it's not your perspective. I mean, it definitely has been.

something our community has been plagued with in essence, because what ends up happening is if it's not us putting up against each other, it's someone else putting us up against somebody, another. So someone else is putting us against each other in a way of proving ourselves and our self-worth to be even in, sometimes to be in somebody's circle or to be able to

Speaker 1 (23:22.872)
feel safe enough that I can work along with you, know that we're equals and it's not about a power struggle, right? So I can just talk about my example at work, right? There was a handful of black females at my job, majority of them, white and Hispanic, but the ones that were black,

we try to latch onto each other. But also there still was one who would be like, Like there was one person I thought she was stuck up. So was like, I can't really talk to you. Then once we finally started talking and they took the pandemic for that to actually happen, then it was like, you actually cool. They look like, you're actually cool. Now granted, are we friends till this day outside of work?

No. And that's sometimes I feel like that's the other issue. People just, we're work friends and that's it. See you later. Peace out. Meanwhile, while you're at work, you have sometimes the most valuable relationships, but then you just want to keep it at work when sometimes some of those relationships should start mentoring outside of work and actually just seeing, you know, cause clearly you can't just have this good partnership and good friendship at work, but it's not going to work outside of work.

Like sometimes that's where people find friends is places you wouldn't think of. Yeah, at work, especially as we get older, right? So you were saying as we get older, most of our friends are coming from work if it wasn't from school. And if we're not in school anymore, like none of us are going out here in these streets randomly talking to somebody, hey, how you doing? What's your, what's your, wow, okay. And, and now I'm gonna change my number. No, cause now that's like, why am I changing my number?

But see, it's also the cultural, you don't do that anymore. Like, no. You can get my Instagram before you can get my number. But that's the other thing. You can't get my Instagram before I'll get yours. You can't get mine. Hence why now I have a page. So now I don't care if you get mine or not. But I mean, I think it's definitely competitive, especially if it was competitive in school. Because remember, even too, like, right, you went to an old girl's school.

Speaker 1 (25:50.67)
Let's just think about if we like the ones who go to Harvard or go to Yale or go to all these other type of schools. Yes, they have black people there, but it's not like not a whole bunch of them. It's a whole not a whole bunch of them. So now y'all are already competing with each other in school because now I have to show that I'm the smartest one. Even though technically we both are smart because we both got here. Right. And not trying to, you know,

blend the things that we learn together. So I'm going to say this competition for sure. Why there's a competition? It could be also families, right? So there's some cultures that be like, no, you have to be the smartest in a room and that person ain't this and this, that, and talk about people. So now you have that already in your notion that I'm going be, I'm already smarter. You don't know nothing. And now it trickles down to everything else, right?

And even sometimes the shows that we watch, portray certain people against the other person, the females against the other females, right? Like we can even talk about Scandal, me you both watched Scandal. Carrie Washington's character when she went up against Valola Davis, that scene is iconic. But also it was like, y'all both going at each other right now? Like why y'all both- That's a good one.

Right? Because they both were beating their chests. It was like, see what I can do. Black women, like, who reigns supreme? Right? And that's how it was kind of pitted against each other, who's going to reign supreme. But I feel like that happens a lot with necessarily other people. I know that it perpetuates a lot with our demographic. Right? Like, I'm like, why? Because.

Let's take it back to that Kerry Washington and Viola Davis and those awesome shows. I to be my Thursday thing. That was our Thursday thing. Well, I didn't get away with murder. could never get into that show. But yes, I get it. Anyway, that's another story. We're going to hit the whole thing. I don't know why. But I do remember I was so excited for those characters to interact. To me,

Speaker 1 (28:14.03)
it brushed me the wrong way during their interaction initially, because I was like, Why is it friction? Right. What's the competition? You guys are in two different worlds, ultimately. Kerry Washington is more of a fixer for government-type, political-type things. So you're around each other in the same hemisphere, but not necessarily in the same exact space. I'm like, you're a lawyer.

Like you're teaching at law school, like this is not, you deal with more criminal activities rather than like, you know, political implication type things. So it was, it was weird, but that, that actually leads us to our next conversation, right? So this is this rivalry type thing we've seen multiple times, like you said, certainly in art, in the sense of just, you know, what we just talked about scandal and how to get away with murder and often the comparison to those ratings.

But we were talking about it, you know, even recently in our love for wrestling and the big three, right? So when we were talking about Jade and Bianca Belair and Naomi and why sometimes it felt hard, like it was hard to see them as a trio and everyone was kind of waiting for them to turn on each other. And it was just kind of like, why can't we just be three powerful sisters versus why is it one has to turn on the other?

I'm wondering kind of what that looked like. So does that reflect real life? Again, is this reflecting real life or is this really just a stereotype that's continuing to be perpetuated? Because what I would argue is that it's a little bit like of both, right? Because what we just talked about, it's hard to develop a sisterhood. A true sisterhood. A true sisterhood, right? Based on, like you said, different competing backgrounds, different experiences. Sometimes if you are in

the certain areas, you're the only black person in the room. So you're naturally going to feel like you're in competition with anyone else they bring in, younger, smarter, whatever. You're naturally going to feel that way because you're trying to protect your spot. But it also feels like that's a construct. Like it was created because instead of making room for more people, they're saying there's only this spot and you two have to find it out or whatever for it. Which again,

Speaker 1 (30:36.184)
I'm guessing what I'm saying is like, again, in this wrestling business, when you're looking at it, why can it not be the same way it is for other people where there's multiple people up here? You have Roman and you have CM Punk and you have Seth Rollins and you have Brock Lesnar. You have all these different people, but it's like.

Speaker 1 (31:00.822)
You're not one fighting for that one space the same way, if that makes sense. Like they can say all of your names and it be okay. Why can't we do the same thing with women?

Well, this is the one thing I can also say too. W.

Speaker 1 (31:23.662)
It's an allergy. I saw it.

I was going to say, we have it.

Speaker 1 (31:37.454)
because they don't want me to say what I'm about to say. The damn universe. We have not seen two black women hold the WWE Women's Championship. And what's the other one called? I forgot what the other one's called. Is that the Undisputed Women's Championship?

I wish I could tell you, I don't know the different names. Okay, so even when it has SmackDown and Raw. Thank you. Women's champions. One belt, one belt, one title, so I'm always like that. Because I think one's the world and one's the, I'll tell you in a minute, go ahead. But we also have not seen two hold at the same time. We've teased it, but it's never happened. Meanwhile, the Beckys and the Charlottes can have them.

The Nicole, I mean, Nicole's, who's Nicole? I don't even know. You talking about Nikki Bella? Who's Nicole? I know, that's why I said where did Nicole come from? I guess I was thinking about Nicole's I'm sorry, Nikki, I didn't know we knew you in real life. didn't know we knew you in real life either. And I really wasn't even talking about you, because at that time it was the Divas Championships. No one I'm trying to understand what's happening. I I'm just talking about when the titles split. When the titles split, we did not have.

to black women hold them, especially when we had two, oh, hello. Hold that thought while I close my door. I know where it is. All right, so I got your answer. It's the Women's Championship and the Women's World Championship. See, this is the thing that a little bit annoys me about these, is I have the same problem when I think about the other two titles. I'm like, is it done?

and disbeated other world title and then.

Speaker 1 (33:43.256)
Heavyweight world title. But even too, if we think about the NXT, there's never been, and we have enough black women wrestlers, there's never been when all three of them has held the top of the king championships, queen championships, right? No one's have all held it together. Now how we had tag teams, yeah, how we had tag teams and-

No, because even if we had tag team, I think it was only one time, was it's Mercedes or for me, know, it's Sasha. Did she have the tag team and she was fighting for the belt? Did she actually get the belt? I don't remember. Wasn't she Sasha Two Belts? She was Sasha Two Belts. That's probably what started the whole collection anyway. So she was. But I'm still saying, but then even on the other side, we didn't have another person.

And it's also to bring back the- I was correct. Yes, okay. And also to bring back what you were saying about Bianca, Jade, and Naomi, I'm about to call her Trinity. Girl, I know we don't know each other like yet, but hopefully we both. But-

Speaker 1 (35:03.52)
And you're right, everyone was waiting. It was like a toss up. You had us like, yes, we got three strong Black women together, yeah. But then we were also secretly like, so when the shoe gonna drop? When? Because we've never been taught, but that's the thing. That's what I think it takes us back. We've never seen a solidarity like that at the top, right?

Like I don't even know if we had, I'm pretty sure we have with African-American men, like even before nation of domination, I'm sure there was like, mean, yeah, potentially opportunities. can't, I am not a wrestling historian, so don't even quote me at all. But to go on you're right, I don't feel like that was the case in mainstream, at least from what I remember. I don't feel like that was the case. And even like, if we take it back, okay, even when.

well, say, formerly known as Sasha, right? And Bianca were fighting for the championship. That was the first time there was two women fighting for the championship in the main event. Right. And that was such a big moment for them that they knew that that was happening, which also shows

that we are being taught, and just to touch on a part of what we're being taught, because I even sat here and thought about it even with my daughter, right? As growing up, in essence, girls are jealous. Other Black girls are jealous of the other Black girl if her hair is prettier, or if it's straighter, or if it's something like we're always taught an envious bone in our body of another Black female versus celebration.

Right? Even if we're not taught, like we have to break it ourselves and be like, no. But even sometimes too, they be mean you because they jealous. Cause they don't got what you got. And I've caught myself saying that too. And I have to think about it. Like we are doing these generations passed down, right? Of teaching each other that we're going to be jealous of each other. That we're not going to be able to celebrate each other. That we're not going to like, you know,

Speaker 1 (37:16.576)
everybody's not created equal. You're not like, she's more like, I'm beautiful and you're not because my hair is this way or your hair is that way or my skin is a little bit lighter because even colorism comes in play into that too, right? So colorism comes in play where the people are taught like my skin. I have a better chance of getting into certain, certain doors that my beautiful sister wouldn't be able to get into those doors.

So she has to fight a little bit harder to be able to get into those doors versus maybe I won't. And that's something that we've learned and that keeps getting passed down and down.

And some people are trying to change it and some people are not. Some people are like, it's really not that deep. And it's like, of course it's not that deep because you don't experience it or you don't know people who do experience it. But that also plays a part. I feel like that plays a part in the workplace. plays a part in friendships. feel like because to have a true sisterhood is to accept. Yes. And elevate each other. Because I want to say not just celebrate, like accept. Like I can accept you for who you are, but I should also feel like

Hey, we need to get on this wavelength of up here. So come with me, we're gonna do it together. And that's the other issue. People wanna either keep you down here. Or they start seeing you elevate a little bit and they're down here and they can't figure it out. Now they're like, you're leaving behind. you think you better than me. And that's where all that starts coming in because.

Speaker 1 (38:53.134)
It's just something that's taught and that nobody wants to break or no one they talk about they want to break, but then they don't break and they're quick to do it. You know what saying? And even like, even in the storylines that we're watching, the storylines that we're watching on TV, it's just continue putting that perceptive, that perception out that we can never be on an equal playing field. Right. So some of it's reality, but, it's also the constant pretty much being taught.

thrown back at us that this is what it is. Right. Because I'm trying to think, I'm like, definitely growing up, well, my mom grew up with all sisters. So there was that sense of competition, but it was like sibling rivalry, right? But

remember some of those same lessons growing up. Like was the only one in my mom's house who was a girl, but with dad, I was not. I was directly in the middle, right? So.

That was a weird shift too, in learning how to navigate that differently, to understand how to have sisters and not really be competitors. And I do think that is a learned behavior and maybe a behavior that I would say is passed down foundationally, generationally, that may have come from further back, right? When you talk about colorism, when you talk about

a lot of that like for survival, the survival of the fittest and at the time where being black was considered the worst thing you could be, then you did what you had to do to get the best life that you could, right? And if that meant bumping somebody out the way or trying to be higher than somebody else, you're going to do that, right? Because again, it takes you back to kind of that survival, survivalist mentality. So I'm wondering if maybe like,

Speaker 1 (40:43.95)
this is not something we're gonna solve in a day, but I definitely think it's worth talking about because it just made me ponder this. was like, how do we shift that? How do we shift this perception that we have to be competitors with people who we need to be building camaraderie and friendship and sisterhood, especially in a world like this where being different is not always celebrated.

And being a minority is not something that gets you ahead or gets you an E. If anything, it can hurt you a lot more in different areas in which you find yourself. And then like what I would argue is that even in lot of the jobs that I've had, I've been the only black person, certainly the only black women in the room, right? So how do we go about changing that? One of the things that I did learn from someone who I worked with and I kind of helped bring into a company I worked with.

I mean, I was the only black person on that team at the time until she came and she became my bestie immediately. Like, I don't know what it was between us. There was never a sense of competition, never anything. And that was so refreshing to me because it was just like, that's my girl. And it never felt like we had to compete about anything. And I found that there was power in having somebody who got you.

Like you saw things before I saw it or we saw it together. I can help you get through some things and you can help me get through something. But I definitely feel like at times we were pitted against each other by the management team or by the people ahead of us. Cause they wanted to see who would be better. But again, what made them think that was okay. Knowing that we had two different skillsets, we were not equal footing, right? I was much more senior than her at the time.

But again, it got me thinking like, how do we cultivate this like reality where that starts to decline a little bit, that we really start to build these bonds between, culturally between people and our same demographic, because A, we're going to need it. And B, I think it helps fortify like our sense of community, feel like was stripped away. We really want to get down to the nitty gritty.

Speaker 1 (43:09.838)
Oh, for sure. And it keeps them from trying to get stripped away. And I feel like the truth is, the more we can tear you apart, the better we are. Because ultimately, it means that you can't pull yourself together and therefore become a force. So the only way to dismantle something that is initially very strong together is to break it down before it even starts. So I think.

If I think about the beginnings of stuff like this, that had to be where it kind of came from ultimately, right? If we can scatter this, if we can make these foundation, these cultural bonds impossible to find, then you can't build them. And then we're going to pit you against each other. So like on a foundational.

And I think this is why a lot of things have happened in the world that they are now. And a lot of people do feel alone because who understands what you're going through? Why are you both competing for the same man? You know what mean? Like things that just happen so much. And again, I know this doesn't just happen with black women, but again, it does primarily, if you were to listen to the media, primarily happens in our communities. We be fighting for these deadbeats out here. And I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't.

That's a thing that is perpetuated throughout that. So to think about solving it, or at least starting to address it.

How could we do that? Like, I know it's a big ass, but like, what are some steps that we could take to try to reinforce that? And I will say like perpetuating that even with my daughter, like, you have friends who happen to be like you. Like, I am always after her about making friends who are black because she can make friends with anyone, but she seems to shy away from it. And I think that's from a media perspective because

Speaker 1 (45:08.92)
There's no other reason for that to have been. Like we've been, she's grown up in mixed schools her entire life. So I'm like, why would that be the thing you ran away from? I don't get it. I'm confused. I mean, it definitely has to be the media for sure. I just thought about something while you were talking, our baby brother. Remember what our baby brother told us? He was never going to date a black woman because of us.

I don't remember this conversation. Tell me why you said that. He said that because of, guess, us how we were allowed, obnoxious. Not everybody. know. that's how, so, I mean, granny, he has broadened his horizon. He's definitely dated a Black woman and all these other things. And he said it was a great experience. He said, must repeat. Must repeat. You know what saying? But ultimately.

I'm saying that it's also the media. We didn't have media back then, but it was us. He had his perception of his sisters who, you know, it was always a good time with us. We had, there were still- We did. There was still TV, but it wasn't like how it is now. Well, you mean the reality greatness? Right, right, right. It's not how it is now. Cause even back then we had real world. had- Listen, real world. That was the joint. We all wanted to be on real world.

But. That was not my story. Oh, that was not my story. I definitely wanted to be a real world. But. I'm glad that I didn't get cast on that and did not sign up for it and did not. Oh my God, because with my luck, I would have got cast on that show and be trying to live down stuff years later. Nope. That's true, that's that's true. But that's what they had. And then we had music videos, right? I mean, listen, I'll never forget when our dad got in his feelings once we started liking White Boys.

And he kept pushing immature on me. Like, why can't you like the black? I said, because they talking about some stuff that I ain't ready for, okay? They moving to a whole different ball game. I'm not in that ball game yet, okay? Even though I'm pretty sure now as adults we like, if you love me, gotta be me. Okay, well maybe you were, but you saw set up a little bit different. I believe I should. I do.

Speaker 1 (47:32.718)
But I I put it out there as in like, what we can probably do is definitely encourage the good groups and accepting people for who they are. Now I'm not saying everyone should be friends, because there's some people out here that we should not be friends with because- I agree. You were- We the same values, right? about to say it, so you weren't brought up with manners. Right. We might not share the same values. That's a whole different conversation.

I mean, you know what, just another thought popped in my head, because I read something, I'm how true this is, but someone got kicked out their friend group because they were saving money. They were being frugal with their money, but they were looking good though. And they were saying that they pretty much, and this is a black girl group, black group, friends group, and they were all making the same amount of money.

But because she valued having her car, whatever her first car was, her first Benz was, and it may not have been the newer model. And everyone else is pretty much keeping up with Joneses. So I had the new this, new that, and got me a new Gucci purse and all this stuff. And the other person was like, I'm getting this discounted. I have a Gucci purse, but.

I'm going be outside. I'm to go get my eyes from the wholesaler. And if that's Sheen, that's Sheen. And if my outfit is Sheen, the longs, I match it right. What does it matter? And clearly, they were mattering. So it was like, well, girl, that is the group that you don't need to be in because those are not your friends. Right. Because you don't need be same values, Right? That's what I think is the thing we have to emphasize, too. I think a part of it is that stereotype. So I think, like you said, like,

letting people know it's okay to be friends with people who are like you, but also to emphasize it's about values and not necessarily about looks, right? Like don't let the stereotypes steer you away from people like you because you think you're, like what I think it is, and I was talking to my daughter about this, is I was like, you think you're the only black girl who's like this, that you like things that not traditionally liked by others.

Speaker 1 (49:55.854)
There's plenty of them that are out And I was like, that is false. And I can tell you, because I grew up that way, right? Like, was like, I was a black girl who liked wrestling, didn't see too many of us out there. I didn't want to wear makeup, didn't see too many of us out there. Wasn't boy crazy, didn't see too many of us out there. But my friends, I mean, no comment, anyway, over there. But my friends were all different, right? And that didn't bother me. It just meant that I wasn't like them.

I appreciated having that variety level of friends. And my mom kept me pretty locked down so I couldn't do nothing anymore. But I knew what the opportunities would be if I wanted to venture out in one of those other places. But it also allowed me to get to know different types of people and to appreciate them too. So I'm like, what I think is important is to really start to like make those stereotypes less important.

by actually bringing more reality to what you see and maybe building up more opportunities for them to meet other people like them. Like this has been on my mind a lot. Like how do I encourage her to meet more people like her? Because even we did Girls on the Run, we did lots of stuff, but she still didn't, they still didn't necessarily like gel. And a part of that I think was also, again, like the competitive spirit. Like she was a bigger kid.

She's happy, she's bouncy, she's a little like free with her hugs and her thoughts and her feelings and she lights up and that can turn some people off. Not many people, but some people, especially if that's not something you gel with. And I think that sense of like, I'm not gonna gel with them kind of turned her off from seeing more opportunities. Cause I was like, your mom's black woman, you love me.

We're not the same. Does that not count? Does that not count? There can't be other people like me or like you. I'm like, meet different people all over the world who are different and look different. And I have friends of all different cultures. But I also think it's important specifically for black women to be friends with other black women, to build community with other black women. Cause there are just certain things that you're going to experience.

Speaker 1 (52:21.238)
and you're going to feel and you're going to interact with on a daily basis that's unique to your situation and your culture and the things we face that way. So I feel like certainly for one, encouraging more interaction, but also I think like,

it's our responsibility at a large to create media and art that don't necessarily perpetuate all the negative aspects either, right? Like not all of us are conniving people. I had to back up. Not all of us are, you know, these materialistic type of people or not all of us seem are captured as being promiscuous or

too overly spiritual. Like there is not, there is a realm of range on all of us as people. And I just think being able to showcase more of that is super important too. So I think maybe introducing them to, you know, other people, other groups, creating some more groups where people can form community around things that they like, hobby, interest. So they don't necessarily feel like.

Like my kids like anime, I do not, but they do. And their father loves it. He's also black. He doesn't think so, but he is. And so it was a day like.

Speaker 1 (53:56.718)
that I think is an inability. Why are you laughing? Who does it? Where? You were to ask me. If you saw how you said it and how you said it, so you just say it regular. And it was one of those like, well, he does it. He does it. It is very funny. will tell you. mean, if you ask him, he's an Islander. That's his answer. I'm like.

you

Speaker 1 (54:25.518)
Okay, let's tell you, he's Asian. I mean, he was born.

Whether it was an Asian, his race is black. brother-in-law had you, but you lost me. That's why we leave him where he is. We leave him. Sure. Wait, hold on. I have to say something. Don't you have an appointment?

I have a kid to pick up.

Speaker 1 (54:55.404)
Okay. It was so good. We still got more to go. Okay. With that, this is my reminder to you. We had a lot to cover and clearly we have way more to cover. So this is just a- I next time we may add people in here, have a little bit more for the conversation, I think. Yes. I feel like this is just the intro conversation and we're to have to invite some people in.

I want to talk to some historians. I want to have like a deep seated conversation about this. I, feel like we've touched on a lot of That's not like that's going to be a deep conversation. It's not going to be a midnight confessions. It's going to be a real daytime confession because I need to clear and sober during that conversation. So with that, we want to remind you that this is your opportunity to hit that subscribe button. we covered a lot today, mostly all about a lot of things about sisterhood and

building bonds of friendship among black women and the challenges that we face and how some of them are contributed by arts or history or culture. And it's not something obviously we're gonna be able to unpack in a 30, 45 minute conversation, but it's something that I think is worth talking about, especially as we look into the future and our needs and everybody's needs for community, because we don't know what's coming on a day-to-day basis and people need people, okay?

Not people only need people like them, but people need people like them too, because no one better understands your situation than people who are currently in the same boat or who are dealing with a lot of the same challenges you are. We want to remind you to hit the subscribe button on whatever channel you are listening to us on right now, whether that is YouTube, whether that is on Facebook, it's on Instagram, it's on TikTok, it's on Threats 2.

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Speaker 1 (57:17.684)
same thing for TikTok, that is Kiara mamapod on Instagram and Facebook, and then on Twitter or X, she is ContentVixen. I am. For her chocolate-ness. And don't forget to check us out on our website at www.maineventmamaspodcast.com, where you can also request to be a part of the show. And we check emails. We do, we check our emails.

Also requests, you can leave us a voice note. Stay respectful at all times. You can also check out the blog. Yes. My sister writes beautifully. Thank you. Beautifully. That's just what she does. We have a brand new blog coming out. Can't wait to share you guys. We're counting down our favorite wrestling couples. So it's coming your way. Yeah, I was supposed to post it last night. We did work on it. And then also,

We have a merch store. So if you definitely want some merch, some mama merch, please check us out. Help the cause. We both needed desperately. We don't need it desperately. A great reminder about this Patreon button right here. So you can join our Patreon as a free member and get access to a lot of our benefits. But if you want to support the podcast, you can join as a paid member. Your subscriptions are as low as $3. It goes up to about $40. And if you want to be at one of our Hall of Famers,

our $40 members you get mentioned on the show like shout out to Candace. And you help us by purchasing an AEW pay-per-view because if you want me to cover it and it's usually me let's just be honest then I need you on a paper for real for real but I will cover it in full and you'll get to hear all my thoughts on hangman and swerving them.

and Moxley and Darby. There's a lot to go through and Mercedes and Kris Statlander if you, yeah, all of that, I have lot to talk about there. Not her sound like you're infomercial. So what we will say is we are not. New to this. We're so true to this. And this was Main Event Mamas. Wow.

Speaker 2 (59:33.07)
What the?